We warn you right away: you have to put yourself in his place. And that can be very frustrating.
At work, the chef behaves like an old maid in the PMS, the husband once again ignored the request to take out the trash (as if it were so difficult to bring the package to the container!), The bus is jammed, there is no longer any strength to stand, the shoes are rubbing terribly, the bag of groceries is torn, and the damn apples had to be picked all over the sidewalk.
I take out the trash. I finally kick off my shoes. “Did you walk the dog?” – I ask my son. He looks at me with big eyes. I understand: I forgot.
“Is it difficult for you to do anything? Neither wash the plate after you, nor take the dog out! And again toys all over the room! ” – I break into a cry.
Huge eyes fill with tears, it becomes ashamed. But I can’t stop. She shouted. Emptiness and terrible shame remain. I hug the baby, I beg your pardon. And deep down I know that everything will happen again. Tired, broke, screamed, apologized.
Sound familiar, right? Child and family psychologist how to break this vicious circle. True, for this you have to put yourself in the shoes of the child.
There is a huge imbalance of power and personal strength between mom and baby. There is a huge difference in physical size – the child looks up at you, you are a giant for him. When we shout, swear, maybe even use physical strength, the child becomes very scared. In his eyes, you are a huge omnipotent giant. And when he screams, the child psychologically becomes smaller and weaker, at this moment he loses his personal strength and power.
There is such a psychological exercise – “The Almighty Giant”. It takes two adults to complete it. One acts as a child and sits on his knees to look up at the “parent”. The second one rests his hands on his hips and, looking at the “child”, begins to shout: “Again you did not clean the room, did not clean up the plate after you, brought a deuce, as much as I can tell you, I will punish you, I will arrange this for you!” In general, everything that we usually dump on a child’s head in the heat of anger. The main thing is that the “parent” maintains an imperious posture, so that there are more accusations, and they need to be pronounced louder. Almost screaming.
An adult “child” sits on his lap, looks up at the “parent” and repeats: “I am small and I just want to be loved.”
This is a very emotional exercise. Those who chant “I am small” quickly start crying. A memory from their own childhood comes to them: this feeling, when you want to be loved, and nothing else, they remember their helplessness, inability to protect themselves, feelings of resentment, injustice. He really has nothing more to say to an adult.
Children – our children – simply cannot formulate this feeling, a desire to be simply loved. Therefore, they try to “squeeze” love out of us in other ways, sometimes even destructive ones.
We’re so busy, we never have time. And in the end, we shout at the one we love most, whom we care about, and we hurt him very much.
Then, in pairs, change places and repeat the exercise. According to the psychologist, after such training, many parents stop screaming. The surging experiences are too strong.
In addition, Catherine gives some more tips on how to finally cope with herself and stop yelling.
1. Catch yourself the moment you start to raise your voice.
You can even say out loud: “Oh, I started to raise my voice. I don’t want to yell at you at all. I will try to speak calmly. ” Children copy us – when we shout, they also raise their voices. We are calm – and the child is calmer.
2. Make sure your child hears you.
Come closer. We sometimes shout something to a child from the kitchen or another room. And he may simply not hear or, if he is very busy playing, he may simply not catch what you are saying. So get his attention: come up, take his hand. And clearly and distinctly say what you want from him.
3. Make a reminder.
When we learn languages, we often post stickers with different words around the rooms. So it is with the habit of speaking calmly: put up a couple of bright stickers with the words “Calm Voice”. Such a reminder will eventually be deposited on a subconscious level. No matter how funny it sounds, such reminders glued to the toilet work perfectly. You can even draw two people on a sticker – the big one hangs over the small one. And it will become easier for you to pull yourself together.