A sad aftertaste was left after talking with several men about their relationships with women. The conversation began with “she doesn’t suit me” – and the conversation goes on as if “she” is a piece of furniture.
A detached conversation in which there is no place for the interaction of two people, but only the question of how comfortable one is for the other. At the same time, the question is: “Are you suitable for her?” didn’t even show up. It just didn’t arise, and that’s it … The status of a subject was not recognized for a “suitable — not suitable” woman, a person who also thinks about something while communicating with you, also makes a decision — what kind of person should she be with you, as far as possible in general. interaction with you to be genuine, alive — or better to imitate something, because it is difficult to be different. Of course, people may not suit each other, but the words «they do not fit» are often heard even before the real acquaintance and «gazing» took place. “They are somehow… not real,” someone dropped a phrase, and the question hung in the air: “Are you real?”
- «I am. And I have the right to be!”
A paradox in which many people are stuck: they passionately want to receive confirmation from others of the authenticity of their own existence, but at the same time they are afraid to be authentic. “Look at me behind my masks, but I won’t take off the mask — I’m too scared.”
What is «authentication?» Don’t we know that we exist, why do we need this confirmation from anyone? Here our nature comes into its own — we are social beings, aimed at interacting with others like ourselves, and the worst thing (except death) that can be for us is not even rejection as such, but ignoring, «ignoring». Rejection is painful, but its horror is not that someone evaluates us badly, but that they turn away from us — they stop looking at us. This is worse, we cease to exist for another. Therefore, in the depths of my soul it itches: I will do at least something, just notice me! If you do not see me, I cease to see and understand myself. Other people are mirrors, it is not for nothing that nature has endowed us with mirror neurons that reflect other people, their actions and feelings.
And when they notice, when they react, the time comes for another request addressed to people: “See the real me!” And if you are sure that you are genuine you will cause disgust, then you will not show your true self in any way. Fake or repressed reactions create a fake and repressed life step by step. I want to break out from under the press, get confirmation from another that you — without this press — will still be noticed …
«Get validated» is to see sincere reactions. Feel that your words, thoughts and experiences evoke a lively emotional response. The lack of authenticity can be so strong that a person may cling to someone who reacts to him with genuine hatred or contempt. But even these feelings give a sense of existence. «You truly hate me = you see me = I exist.»
One of the meanings of psychotherapy is to see each other. Real. However, this is the meaning of any relationship — to see each other, to make out properly — and to stay close if you want to stay … The client comes with this yearning for authenticity, at the same time fearing it. If both the client and the psychologist are afraid of her, while playing roles, there is no contact. What remains is simply “the interaction between the psychologist and the client,” which in no way satisfies the need for another person and the mutual need to see each other not as role-bearers, but as living people.
But this is again not only about psychotherapy.