And my answer is yes!

Before

I’m good at saying no. Two decades of practice tell.

As a person who used to be afraid of disappointing others, and as a creative person constantly surrounded by emotionally sensitive people (I myself am one of them), I realized a long time ago that I need to learn to refuse. The more I did this, the stronger I felt, the less I punished myself, the more I felt in myself energy and sincere generosity towards myself and others.

I loved saying no, but I knew it fueled my tendency to be introverted. I know it’s important to my well-being to talk to people often, but I’m the kind of person who feels relieved when plans are cancelled. I feel at ease when I’m alone with a book, or doing sports alone, or just wandering around the house doing nothing on my day off.

Recently, I was reproached for staying at home all the time, often refusing events, and I felt it was time to think about saying “yes” more often. I decided to test myself: agree to what scares me, causes difficulties or takes me out of my comfort zone, while maintaining healthy personal boundaries.

After

I said yes to invitations to parties, meetings, lunches and dinners, went to theater readings and autograph sessions. I was surprised to find that it saves me time. I used to be so busy making a list of reasons why I couldn’t go somewhere that I couldn’t even listen to the end of the invitation.

During the whole “yes month”, when I was offered something, I took a deep breath, nodded and said: “With pleasure!” For the first week, I felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t recognize myself. I attended all the events, stayed there as long as I wanted, and then left. For the first time since adolescence, I found myself looking forward to being called somewhere.

Something else happened. When friends opened doors for me, their faces served as a “magic mirror”. Coming to the next event or dinner, I constantly saw genuine amazement on the faces of those who met: “Wow, Kate, I lost the argument because of you. Come in!”

New possibilities opened up before me. Firstly, I was invited to courses in literary creativity, which I had long wanted to go to, but kept putting off. And then I got an email with an invitation.

Then I was asked to teach a few Pilates lessons, and, having put aside my strong fear of public speaking, I agreed and taught eight lessons in a month. During the first I was very shy, but by the eighth I felt that I was doing more or less well, and my terrible fear noticeably weakened.

Finally, I was asked to go on a blind date. I had a good time, had a delicious meal in the company of a complete stranger, learned something new. It didn’t come to an engagement, but most importantly, it didn’t kill me.

To be continued …

I understand that my life will not turn from now on into a solid “yes!” in the style of a Jim Carrey character, but I find it increasingly easier to say yes – and to my amazement, I actually feel less constrained. I want to live this new, wonderful full life. I break not healthy personal boundaries, but those obstacles that I once placed in order to protect myself.

Personal boundaries help us choose what we want to allow into our lives. What is more important for us: to protect our borders by saying “no” more often, or to expand them by saying “yes” to new opportunities?

To better understand this, it makes sense to answer a few questions for yourself:

• If you were to make rules for the people you allow into your life, what 5 things would you include?

• What would be clearly unacceptable for you?

• If someone close to you tries to violate the boundaries you have built, how do you usually react?

• Make two lists: people and activities that give you energy, as well as those who deprive you of energy. What boundaries do you need to build in order to focus your time on the first rather than the second list?