Argentine Gestalt therapist and psychoanalyst Jorge Bucay has written more than 20 books that are popular all over the world. These are first-person stories and dialogues with a therapist on the most difficult topics: how to understand yourself, communicate with parents and raise children, be free and happy in love.
Psychologies: In Let’s Tell Together, a young man breaks up with a girl he’s still in love with and can’t let go of the past. How did he end up doing it?
Jorge Bucay: It’s just that the young man began the process of growth. And he stopped doing what others advised him to do. Decided to follow the heart, not the mind. I realized that I no longer need to indulge either my parents or the former woman. Until that moment, he was afraid to feel bad. And then he realized that he could feel bad — and in this state there is nothing to worry about. He leaves the position of an observer of life and begins to play a major role in it. He becomes the main director of his life and chooses the actors himself, the main screenwriter who decides how the plot develops. This responsibility must be accepted — sooner or later. The whole secret is to be responsible for everything you say and do.
But after all, those who are responsible for everything also fall into dependent relationships?
H.B.: I’m talking about responsibility, not obligations. There are people whose lives are full of obligations. They did not choose these obligations. They are obedient but not responsible. To be obligated is to be a slave. To be responsible is to be free.
How old were you when you made the decision to be responsible?
H.B.: I don’t even know… We are born dependent – on food, protection, warmth, love and those who give it to us or don’t give it. The job of parents is to teach children to be less dependent. The family can always help, but it must allow the child to learn to take responsibility. When my children were 8 and 9 years old, their mother always followed them on their heels: did they do their homework on time, did they clean the room, and so on. «It’s your responsibility!» — she said and checked their lessons, punished if something was not done. One day I talked to my wife and explained that in this way we will not teach them anything. First, we must give them responsibility for their actions. Then she was frightened: “They are still small!” — «Not! I replied. “They have a responsibility that suits their age.” We told the children, “Your lessons and school performance are now completely up to you. Whether you want to learn or not. If you don’t study, you will stay for the second year. Of course, this is not what we want, but we will not play the role of police officers! Their performance dropped. The teachers even called us to the school to find out what happened. And when they heard our “Let the children answer for themselves”, they decided that we were crazy! A month later, the children began to study: they were tired of getting bad grades. For good performance, I encouraged them. We could go to the circus, go on vacation to another country for the holidays. As a result, they no longer had duties, they became responsible! We didn’t ask if the lessons had been learned, if the household chores had been done. We asked: “How is it at school? What’s new, what’s interesting? And they never followed on their heels again. It is important to believe in the potential inherent in everyone. Do not say: «You do everything the best!» It is worth saying: “You do what you can!”
It happens that parents allow their children everything. Children grow up, but do not study and do not work, play computer games and live at the expense of their parents.
H.B.: I don’t know what’s wrong here. Perhaps adults did not know how to explain the consequences, but they knew how to command: “Either brush your teeth, or don’t brush at all!” But they did not take the time to explain why teeth deteriorate and what happens to them if they are not cleaned. The main thing is that the child himself wants to do something. And it is not him who needs help, but such parents. I would not allow an adult son to live at my expense.
They say that we love in another what we ourselves have, but for some reason is hidden.
H.B.: They begin to love at the points of contact. What about real love? She loves even if you are different. And this difference maintains our relationship. All relationships are complex. I am me, you are you. You want one, I want another. But it is so exciting and interesting to be with another person! With a person who would be my copy, I would be wildly bored: he would know everything that I wanted to tell him. Love is only possible between those who are different. If you are similar and you are a couple, then you are in love, but love is different. They fall in love with someone who is close in spirit, but love their opposite.
Here is my grandfather’s story. He was born in Syria, then moved to live in Argentina. The time came when they began to tell him that it was time to get married. «But I don’t like Argentine women!» Then the friend reminded that if he marries a woman from Syria, the Argentine government will bring her for free. Grandfather liked Sophia, he wrote her a letter, in which he put a notarized proposal to marry him. A few weeks later, with flowers and a friend, he arrived at the port. A girl descended from the ship and turned to him: “Hello, how are you?” “And who are you?” “I am Farida, your wife!” – “How so? I married Sophia.» «Yes! But when we received your proposal, Sophia was already married, I am her younger sister, she sent me instead of herself. Grandfather turned to his friend and asked: “So … And if I didn’t like it, can I send it back for free?” “No, you will have to pay for the return ticket.” Then the grandfather decided to leave her. They lived together all their lives, they had many children, and when my grandfather died at the age of 83, my grandmother died six months later. She said that without him her life would be meaningless. Once my grandfather said to my grandmother: “You must look for a man who would love you around the clock; a man who would buy you whatever you want; a man who would help you with the housework; a man who would respect your freedom. But you must be so smart that these men never meet each other … ”Grandmother was the complete opposite of her grandfather and was happy with him, because she could only be happy with a man of this type.
In The Myth of the Goddess Fortune, you teach to recognize happy accidents. What were the accidents in your life?
H.B.: One day one of my father’s sperm found my mother’s egg. By chance, I was born to these parents, and not to others, and they loved each other, which allowed me to learn a lot from watching their relationship. And by pure chance, my teachers were wise people. A school friend, with whom I am still friends, accidentally introduced me to a beautiful girl who became my wife. There is another accident — I was able to study medicine. By chance, I got the idea to write a book that became popular and was completely accidentally translated into 32 languages of the world. And here is today, in which I met you quite by chance, and you suddenly asked about the accident, and now readers, perhaps by chance, will stop looking at this interview. And all these are millions of happy accidents that make up our amazing life!