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Open communication helps the couple reach mutual understanding. But this does not mean that we should discuss every little thing with each other.
To achieve mutual understanding, you need to be able to talk to each other. But does this mean that the two should constantly discuss the nuances of their relationship, talk about any momentary doubt, fleeting desire, flashed thought? For the well-being of the couple, the ability to remain silent is also important.
Psychoanalysts and family therapists (followed by women’s magazines) insist that one of the prerequisites for a happy couple is the ability of partners to conduct a dialogue. And we strive to master this skill, we want to dare (despite everything) to be sincere. “Sit down, we need to talk…” Are conversations necessary to make a reproach or demand an account? Talk directly about your feelings and desires, listen carefully to your partner – we just don’t know how to do this, it’s easier to make accusations. “The exchange of claims increases irritation,” explains family psychologist Inna Shifanova. A duel ensues in which each tries to hurt the other harder and defend himself. And as a result, he is left alone with what really worries him.” Such a conversation does not bring the couple closer to understanding, rather, on the contrary, it only aggravates the conflict. Everyone has their own opinion, and from this there is a feeling that the discussion in the end does not give anything.
Know everything, control everything?
Trying to establish open communication, some couples tell each other about everything. According to family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova, such a desire arises primarily from an unconscious need for closer relationships. Inna Shifanova adds: “The need of one of the partners to constantly analyze the relationship, the expectation from the other of the utmost honesty may also hide the desire to know everything about him and thereby control him.” 26-year-old Inna was completely discouraged when her boyfriend admitted that he was oppressed by the emerging feeling of affection. His authoritarian mother suppressed any manifestations of independence, and therefore intimacy for him is associated with the fear of losing himself completely. Inna is confused and does not know how to behave. “Maybe it was better for me not to provoke him into a frank conversation,” she says in desperation. When vague fears and family secrets become the topic of conversation with a partner, they begin to occupy a disproportionately large place in the life of two. It seems that some of them are better discussed with a psychologist. And in a conversation with a partner, find a balance between “saying too much” or “saying not enough.” And be kind to yourself and the feelings of others.
Other ways of understanding
We declare the desire for understanding. But understanding is a rational act. And in the relationship of two, first of all, the immediate emotional response, sympathy and empathy is important. Sexologist and psychotherapist Irina Panyukova emphasizes the importance of “involvement” in each other, sensitivity and responsiveness. “But the feeling of involvement disappears if you start discussing it. After all, speech is a function of the left hemisphere of our brain, and emotions are the function of the right. To discuss feelings, we have to translate them, recode them. At the same time, the immediacy of the experience is violated, and part of the emotions is lost, because words cannot tell about the nuances of feelings.
The dialogue between partners also takes place through looks, gestures, intonations … This is how empathy arises, “sympathy” with what the other really experiences. Many couples successfully resolve problems by doing things together. “When my wife and I can’t agree on something, I suggest that she … go out of town,” says 38-year-old Pavel. “There, sitting by the fire with friends, we can talk about something completely different, get distracted.” Some partners in moments of crisis begin to treat each other with special courtesy, attention, without unnecessary words … “It is more important to listen than to report what you don’t like or worry about,” Elena Ulitova clarifies. “Verbosity devalues speech, while silence will give more meaning to what will be said later.”
The power of a word
“With my first husband, we argued all the time and said terrible things to each other that can neither be forgotten nor made amends,” recalls 44-year-old Lydia. Now she is trying to avoid this mistake with her new life partner. Of course, it is important to distinguish silence from silence. “If you try to keep the steam under the lid, it can end in an explosion,” warns Elena Ulitova. “We should not bring the situation to the point where our patience is exhausted and we will immediately express everything that has boiled.” There are problems that cannot be solved by themselves. Silence in this case is tantamount to flight. But how do you make the conversation work? “To do this, everyone should be able to express how they feel and ask how the other feels,” recommends a family therapist. First of all, give yourself time to understand your own feelings and decide what exactly you want to say. This will avoid pointless disputes in which accumulated irritation splashes out. Think about how your story will affect your partner’s opinion of you, whether it will improve your relationship. Ask him if he is ready to listen to you, and instead of the intimidating “we need to talk”, together choose the right hour for communication. It is important that everyone has time to listen to the other. “Sometimes we talk as if in between times, in the hope that this way the conversation will be easier,” notes Inna Shifanova. – Once or twice it might work. But in the long run, this tactic is erroneous. We confuse the partner, preventing him from understanding how important what we say is, acting as if our words do not deserve attention and respect.
Body tenderness
The space of erotic communication of a couple dictates its own rules. “Troubles, complex family issues should never be discussed here at all, because this switches attention from the field of sensuality to the field of rationality,” emphasizes Irina Panyukova. “Sounds, changes in the rhythm of breathing already indicate to your partner your preferences,” says the sexologist. “And sometimes you can just take his hand and show where and how you want him to caress you.” Understanding the preferences of another often helps not words, but body language. One gentle gesture can be more powerful than a command or rebuke. “This does not mean that you should not talk at all,” Irina Panyukova clarifies. “Use more positive language: describe what you want to do instead of what you don’t like.” Who knows, perhaps this recommendation is not only suitable for sexual interaction in a couple. Either way, it’s worth a try!