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If your partner is prone to passive-aggressive behavior, you will need to find new ways to communicate with him. Do not hope that he will cease to be eternally dissatisfied, but this way you can at least save your psyche.
Give yourself a right that you never had in this relationship – the right to choose. Stop living by the rules that your partner sets, and start to determine your own life principles.
You may not yet know what these principles are – start small. Define what “being a good partner” means to you, otherwise you will worry that you are not living up to unreasonably high standards.
There are no ideal people. Imperfection is an integral part of human nature, and because we are imperfect, we make mistakes, which we later regret. Regret is the desire to go back in time and change something. But you can’t change what happened, you can only recognize and accept it.
The rules of the game are constantly changing, so you feel like you’re not doing enough.
Most likely, your ideas are based on examples that you were taught to follow since childhood. Therefore, now you need to figure out for yourself what it means to be a good husband or wife, father or mother, son or daughter, brother or sister, colleague, friend. Once you’ve got your bearings in place, you’ll know what steps to take.
If your self-esteem depends on the approval of others, you are like participating in an endless race, where someone constantly pushes the finish line. The rules of the game are constantly changing, and that’s why you feel like you’re not doing enough.
Like any person, you are worthy of love and respect. No matter how much money or power you have, you will never be better or worse than others. Your failures don’t make you any less worthy either. By realizing that you deserve respect without any conditions, you will stop needing the approval of others so much.
Here are some tips on how to set realistic expectations for yourself.
1. Remember that mistakes are not the end of the world.
You have made the right decisions many times and wrong many times. You are not just a collection of successes and failures. Results may vary on different days and even hours.
Your personality is not only a list of your achievements. Mistakes don’t make you bad, they just show that each of us is imperfect. You also have the right to be wrong. You can evaluate your work, but not yourself as a person.
Surely this is not the first time you have experienced failure and disappointment. How have you dealt with past failures? Use past experience in the present. We often have to do something unpleasant, but if we put it off until later, it will be even worse.
2. Appreciate your past successes
Often we scold ourselves for mistakes, but for some reason we are in no hurry to praise ourselves for successes. This leads us to seek approval from others. This is how we transfer control over our self-esteem to others, focusing on their criteria for success.
As a result, our achievements do not give us confidence. Say to yourself: “I set a goal and achieved it.” This is not bragging or complacency. This is the foundation of self-confidence. You value your own efforts to overcome difficulties and achieve what you want.
3. Moderate self-criticism
For example, you can do it like this: “I acted reasonably, especially given the limited amount of information. Yes, I sometimes make mistakes, because I am an ordinary person. Regardless of the result, I am worthy (worthy) of love and respect. It would be nice if others also appreciated my efforts, but if not, it’s okay.
About the author: Aaron Carmine is a clinical psychologist at Urban Balance Psychological Services in Chicago.