Analyze it!

Only a few weeks have passed since the winter holidays, and some of us are already tired and unaccountably dissatisfied. It seems to be around the usual office open space or even a separate office, or we, as before, are sitting like a glove at the home computer. We again buy groceries for the week at home and thoughtfully load the washing machine, collect the children for school and listen to TV half-heartedly … And suddenly, from somewhere inside, this strange question begins to sound: why, in fact, am I here? What brought me to this point in my life, am I in the right place? And in general, is this how I live?

Are these doubts justified, are we really waiting for changes, are we ready for them, or have we got into a zone of turbulence for a while – just tired, moping? Yes, there are external reasons for the crisis: unexpected reshuffles at work, difficulties with friends, discord in relationships with a partner … But perhaps we just get hung up on anxiety that leads nowhere, or even get a kind of pleasure from walking in a mental circle. “Trying to take a fresh look at your life and find the right direction is not at all the same as doing self-digging, which is unlikely to give us a chance to move forward,” says psychologist Natalia Tumashkova. After all, everything can be questioned. Let’s say, suddenly the man with whom I spend delightful nights and days is not the one I need? Should I look for someone better?

Deep Introspection

“Although sometimes we inevitably stall: we sometimes need to think through the details of what is happening in order to understand that the old solutions do not work, and come up with new ways to respond to circumstances,” says family therapist Lucy Mikaelyan. “Doubt may not be the most pleasant side of growing up, but often it is they who help break out of the vicious circle and start moving forward.” So what is the meaning of this sentence “doubt yourself constructively; ask yourself the right questions; rethink your own life?

“In the process of self-knowledge, we have to accept what we cannot change,” explains the psychologist. – Some facts about yourself, about your past … Even if we don’t like them at all, they are annoying, unconstructive. Otherwise, we will never be able to do anything with them.” In addition, it is important to understand that all people make mistakes (even those who do not admit it), that there is no point in scolding yourself for mistakes when you can use the experience gained. Realizing at the same time: if we had the opportunity to start all over again, we would not necessarily change everything that here seems to be a mistake. And we would keep what we value now, looking back.

The desire to change does not arise as a result of strong-willed decisions; it is difficult to prepare for new circumstances and the “new self”. “Even if we are talking about another age crisis,” adds Lucy Mikaelian. “For example, everyone understands that children will grow up and leave the family, but few parents are really ready for this.” Moreover, the need for change comes, as a rule, suddenly: yesterday everything went on as usual, and today the situation requires completely different solutions. However, events may not develop so rapidly. “Once a quiet, inconspicuous woman came to see me,” recalls Natalia Tumashkova. “For several weeks, she told me in detail about her unremarkable life. She seemed to have no one to talk to, so I listened almost silently. And she turned to me because for no reason at all she began to cry – at home, in the subway, at work – and could not stop. She finished her story, we parted, and six months later she came again. It was a completely different person! An elegant woman with a sparkle in her eyes… It turned out that she divorced her husband, solved the housing problem, changed jobs. It became clear that then she was simply mourning her life, which passed her by. And having told it to another person, as if she unfolded it in front of her, she was able to consider and make a decision: “No, I don’t like it.”

Ability to act

“I never had time to think about how I live: children, work…” says 40-year-old Margarita. – But one day the boss offered me a new project, which I did not have the slightest opportunity to do. However, no one was going to ask me – everything was decided! I remember how my breath caught. Over the years of work, of course, I got used to a lot, but this was the last straw … The question really came to my mind – why do I need all this? True, at first Margarita tried to explain what was happening with relations in the team: “Well, of course, it should be so: he is a rude boss, and we are subordinates who do not have the courage to object …” Then the turn of self-flagellation came: “But I generally behaved like some kind of amoeba: she sat in the corner and was afraid to move!

A sudden flash of light on “aimless years” often causes a similar reaction: first we try to blame – either others or ourselves, explains Lucy Mikaelyan. But this is, in general, a useless exercise. “We cannot change other people,” adds Natalya Tumashkova. – The accusations against him are also unconstructive: the state of guilt weakens. It is important to take responsibility for the effect that our actions produce – this is our resource. If we understand how we influence reality, then we can try to change the approach. But only your own approach.

Read more:

• Why is guilt needed?

strong momentum

The desire for change brings with it many doubts and fears. Finding themselves one on one with them, many prefer to retreat, “calming” themselves that the mission is impossible. You can always find an excuse: the train has left, the circumstances are against me, the age is not the same … “We are afraid of the unknown, we prefer the usual – not very prosperous, but predictable,” says Lucy Mikaelyan. “This is how we are arranged: we need stability, a quiet life, our habits are dear to us.” It takes a lot of courage to answer the question: how to stop being just who we are and explore another part of our own “I”? “The main thing is to make up your mind, and this is always scary,” continues Natalya Tumashkova. What are we most afraid of? To take responsibility. It is important to say: “Here I am, and here is what I can do.” It is easier for young people to do this: they have more flexibility, they do not cling to the old.

And yet everyone is only capable of those changes for which he personally has the strength. And usually this … is enough! After all, in order to change your life, it is not at all necessary to quit your job, break off relationships, slam the door and turn around 180 degrees. “Although this is what many people think, and because of this they do not dare to change anything,” Lucy Mikaelyan clarifies. – It is wiser to think more about the restructuring of relations, and not about destruction. The position “I will drop everything and leave” does not solve the problem: a person simply stops looking in the direction where the source of problems is. It is more important to believe in yourself, your feelings, emotions. Hear yourself and try something new, realizing that you can make mistakes.

Change is both a sharp change of course and gradual steps, with an eye on the relationships that are dear to us, on the people without whom we cannot imagine our life. Everyone has their own ways of coping with the difficulties we all experience in settling in this world. “Once I wanted to be a ballerina,” Natalia Tumashkova smiles. – I could not calmly look at the stage, at how others were dancing. But I managed to change my attitude: I admire the artists and so enjoy the ballet.

Probably, this is what we are talking about: try to accept both the joys and sorrows of our existence. To bravely face the stereotypes about ourselves and try to connect with that part of our “I” that we have always kept under lock and key. And feel the sky getting higher and the horizon brighter…