Always put a couple first

1. Do not interrupt the dialogue

Can we really be content with what our conversations have become over the years – a short and irritated exchange of news about children and material problems? To develop relationships in a couple in this case means, first of all, to explain to the partner that we would like to establish deep communication with him again, a genuine, friendly dialogue. “No matter how strong love is, the partner is not obliged to feel your feelings and read your thoughts,” recalls family therapist Inna Khamitova. – It is necessary to explain everything about yourself in detail. And do it not on the run, not when he (or she) is in a hurry or angry. Agree on such, for example, a ritual: every evening, despite work, time pressure, illness, you find an hour for each other to calmly, over a cup of tea, discuss business, emotions and plans, including dreams about the future of your couple. .

“Once, after five years of marriage, my husband, during a long walk, suddenly started talking about his great-grandmother, who was a nurse at the front, and told me the amazing story of her meeting her future husband,” admits 31-year-old Irina. “He spoke about them with such warmth that I looked at my husband with completely different eyes: before, I didn’t think that his family memory was so dear to him, he became much closer to me.”

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2. Make time for each other

With the advent of a child, the parental cares and responsibilities of the spouses often overshadow their partnerships. “When children grow up, it can be difficult to devote time to your love life without being afraid to feel like bad parents,” notes Inna Khamitova. “But maintaining intimacy is very important. To prevent the family from being perceived as a routine, like a heavy burden that you carry on your shoulders, plan weekly pleasures that are interesting for both: some couples will prefer bike rides or a game of tennis, others prefer philosophy lectures or art-house movies. Time spent together, without a phone, without children, confirms the significance of this relationship for each of you. “At first, I had to talk to my wife for a long time to leave our young son in the care of a nanny to have dinner somewhere alone or spend Sunday together,” says 38-year-old Yevgeny. “But over time, she also felt the need for these outings, because they really bring us together.” If the relationship is no longer the same as before, then perhaps one of the partners is afraid of this time alone. “What exactly are we afraid of? Get bored? To be not at the height of your partner’s expectations? You should calmly ask yourself all these questions,” Inna Khamitova is sure.

3. Continue seduction

“She walks around the house in a tracksuit and puts on beauty before work,” laments 44-year-old Eric. “It makes me feel like my perspective, my opinion, doesn’t matter anymore.” Of course, everything needs a measure. Allowing yourself a little carelessness at home is natural. But if this carelessness is excessive, we risk depriving the relationship of eroticism. “Remaining seductive for each other is one way to show that we still strive to please,” analyzes sexologist Irina Panyukova. Situations, words and deeds that kill love are different for everyone. Usually it comes to an open tube of pasta, crumpled pajamas or dirty cups. Love is generously ready to put up with them. But attraction is less indulgent. “Supporting passion and experiencing excitement is a separate task for partners who have become “related” to each other,” notes Inna Khamitova. “They need to look at each other with new eyes from time to time, and anything will do here – unusual behavior, clothes, unusual appearance. Think about how you can surprise your partner. Let him admire you at the moment when you do what you are great at – dancing, baking a cake, riding a board on the waves. Try to look sometimes at the spouse as for the first time. This requires imagination. That’s why it’s so good to spend holidays in the company – you involuntarily see your partner through the eyes of outsiders. “My wife is always so different,” smiles 57-year-old Nikolai, “then she was plump, then she lost weight, then she got better again, she changed her hair. It feels like I have had several women during all this time. “We date in bars and pretend we don’t know each other,” says 34-year-old Olga. “Every time I look at my beloved in a new way.” “By making efforts to continue to appreciate the other person, his beauty, his features, we remind him – and ourselves – why he has become irreplaceable for us,” explains Irina Panyukova.

4. Appreciate your union

A couple is not only the sum of two personalities. This is an entity that is unique for each of the two. “It is important for partners to feel the exclusivity of their relationship,” insists Inna Khamitova. “It gives them a sense of confidence in each other.” It is necessary to publicly show that the partners belong to each other, and to avoid ambiguities, such as meeting with an ex-husband or wife without the participation of the current spouse (s), as well as too close friendship with members of the opposite sex. Old fashioned? Far from for everyone. “If partners trust each other, flirting is wonderful – this is a game that invigorates and excites,” Inna Khamitova clarifies. – But if your partner is extremely unsure of himself and is painful to any manifestation of coquetry, it is important to spare his feelings. Still, choosing a monogamous life for ourselves, we certainly go for a mutual compromise: I don’t do something that you don’t like, and you spare my feelings. But that’s the price we pay to have a chance at an amazing relationship.”

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5. Support each other

The priority of the couple also implies a willingness to help, giving up everything, a desire to share the difficulties of a partner. Which is not easy at all. Indeed, today independence is valued and everyone hides in armor, instead of opening up to another, relying on him.

“We are not very good at talking about our problems,” confirms Inna Khamitova. – It seems to us: if he loves, he himself must understand. But our partner is not a telepath, and if we do not say that it is difficult for us, then he has the right not to guess. In addition, it is not easy for us to accept the deep otherness of another person, not wanting to change him. We find it hard to bear that he is not always in the best shape, sometimes weakens and is unrecognizable. And that his coping strategies don’t match ours.”

“It is also necessary to accept the partner’s past,” continues Inna Khamitova. For example, to understand the responsibility associated with children from another marriage, and strive to ensure that this responsibility is compatible with the image of the couple that we are building. This is not about infringing on your interests for the sake of a partner or wanting to gain influence over him by protecting him. But we must be able to make concessions and hope for reciprocity.