Am I ready to accept new family members?

“I love my mother-in-law,” laughs 36-year-old Natalia. – Although the relationship did not develop immediately: there was a time when I shrank into a ball, as soon as she appeared at our house. It seemed to me that she fills all the space, pushes me away from my husband. But he had no problems with my parents: they immediately managed to find a common language … It was terribly unfair: he is friends with my relatives, but I am not with his mother. I had to learn from him ways to build relationships … ”However, often new relatives fail not only to get close, but even just to calmly communicate when circumstances force them. “Any change in the composition of the family, whether it be a wedding, the appearance of children or an elderly relative who needs care, upsets the balance,” says family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. The other is a stranger, a person not from his usual circle, a stranger, to let him in means to reshape everything that somehow worked before him. “When a new person tries to fit into an established system, the distance between all participants changes: the newcomer needs to be given attention, which means that someone will get less of him,” the psychotherapist continues. – How the adaptation will go depends on the individual characteristics of each participant, on their mood and desire to accept the other. Close-knit families are the most difficult: it is not only more difficult to enter them, but it is also much more difficult for them to let in a stranger.”

Is the coming one a blessing in disguise?

You can, of course, treat the emergence of new family members as a happy acquisition, “added value” … But – not always possible. 43-year-old Valentina admits that she cannot accept her brother’s wife in any way. “So many years have passed, and she still annoys me. Before each meeting, I try to pull myself together, but the tension still hangs in the air. In our family, mind, taste, education have always been valued … All this has nothing to do with her. Valentina also regrets that she moved away from her brother. “We have always been good friends, supported each other… That is probably why the appearance of this woman, who is not at all like my brother and I, who, in my opinion, only cares about outfits, I perceived as a betrayal on his part,” she says .

“There is a concept of one’s own circle as a social group,” comments Varvara Sidorova. – A new person often behaves not according to the rules. Simply because the cultural codes of the two families do not match. It is often for this reason that the one who brought the “stranger” has to make a choice in his favor and move away from his relatives, which, of course, is perceived in the family as a betrayal.”

Getting along, finding a common language is difficult not only for adults who were forced to intermarry after the wedding. Problems can also arise in children from previous marriages when they begin to build relationships with each other, with a stepfather or stepmother. They are afraid of losing their parent’s love or suspect the “newcomer” of wanting to take the place of their own… Any situation where you need to “join” an established team (for example, a worker) is accompanied by difficulties, but conflicts in a family can be stronger, because the stakes are higher. There is always a question about the place of each and about unconscious rivalry. “For example, a grandmother on the father’s side is actively involved in the life of her grandson, and the mother begins to fear that the child will love her more,” says Varvara Sidorova. – After all, mom is going to the doctors, brushing your teeth, checking your lessons. And grandmother is an eternal holiday: sweets, games, toys … Perhaps mother does not want to adapt to a stranger who, when she comes, takes away the attention of not only children, but also her husband.

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• Cohabitation with partner’s children

Find the way out

What to do? “If families are determined to find a common language, ready to move in and hear the other, most likely, everything will work out. Of course, not immediately, of course, through trial and error, more or less insults and inconsistencies, – Varvara Sidorova is sure. “It is important to understand that we do not have to live together, get along with each other and meet regularly for family dinners. There are people who, for various reasons, are focused only on their own family (husband, wife, children), they do not need grandmothers, aunts, mother-in-law. And they have a right to such desires.

Honesty is important: building relationships is difficult and there are no ready-made recipes. On the other hand, we do not have to love all our relatives, it is enough just to respect them. “It is also worth understanding that someone may not like each of us, they may not accept us, they may treat us with hostility,” says Varvara Sidorova. “Don’t expect the doors to open right away.” However, it is important not to give up, to look for approaches, perhaps to insist on your own, to try to get to know the other person in order to find common ground. After all, if you can’t open the doors, can you at least try to open them a little? “Parents will have to find the strength to let their children go, realizing that as they grow up, attachment takes on other forms,” adds Varvara Sidorova. “And accept those whom our children love, even if we don’t really like their chosen ones. If something does not work out, the child will be grateful to us for support.”

Obviously, everyone affected by the process of family merger will have to make an effort on themselves. Maybe – reconcile and wait, or maybe – insist on your own or find an unexpected move. Like Natalia, who eventually developed a good relationship with her mother-in-law. “I was very surprised when I learned from my husband that she loves European cinema and often goes to premieres … And one day I just invited her to go along. It was a sincere, not at all forced decision: a good film is the little that I allow myself, despite being busy, working, children … And we both felt that something happened between us that day. Something good that gave strength to continue moving towards each other.