Coping with loss takes time. But how not to get stuck? It is important not to avoid your grief and worries about what happened. How to get through this painful period? And why is it important to talk about your feelings and share them with loved ones?
“Let’s look at three stories from my practice,” suggests psychotherapist Jonis Webb.
- Ever since his father passed away unexpectedly two years ago, Jared has always felt indifferent and numb. All attempts to overcome this state have led to nothing. It’s been two years already.
- Sandra is constantly attracted to one type of man – aggressive alcoholics who are not ready for a serious relationship.
- Claudia is irritated and embittered after a difficult divorce. She never manages to return to her former, normal state.
All three were at an impasse. They suffer, they are confused. “Why can’t I get out of this situation?” they ask themselves.
Fortunately for them, there is an answer to this question. The answer is very simple, but it will require them to do what they are very afraid of: allow themselves to grieve.
The human desire to avoid pain is perfectly natural.
Nobody likes to grieve, and this is understandable. The cause of any grief is the loss of someone or something important to us. Grief is always associated with pain and loss. But grief in and of itself is not pain or loss.
The human desire to avoid pain is completely natural. And it takes time to get over the loss. That is why grief is so hard for everyone. These three, of whom we spoke above, are in a dead end precisely because they avoid experiencing their grief.
Jared is actively trying to improve his life, but does not do the right thing. He is trying to improve his health. Unfortunately, attending sporting events, going on dates, and successfully completing work projects cannot help him get over the pain of loss. To leave grief behind, you need to experience it, not avoid it. He must accept his feelings – the pain of loss and sadness. He must allow himself to grieve.
Her anger is a defensive reaction, she does not want to experience pain
Sandra wants a normal relationship with a man – like others. Again and again she tries to build them. Why does she keep repeating the same pattern of behavior? She never allowed herself to grieve over her father, who left the family when she was eight years old. All her life she kept repeating to herself, “I don’t give a damn about that bastard.”
Her anger is a defensive reaction, she does not want to experience the pain of the fact that she was left by a man who should have loved her more than anyone in the world. Since Sandra does not allow herself to experience, feel and process the pain of loss, she again and again chooses for herself men with whom she cannot be truly intimate and who eventually leave her.
It was very difficult for Claudia after her divorce from her husband, the father of her children, with whom she had been married for 12 years. To cope with this loss, she focused on the children, trying to create as normal a life for them as possible. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this.
She cannot overcome her state of anger and irritability, not because she pays too much attention to children, but because she does not pay enough attention to herself. She needs to acknowledge, feel and process the shock and pain of loss.
If, like Jared, Claudia, and Sandra, you’re feeling stymied, remember that the future isn’t really a brick wall at all. Perhaps you are just going through a certain period – from which there is a way out. You already know it: you need to allow yourself to grieve.
Seven tips for those who are in grief
- Try to think about your loss.
- Allow yourself to feel the pain. The only way to get rid of it is to live, feel and process it.
- Take control of your feelings by setting a schedule for yourself. Let’s say that every day at 17:30 pm you will spend some time in seclusion to reflect on your loss and allow yourself to feel it. And after that, you can be distracted by something else – force yourself to switch, get busy.
- Put your feelings into words. Some examples are: “I am sad”, “I am hurt”, “I feel lost”, “I am disappointed”, “I am empty inside”, “I feel lost”, “I feel alone”, “I am angry”, “I mourn.”
- Share your experiences with someone you trust, it helps a lot.
- Remind yourself that these experiences are just a period of your life that will end sooner or later. This period is important and necessary so that you can adjust to the changes.
- Do not set deadlines for yourself, do not decide in advance how much you will allow yourself to grieve. The timing is very individual, and trying to speed up this process is pointless. It will last as long as it should, and not a second less.