They have everything — money, a career, expensive exclusive things, but this does not make them happy. Moreover, the very idea of »just being happy» seems alien to them — they are sure that this right needs to be earned. And they work, make a lot of efforts, but the time to enjoy the «deserved» happiness still does not come. Why is this happening and what to do about it?
We are surrounded by material goods designed to ensure a good life. It is believed that the things that we own should make us happy, but in fact they are not able to get rid of pain, the source of which lies in the past.
Why is this happening? Clinical psychologist Aaron Carmine is sure that these things do not give us what we really need. As a result, our expensive toys turn into useless trash gathering dust in the attic, and we remain unhappy.
Why do so many successful people get depressed? They believed that material wealth, success in their careers and personal lives would make them happy. In fact, this idea was initially doomed to failure. Even the «threat» of happiness in the future makes them nervous. They seem to be allergic to happiness.
Insecure people do not have the experience to imagine future success, they can only imagine future failures and disasters.
Some people just don’t need happiness. Being happy is «easy». Happiness does not prove the «stamina» or «courage» of a person, his ability to endure hardships and hardships. Suffering, on the other hand, can bring certain benefits: they give us the «right» to happiness, since we «earned» it, «prove» that we are morally stronger than those who «are not able to endure this.»
For what kind of person is it important to “prove” that he is able to endure suffering, hardship and deprivation? Someone who feels flawed and unable to meet the demands that life makes. What kind of people should suffer for their «crimes»? «Guilty». So insecure individuals get rid of the painful feeling that they are “worse” than others.
Insecure people often feel that other people’s opinions are more important than their own. They often seek the approval of others, distrusting their experience and results. They were taught this by those who judged and judged them. As a result, they feel that by making a mistake, they become «worse» than the rest.
Insecure people have no experience to imagine future success, they can only imagine future failures and disasters. They constantly think about troubles that have not even happened yet, they try to plan and control everything in order to prevent future troubles.
Being confident means acknowledging your worth despite all your shortcomings.
Many do not trust their own instincts, which could tell them which everyday problems require urgent solution, what can wait, and what should generally be left alone. They do not trust themselves and therefore cannot decide what responsibility to take on, and cannot understand when they take on too much.
True self-confidence is not undermined by immature beliefs. It is based on unconditional self-respect and the conviction that, regardless of our good or bad decisions, we are in any case worthy of love and respect. Self-esteem in this case does not fluctuate up and down depending on our actions.
Confident people don’t try to win approval. They are ready to take on the necessary responsibility and make smart decisions, knowing that whatever happens, they can handle it.
Being self-confident means recognizing your worth, despite all the shortcomings. To gain self-confidence—and thus get rid of an allergy to happiness—we need to learn how to:
- recognize its unconditional value, independent of external assessments;
- maturely assess what is included in our area of responsibility and what is not;
- take responsibility for your own well-being.
The last point is especially important: it’s not our fault that we «earned» an allergy to happiness, but we can decide to get rid of it once and for all. And we can decide to remain unhappy, but we will have only ourselves to blame for this choice.
About the author: Aaron Carmine is a clinical psychologist.