Listening to a stream of insults is like receiving a hail of blows to the head. And this is not an exaggeration – our brain, as shown by computed tomography, does not see the difference between physical violence and verbal aggression. How to protect yourself?
“Many people live in an environment of verbal abuse for many years, but do not suspect that something is wrong, because insults and humiliations have long been a part of their lives,” says Patricia Evans, author of the book “Verbal Aggression: How to Recognize and Defeat.”
Meanwhile, this style of relationship deals a serious blow to the psyche – our brain experiences verbal aggression as physical violence. “The CT scan of the brain of a person who hears angry insults against him and a CT scan of a person who has just been hit on the head look the same,” says Evans.
Two more serious consequences of verbal aggression – constant humiliation corrodes our self-esteem and weakens attention, we become absent-minded, it is difficult for us to concentrate.
Calling your words or actions “nonsense”, the aggressor insists that he always has the last word
Verbal aggression is not necessarily rude swearing, shouting and threats. Endless remarks and “joking” insults, requests in the form of orders hurt no less. Here are a few more examples of verbal aggression to be aware of.
Rejection or silence. As the aggressor reasons: “I have what you need, and I can give it or not give it to you. So I’m in control.” Or: “If I do not answer you, refuse to answer, I can be sure that everything will remain the same. I don’t need to ask your opinion. I don’t say no and I don’t say yes. You’re on the hook, and I’m not risking anything.”
Opposition Acting contrary to your requests and desires, the aggressor is sure: “I can think and make decisions for both of us. You think wrong and I think right. If I make you doubt yourself, it will be easier for me to control you.”
Depreciation. Without attaching importance to your words and deeds, calling them “nonsense”, “nonsense”, “trifles”, the aggressor insists that the last word should always remain with him. “I can devalue your words and actions, but I myself am beyond criticism and accountable to no one. I make a decision. When you see how worthless / worthless you are, it will be easier for me to control you.
“joking” insults. Calling insults “just” a joke, the aggressor means: “It gives me such joy to see how my words hurt you that I am not going to stop. I believe that my words should be taken with humor. I can say what I want. I am in control.”
Rough stop. Abruptly ending the conversation, ignoring your words, the aggressor emphasizes: “I am not obliged to respect your opinion and answer you, you are an inadequate person, so I can end the conversation whenever I want,” I decide.
Accusations. Declaring that you yourself are to blame for the fact that he offends you, the aggressor wants to make you think: “You yourself are to blame / yourself to blame for hurting you, and for the fact that I talk to you like that and treat you like that, and in general in everything that does not go the way I want, so I should not change my behavior.
Condemnation and remarks. By judging and criticizing, the aggressor gets another opportunity to enslave our will: “When I tell you that you think and act differently, I begin to control you.”
How to protect yourself
1. Listen to yourself. “If you constantly feel pins and needles around a person or suffer from feelings of inferiority (“I always do everything wrong”), you are mocked, most likely you are being subjected to verbal aggression,” explains Evans. Listen to how they talk to you. They tell you (they decide for you) what kind of person you are, what do you want in life? No one but ourselves can know and decide what we want, what we think about, what we feel. Trust first of all your feelings, rely on them.
2. Stop blaming yourself. “You need to realize that aggression is not your fault, but the problem of the psyche of the one who offends you,” Evans emphasizes. “All he wants is total control over you.” If someone from your environment places the blame for the behavior of the aggressor on you, do not rush to blame yourself. “I once counseled a woman whose husband had a habit of yelling at her for no reason, and her mother believed that she was partly responsible for her husband’s crazy behavior,” says Evans. “This is an absolutely wrong opinion, and it causes great harm to the psyche.”
3. Resist. There is no point in explaining and making excuses – instead, start setting boundaries: “I don’t want to hear this,” “Stop. Stop now.”
4. Find a support group. It is important to find someone with whom you can discuss the situation, share what is on your mind – it can be someone from relatives, friends, or a trusted therapist.
5. Don’t try to change the aggressor. A person is capable of changing for the better if he really wants to – but you cannot change him only by your own efforts. But you can treat yourself with respect and take care of your well-being.