Many are familiar with this feeling of vague sadness that squeezes the heart, a dreary emptiness inside, a feeling of abandonment. When there are no other people nearby or they are, but communication with them is superficial, we lose the meaning of life and ourselves. We do not feel happy, because no one shares our experiences. Why does a state of loneliness overtake us and how to get out of it?
Alexey is a smart and educated person, he works as a system administrator. At work, he spends the whole day in a small room, which is more suitable for the definition of «closet», and very rarely goes into open space with the rest of the employees. He almost does not communicate with colleagues: he always thinks that he is distracting them from something and they do not really like talking to him. The young man has no friends. At home, simple entertainment awaits him — the same computer with the Internet, books. Almost nowhere, except for work, Alexey does not go. It seems to him that life is gray and boring, and nothing good awaits him.
Olga lives with a young man, she has a lot of acquaintances, she communicates a lot at work, but the quality of this communication does not suit the girl. It seems to her that others do not notice something important in her. The topics that everyone around are talking about seem superficial and boring to Olga. Olga’s partner is closed, he seems to be comfortable with her — but nothing more. Even surrounded by people, the girl feels isolated, she lacks the depth of communication.
In extreme cases, loneliness leads to depression, increases the risk of diabetes, heart disease, arthritis
When we do not have social contacts or they do not satisfy us, we cease to feel significant and valuable. In order for us to realize our significance, it is necessary that others recognize and reflect it. When this does not happen, it is as if we are not. It is no coincidence that isolation is considered a punishment. Alone, we lose motivation and the desire to fulfill ourselves.
Being alone for a long time, we do not understand who we are and why. We “hang out” in an emotional vacuum, as if in a state of weightlessness, without support and guidelines. There is no need to wake up in the morning, there is no need and “nowhere” to live. In extreme cases, loneliness leads to depression, increases the risk of diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, and even dementia. Lonely people have less energy and their life expectancy is shorter.
Four reasons for loneliness
Most often, lonely people do not let others near them. In order for them to «break through», you need to overcome the ditches and fences with barbed wire that they create around themselves. This does not mean that those suffering from loneliness are to blame for this: there are reasons why they put up protections.
Shyness. A lonely person can be ashamed of himself and his manifestation in the world. When someone else looks at him with interest, it seems to him that he is about to be “exposed”. It’s hard, sometimes unbearable, it’s easier to avoid such situations and not show interest in return. Often shy people become quite cheeky under the influence of alcohol: «letting go of the brakes», they unconsciously seek to fill the void that has been created due to the lack of regular communication.
Fear of people and their mirror «scare off». The reason may be the installation that it is impossible and even dangerous to trust anyone. We may not realize this installation, but broadcast it to the world. And when someone approaches us, we frown, turn away or answer in such a tone that discourages a potential interlocutor from any desire to approach us again.
A traumatic experience of intimacy. Perhaps in the past, someone tactlessly treated our secret or betrayed us, and now intimacy for us is equal to defenselessness. This could happen because we ourselves told about something very personal to hardly known people, and one of the interlocutors turned out to be dishonorable. A lonely person does not let others near him, and those around him feel it.
There are situations when a person is forced into isolation — for example, when moving to another country or city
Poor self-knowledge, inability to choose the environment and say “no”. Sometimes we just go with the flow and communicate with everyone who shows attention to us, regardless of whether these people suit us or not. Often for the same reason we choose an uninteresting job and generally an uninteresting life. Sometimes this property of character turns into the fact that we cease, in principle, to be interested in others, which contributes to loneliness.
All this can cause both the obvious loneliness that Alexey experiences, and the “loneliness in the crowd”, like Olga. Moreover, the same shyness can be hidden: a person is ready to show some of his sides, and some (usually deep ones) are not. Then the very communication with others remains superficial.
There are situations when a person is forced into isolation, for example, when moving to another country or city. Communication with others does not always improve quickly, often the language barrier, the lack of work and the general environment for communication interfere. But in these cases, loneliness is usually temporary — provided that we are socially active.
How to Help Yourself When You’re Lonely
The first and most important thing to remember is that you can get out of the state of loneliness. If you ever managed to make friends, then you will succeed again.
Also, try:
- keep in touch with relatives and old acquaintances (modern means of communication allow you to do this, even if you live far from each other),
- look for like-minded people — for example, in social networks (even virtual communication is useful),
- go somewhere more often — even «outings» to the store, where you have to communicate with sellers and cashiers, help you feel better.
If the problem is old and only gets worse over time, you should contact a psychotherapist. In the course of individual or group therapy, you will gradually become aware of the defenses that prevent you from getting close to others, learn to trust people, reduce anxiety and fear of communication.
Sometimes psychotherapy changes relationships with people in the inner circle who seemed hostile or uninteresting. Due to the fact that we begin to treat ourselves differently, the attitude of those around us also changes, and suddenly it turns out that there are nice and pleasant people nearby.