And my answer is no!

Before

I used to agree with everything, I was brought up that way. I had to be polite and accommodating. I was taught to avoid confrontation, other people’s needs were more important than my own. After twenty years of such a life, I was exhausted, doing everything for others. This has become a real problem. My therapist just begged me to learn to say no.

I had to think about how “no” can be something positive. When will my firm “no” be helpful? I have divided everything that is worth giving up into several categories.

First, it was worth giving up what is physically harmful to health – coffee, alcohol, sugar, and so on.

The second category includes things that harm emotional well-being. Saying “no” to negative inner voices that provoke self-dislike and insecurity. Pleasing. To all those who suck energy out of me, friends who constantly ask for something that I would never ask them.

And finally, the third is to learn to say “no” to the closest people, for this you will have to step over your habits and principles that I have followed all my life. To ban my wonderful teenage daughter from being on the phone 24/XNUMX, preventing her from using me as a bank, and being rude to my remarks. Looks like I’ll be alone after that. Well, or we will communicate only with Kate, who has learned to say no.

After

At first it was very difficult. Not only did I discover that servility is a real drug, but after giving up caffeine, I got such headaches that I even vomited in the car once.

Some “nos” were given to me with great difficulty. Don’t flirt with a man who I know has a girlfriend. “No” to my ex who, due to work, has to constantly change his plans and therefore this month I did not find time for him. I constantly argued with my daughter, and my friends were amazed: “What do you mean you are not ready to take 20 minutes to listen to me?” Two of my best friends disappeared somewhere.

At first it pissed me off. Seriously pissed off – let them all go! Then came relief. I realized how exhausted I was by my old way of life. By giving up sugar and caffeine, I became more stress-resistant and less irritable. After overcoming my bad eating habit, I decided to try a cleansing diet for the first time and lost 3 kg by the end of the month.

By giving up everything I didn’t want to do, saying “no” to tiresome friends, scandals, “little favors”, I found that I had a lot of free time that I could devote to the work I love. Now work came first for me, I got up early, tidied up while no one bothered me, and worked very hard – and my efforts were not in vain.

I won the competition for the best stage at the theater school where I studied. I rewrote my play, as well as the script of the film – it made it to the second round of competitive selection of the Sundance Screenwriters Lab seminar for screenwriters. And my new friend, who liked my drawings, set me up with another friend of hers, who opens a gallery in Los Angeles, as a result, she invited me to arrange my solo exhibition.

All these opportunities opened up thanks to people whom I met recently or only recently began to pay attention to them – people who began to offer me something themselves. By saying a firm “no” to “vampires” who only demand, I made room in my life for people who are ready to give me something. And I got amazing support from them.

Not to say that the word “no” has become magical for me, but I stopped automatically agreeing with everything and began to think before answering.

(Laurien Haynes’ first play was recently staged at the Experimental Theater in New York, and her solo exhibition opened in Los Angeles.)

So is it yes or no?

Personal boundaries help us choose what we want to allow into our lives and what we want to happen in it. Is it more important to defend your boundaries by saying “no” more often, or to expand them by saying “yes” to new opportunities? To better understand this, answer a few questions:

• If you were to make rules for the people you allow into your life, what 5 things would you include?

• What would be clearly unacceptable for you?

• If someone in your environment tries to violate any of the boundaries you have set, how do you usually react?

• Make a list of all the people and activities that energize you, and a second list of the people and activities that drain your energy. What boundaries do you need to set in order to devote your time primarily to the first rather than the second list?