“If mom says that something is impossible, ask your grandmother.” This kind of jokes about the relationship between the older generation and grandchildren are often found on the Internet. Why grandmothers (and sometimes grandfathers) turn on the permissiveness regime and whether it is worth fighting it, we will find out from a psychologist.
“Every time I have to bring my daughter to her senses after she returns from her grandmother,” says 34-year-old Olga. Polina is 6 years old. Two hours with my mom and she turns into a spoiled monster. Grandmother arranges for her a real holiday of permissiveness, allowing everything that we forbid. I tried to talk to my mother many times – all to no avail. She laughs it off: “Let the parents forbid it, but our grandmothers’ destiny is to allow everything.”
Most grandmothers have a weakness for their grandchildren – they are ready to allow, if not everything, then almost everything. This state of affairs is usually not very pleasant to parents, but no one wants to aggravate relations. Accordingly, the conflict exists, but in a sluggish mode. And this story is repeated from generation to generation …
Why do they do this?
● With age, our parents become more vulnerable, and therefore their need for love, care and acceptance increases. That is what they want in return for their attitude. The thirst for grandchildren’s smiles, their hugs, love and the title of “the best grandmother in the world” pushes them to step on a slippery slope – to break a parental ban and secretly give candy or allow them to watch a cartoon late. Well, strained relations with parents are perceived in this case as the lesser of evils.
● Grandmothers have already passed the stage of their motherhood, with age their responsibility has decreased, and fears for the consequences of spoiling and being branded as a “bad mother” are gone. Now they are more independent of their beliefs, but still do not know how to properly present their love, and therefore replace it with pampering and indulgence.
● Sometimes, by violating the boundaries set by parents in upbringing, grandmothers show aggression towards one of the parents. Often subconsciously, but sometimes consciously.
Without Borders
Grandparents do not always realize that by allowing something to bypass mom or dad, they eventually nullify parental authority. “They want to be listened to, their opinion taken into account,” explains clinical psychologist, Gestalt therapist Ksenia Krylasova. “The reason is that they have no understanding of personal boundaries and no skill in how to build them. It was not accepted in their time.
There is a wonderful anecdote on this subject. A young man kisses a girl in his room. Suddenly the door opens, and his mother comes in with the words: “Do not be distracted, do not be distracted! I just water the flowers.
Sometimes undermining the authority of parents is a kind of revenge of the older generation for the fact that they had it differently and there was no talk of any personal space: “we lived like that, endured, and you endure.”
Pampering limit
“I told my mother-in-law many times that my son has a diet – he can’t have carbonated and sweet drinks, grapes,” says Marina, mother of 8-year-old Volodya. “She still buys them for him, arguing that he really asked.” It happens that boundaries need to be set, even if this provokes conflict.
“This applies to situations when it comes to the life and health of a child,” continues Ksenia Krylasova. – Do not want to aggravate relations and deprive your grandson of communication with grandparents? Then do not leave your son or daughter alone with them.
Another important point is to talk to your child. First, he must know why he should not eat this or that product. Secondly, it is generally useful to discuss personal boundaries with children, to explain that you can either agree to do something (eat, drink, etc.) or refuse. This will help the child form an idea of himself, other people, the nature of the relationship.
Grandfather received love and recognition and sincerely did not understand how this could harm
Cases where grandmothers are dismissive of dietary restrictions are the most common, but there are other alarming situations. “My son became very restless, he had a lot of fears, while he began to play aggressive games, spoil things,” says the mother of six-year-old Vitya. “I accidentally found out that when he visits my husband’s parents for the weekend, they watch films about the war, where there are scenes of brutal murder and violence against people.”
“The preschooler, of course, is interested, captures a lot, but his psyche does not have time to process the information received due to age and knowledge about the structure of the world. – comments Ksenia Krylasova. The boy asked his grandfather to watch again and again, in order to complete for himself the inner ambiguity of what shocks and shakes.
And grandfather was glad that his grandson shared a passion for the military theme with him, thus receiving love and recognition and sincerely did not understand how this could harm. From the height of his life experience in such a movie there was nothing dangerous for the child, but in fact it is not so.
Without exacerbations
Talking with older relatives in such situations, of course, is necessary, but only kindly. “Still, this is a close person, and not an employee, not a nanny who can be reprimanded, who can be fired,” explains Ksenia Krylasova. – And no matter how offended you are, you should not sort things out with a child.
There is also no need to humiliate the grandmother and devalue her opinion in the eyes of the children – everyone has the right to be who they are. Alas, even if you build a conversation psychologically competently, this does not mean that your interlocutors, especially the older generation, will unconditionally obey you. However, such conversations are still needed. First of all, with their help, you draw boundaries for yourself, your family and your child, and also emphasize your position as an adult.
About expert
Ksenia Krylasova – clinical psychologist, gestalt therapist, specialist in psychological assistance to children, adolescents and their parents. Her .