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«Butterflies in the stomach», the agonizing expectation of a meeting, talking all night long — does falling in love always give only positive emotions? What are the pros and cons of feeling and why do we fall in love, explains psychotherapist Iris Pitaluga.
Biologists, philosophers, psychologists and neurophysiologists have tried to explain the desire to fall in love in different ways. Among their versions are the need for procreation and the species as a whole, strong sensations from a powerful release of hormones, stress reduction. These theories have the right to life. I believe that the main reason is the desire to satisfy the most basic physical and psychosocial needs.
From an early age, certain people are especially attracted to us, and the reasons for attraction are still largely a mystery.
Most can remember the moment when they first looked into someone’s eyes and noticed a spark slipped through. Falling in love is a logical continuation.
We simultaneously satisfy many physical and psychological needs: for care, love and security, acceptance, sexual satisfaction. At the same time, we forget about sorrows, mental pain, old wounds and life’s difficulties. It begins to seem that life is strewn with roses and we can do anything.
What do we get when we fall in love?
1. We take care of ourselves more
Immediately we begin to more closely monitor our appearance, figure, hairstyle, makeup, clothes. Change of image brings joyful excitement, a sense of hope for the best. A new target appears.
2. The body produces «hormones of joy»
From the mere anticipation of meeting or talking with a loved one, the body releases hormones and neurotransmitters. Falling in love causes a surge of dopamine and serotonin, which gives a feeling of ecstasy, pleasant excitement, a feeling of happiness and a burst of energy. We fantasize, make big plans, remember something forgotten. We begin to enjoy and appreciate life more. When it comes to physical intimacy, oxytocin is released, which promotes intimacy and mutual trust.
3. Changing mood and attitude to life
The mood becomes upbeat. We are happy and we want everyone to be happy, to rejoice for us and for themselves. We feel more attractive and confident. Less obsessed with negative thoughts, more often we plunge into dreams, fantasies and smile all the time. We communicate more actively and are eager to share experiences with friends. We have a lot of energy, hope and optimism.
4. The need for acceptance and approval is satisfied
It is important for people, like many animals, to feel that society or a group accepts and approves of them. There is a biological need for social connections. If others reject us, it can cause psychological trauma that can lead to depression and even suicide. The need for acceptance is deeply rooted. In culture, having a partner means that we are loved, stable, happy. As if the fact that someone wants to be with us proves that we are worthy of love.
5. Self-esteem increases, there is confidence in the future
As mentioned above, if others consider us happy, we ourselves begin to believe in it faster. We no longer worry about being alone, unhappy, unloved. On the contrary, we feel confident and look to the future with hope. If we have a partner, we always have someone to talk to or go somewhere if friends are busy.
6. The feeling of novelty inspires and brings joy
We are often drawn to the familiar, the familiar. Giving in to this temptation, you can easily bring yourself to depression. The brain must create, invent new things and continuously develop. Getting new impressions, learning something, experimenting, we stimulate the formation of new neural connections in the brain, develop the mind and improve health.
We become much more curious when we are in love. We strive to learn everything possible about the object of love, in a conversation we listen carefully and with concentration to our partner, we want to discover and try something new together. This feeling of novelty and the sensory excitement associated with it is a great pleasure, essential for full happiness. Although these sensations can be obtained from other sources.
Does love have negative consequences?
Often in the cinema, falling in love is accompanied by dramatic experiences. These stereotypes are so pervasive in culture that many believe that people in love are always emotionally unstable. Love associated with increased stress can cause adrenaline rushes. A certain amount of this hormone is necessary for concentration and pleasant excitement in anticipation of the new. However, accompanied by excessive experiences, anticipation can turn into fear.
If we are especially vulnerable and vulnerable due to trauma, a recent breakup, low self-esteem, loneliness, or heavy memories of past relationships, falling in love can cause a lot of stress. This is due to the fact that the body begins to produce more adrenaline than «hormones of joy.» Usually the result is sleepless nights, obsessive thoughts, constant annoying calls to the object of love, anxiety, fear of being abandoned, jealousy and constant showdowns.
Unfortunately, many consider such experiences natural and normal during falling in love and at the beginning of a relationship.
They continue to endure this until the stress becomes unbearable, after which the relationship usually ends. But after some time, a new love leads to a repetition of the situation.
There is another category of people who hope that the thrill of falling in love will last forever. When feelings cool down, they begin to get bored and lose all interest in relationships. Like drug addicts in pursuit of the next dose, they are always in search of «true love.»
Realistic view of things
Passionate love and true love are two different things. When passion cools down a bit, it’s time to assess how compatible you really are and start building long-term relationships. The willingness to get along with each other, make compromises and be true friends creates true love and intimacy. We can talk about it only after years of mutual fidelity and tests passed together, when two people completely trust each other and can be absolutely frank. They learn to accept a partner, grow and develop, maintaining a healthy balance between their individuality and building relationships.
But in order to feel the fullness of life, to feel loved and desired, it is not necessary to resort to the help of another person. Whether you are single or in a relationship, it doesn’t matter. To become happy, it is enough to learn to love yourself.