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British actress Emma Watson has described her romantic status as “partnership with herself.” This term is just a new name for a phenomenon that is spreading in many countries. Together with the sociologist Eliakim Kislev, we will try to figure out what it is and what values it implies.
British actress Emma Watson, who played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, recently woke fans with a statement about her status. A woman approaching her thirtieth birthday in an interview called herself not alone, but Self-partnered, which can be translated into Russian as “in a relationship with oneself” or “in partnership with oneself.”
The actress said that she does not understand the pressure and fuss that traditionally surrounds this age limit, however, she herself began to experience stress and anxiety about the upcoming birthday. She said in an interview: “If you haven’t built a house, if you don’t have a husband, you don’t have a child, and you’re turning 30, and your career hasn’t reached some incredibly safe and stable level and you’re still building relationships with the world, it’s incredibly disturbing.”
When asked about her relationship, she replied, “I’m happy being single. It took me a long time to realize this, but I actually feel so good about it. I call it partnership with myself.”
What it is?
American sociologist Eliakim Kislev believes that this is more than just a curious neologism. In his opinion, we are talking about a new self-identification, which is quickly becoming popular. “People are tired of the stigma of “lonely” – in English single. Studies have shown that many mistakenly perceive him as dreary, desperate, unattractive and even antisocial, ”the scientist writes.
Statuses in social networks and in official documents are influenced by the cultural definition and subjective perception of the concept of loneliness in our heteronormative world. This means that by default, all people are heterosexual and must conform to the prevailing ideals of family life.
In this vein, loneliness or the status of “single” is seen as a deviation or personal inferiority. “Recently, there has been a shift in the notions of what is considered the expected norm in the field of family relations and marriage,” notes Eliakim Kislev. “People are opening up new opportunities related to their self-determination.”
Identity proper is no longer seen as a fixed category, it can be seen as a separate process of comprehension. And definitions of oneself with the concept of “loner” are on the rise today.
Origin of the term
This is more than just the choice of self-identification in the terminology of a family-oriented society. From the point of view of terminology, partnership with oneself refers us to the concept of “sologamy”, formed, by analogy with “monogamy”, from two Greek roots: solo – one and gamos – marriage.
Sologamy, or “marriage to oneself,” represents a fundamental shift from responsibility to others to personal independence, from obedience to self-expression. This is not just a semantic modification; this is a change that has shocked modern society, the sociologist notes.
Starting in the developed world and already spreading to developing countries, it demonstrates the transition from focusing on the collective, albeit divided into “cell” families as functional units of work and reproduction, to supporting the aspirations of each individual.
Without a doubt, loneliness is increasingly being treated as a viable and no longer destructive status.
Although sologamy as a movement is still in its growth phase, in Kyoto, for example, you can already find a two-day travel package for a wedding with yourself. It is offered by an agency specializing in solo travel. The $2500 package includes a dress, bouquet, hair, limousine ride, and a commemorative photo album.
This type of service is already flourishing in the United States, East Asia and Europe, and there are many virtual packages and books on the subject. “Marriage with oneself” began to appear in the media. In a 2010 episode of the TV show Glee – “Glee”, in the Russian adaptation also known as “The Losers” – Sue Sylvester decides to get married, following in the footsteps of Carrie, the heroine of another legendary series “Sex and the City» (Sex and The City) , who wittily “married herself” to be given new Manolo Blahnik shoes for her wedding.
And if the concept of “sologamy” actually remains in the paradigm of marriage terminology, then “partnership with oneself” is a more accurate and fresh term, moving one step further from marriage. But, according to the sociologist, for those who live in love and harmony with themselves, there is an even more precise definition promoted by social psychologist and author of books on the “legalization” of loneliness Bella DePaulo.
“Partnering with Yourself”: Core Values
Such partnership is associated with a certain set of post-materialistic values, such as creativity, interest in the new and self-realization. These concepts are at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. When people feel safe, they want to show their uniqueness and fulfill their potential, thus striving for the realization of their own I (with a capital letter), notes Eliakim Kislev.
The sociologist quotes an anonymous blogger (31): “In order to go out into the world and be the lively, active, creative and ambitious person that I am, I need personal time dedicated only to me, and it needs a lot. It feels like the relationship takes too long. Perhaps because of the expectation that if you are with someone, then you will spend all your free time with a partner. But it is very difficult. In all my past relationships, it was too difficult to find quiet, calm time for myself.
As Kislev points out, this affects how we now think about every social and interpersonal function in life. In particular, the significance of the family, which was once the basis of a wider social structure, is also being reconsidered. Personal aspirations that are not related to marriage and reproduction come to the fore.
Why is it a pro-female term
Emma Watson is also known as an advocate for women’s interests, and while championing the term “partnership with yourself”, she remains true to her beliefs. The fact is that negative stereotypes of loneliness are more often applied to women than to men. It is generally accepted that single women either lead empty and meaningless lives, or are morally flawed, or in this way express their protest against patriarchy.
Interestingly, single men tend to avoid such stereotypes: it is assumed that unmarried men have the right to choose the status of a bachelor. Due to the fact that a woman has a partner as the norm, her loneliness is often understood as a temporary or preparatory stage before starting a family.
Instead of treating female-chosen loneliness as a variant of the norm, society has traditionally viewed it as a downhill trend, especially in the context of the demeaning notion of a “ticking clock” in relation to female reproductive function.
Not only are single men and women perceived differently, but standard heteronormative ideas about marriage also affect subjective experience, that is, how women themselves perceive their status under social pressure. Accordingly, they are more likely than men to describe their loneliness in negative terms.
According to Kislev, these gender biases are also manifested in the methods of psychological and sociological research: women who do not have a family or a partner even become objects of study more often than men. Without a doubt, loneliness is increasingly being treated as a viable and no longer destructive status.
It is increasingly seen as autonomy, self-development, and achievement, rather than a deficit or deficiency. Hence, writes the sociologist, Emma Watson’s promoted term “partnership with oneself” can be considered a justified neologism in the relationship status scale.
About the author: Eliakim Kislev, PhD, author of Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living, University of California Press; 2019.