Am I controlled or do I obey?

What do we do at work? We solve the tasks assigned to us. We communicate. But not only. It happens that in relations with colleagues and superiors we find a catch — we feel that we are being forced to do something that is undesirable for us. How do we react? And why is this happening: do we fall prey to malicious colleagues and leaders in the full sense, or is there our own contribution to unpleasant situations?

I’m being manipulated

A colleague turns to another: “I replaced you last week, will you write an annual report for me?” What’s in front of us? That’s right, please. But it is combined with a reminder of a favor, and it becomes more difficult to refuse. In fact, these two plots are completely unrelated to each other.

“In a manipulative message, there is something that you can agree with and something that you cannot agree with. Such a contradiction creates confusion, and for some time we lose the ability to adequately assess what is happening, ”explains Anton Vorobyov, a clinical psychologist and trainer for effective communication. To lead us into psychological confusion, manipulators, as a rule, act on deep unconscious motives.

Carrot and stick

Often deep down we want approval, which is why flattery is a common manipulative technique. The manager will say, “Only you with your talents and qualifications can finish this report by tomorrow,” and here we are ready to harness in overtime.

Or we are afraid of disapproval, we are afraid, “no matter how something happens,” and fear is also used by manipulators. “Disgraceful,” the chief is indignant, “materials for partners are not ready, this is a failure!” And he asks with malice: “I can count on you to strain yourself and complete the package, or are you not able to finish at least something ?!” Or implicitly threatens: «The consequences can be unpredictable.»

And you can also put pressure on collectivism, responsibility, beckon with career prospects … All these are levers of influence on our psyche, which are the more effective the less we suspect that such levers exist.

Speed ​​task

Other manipulative techniques also rely on the natural laws of the psyche. For example, in a state of haste, we lose our judgment and therefore often make rash decisions. Therefore, when we are suddenly told that some work needs to be done “yesterday” and we need to drop everything and save the situation, we are almost ready to give in and start saving.

If too much information is poured on us at once, which cannot be comprehended at once, we can also be fooled and put into a state of passivity when we are ready to follow someone else’s will.

The manipulator almost always demands speed and urgency: he tries to achieve the actions he needs quickly, before we come to our senses and begin to analyze.

We solve the problem

The first step is to become aware of what is happening: “Aha, manipulation!” It is possible and necessary to recognize methods of indirect influence: in this way we immediately understand what situation we are in, and then there is freedom of choice on how to act. “In any communication, be attentive to your feelings, and let it become a habit,” suggests management consultant and business coach Svetlana Naumova. — You are talking to your boss, a colleague and suddenly you experience strong emotions: it can be fear and confusion, or complacency and a surge of enthusiasm. Remember — these emotions are artificially provoked, and this is the main sign of manipulation. And then:

1. Stop and under any pretext take a break.
2. Try to relax and calm down. Remember at what point in the conversation you were covered by these strong feelings. Then you will understand what hook they are trying to catch you on.
3. Ask yourself, «What does this person really want?» — so you will discover its true purpose.
4. Now you are in a position to choose the way of reaction and a calm answer — to refuse, agree or look for a compromise.

The manipulator wants to achieve his goal, but goes to the goal in a roundabout way. “Offer him a direct path, a path of dialogue and cooperation, open communication where both sides respect each other. He may not agree, but this is his choice, and he is now safe for you, ”concludes Svetlana Naumova. If the lever of the manipulator is our emotions and confusion, then the way to counteract it is calmness and sound reasoning.

I manipulate myself

Any enterprise is a hierarchical organization: it has a management and subordinates. Such a system makes explicit our attitude to power as such, and it is not always optimal. Sometimes we are pre-configured for complete obedience to any leader, or we have internal prohibitions on objecting or expressing our own opinion. We believe that the leader is too busy and unavailable, and therefore there is no point in trying to talk to him. And then we feel squeezed, depressed, we consider ourselves a victim of a system that cannot be changed. Although in reality this is not the case and we are just a victim of our own attitudes that manipulate us from the inside.

Personal reasons

“I was accepted into a large advertising agency,” says 28-year-old designer Yegor. — A wonderful team, a creative atmosphere, and most importantly, the opportunity to gain experience. And although my direct duties included only design, I was happy to participate in the development of slogans, helped the editors, delved into the work of the printing shop. After two months, I noticed that I stopped coping with my tasks. ” Colleagues friendly asked him to proofread the text, talk with the customer, look into the shop. In addition, Egor took any opinion about his work as an indication and redid the task many times, trying to achieve the perfect result. “Recently, I realized that I urgently need to reconsider the course of action, otherwise they will just fire me!” Yegor exclaims.

Some character traits make us vulnerable, so that even an innocent remark acts as a manipulation. These features are listed by Svetlana Naumova:

1. The desire to get the approval of colleagues often does not allow developing one’s own responsibility and evaluation of one’s work.
2. If friendships in the team and the pleasure of communication are put above the significance of one’s well-done work, then the result will be appropriate — the relationship will be excellent, and the work will suffer.
3. The habit of being overly conscientious, coupled with low self-esteem—the “A-complex”—allows the manipulator to subdue us with a little criticism.
4. The attitude “friends need help” makes us agree to requests for help even to the detriment of our own interests.

We solve the problem

In cases of self-manipulation, everything is simple: no one will solve this problem, except ourselves. “If you want change for the better, get ready to invest time and effort into it,” recalls Svetlana Naumova. — Analyze uncomfortable episodes and ask the question: what properties of mine make me vulnerable? Often it is resentment, anxiety, timidity. Look for ways to reduce their impact. Possible solutions: sports, breathing practices, psychotherapy.

It is almost impossible to manipulate an employee who soberly judges his abilities. What is needed for this? “To know what the boundaries of our job responsibilities are,” Anton Vorobyov answers. “And also, in assessing your competence, rely not on the opinion of your office neighbor, but on objective criteria adopted in the professional community.”

It is useful to understand what we want and follow our plans without being distracted by others. “Be aware of the life goals for which you are working in this place, and do nothing that is not aimed at achieving them. Know that if you do not have your own goals and intentions, then you will certainly embody someone else’s, ”the psychologist warns. And your weaknesses (fear of condemnation, a pioneering desire to rush to help the weak) should also be borne in mind. Forgive them to yourself, but remember that it is precisely these weak points that the manipulator can put pressure on, and be vigilant.