All components of femininity

Femininity… Today, this word does not cause rejection and surprise in anyone. On the contrary, those whom we invited to the editorial staff of the journal Psychologies to discuss what it means for them to be a woman today, it is interesting to talk about it – they are calm, free and confident. Femininity is woven into their stories, everyday impressions and experiences. This is one way to look at their lives, to talk about how they manage to get along with themselves, about their fears, doubts, joys and hopes.

In answering our questions, each speaks about herself, and not about all women in general; they do not claim to be the ultimate truth. Sometimes they doubt, are embarrassed, contradict themselves … And this is quite understandable, because the answer to the question “What does it mean to be a woman?” inevitably raises new questions. In this fascinating polyphony, we were able to hear and highlight several main motives: happiness, guilt, desire, conflicts, freedom…

What we choose

The first conclusion: our heroines turned out to be alien to any theories. Their own reality is much closer and more important to them than concepts and ideas. They talk about their “female personality” and at the same time calmly agree with the simplest definition: “To be a woman means, first of all, to be born a female being” (Maya, 21, lawyer); “I am a woman because I was born a girl” (Natalia, 38 years old, financier); “There were pink ribbons on my diapers from the very beginning” (Irina, 44 years old, surgeon).

But, on the other hand, this is still not enough for a woman to become … a woman. Gender is just one of the components. It is also important to “realize” it, to become feminine in the full sense of the word. “And this is the main difficulty,” says psychologist, narrative consultant Ekaterina Zhornyak. – The modern understanding of femininity and its criteria of unsteadiness. There is a cultural and historical view of what it means to be a real woman, there are modern social stereotypes and attitudes (contradictory and changeable) that put pressure on a woman, make her worry, feel inadequate, no matter what she does … In my opinion, the only the objective reality that we have is gender, everything else is an individual choice: whether a woman wants to become feminine and what it is in her understanding.

Psychoanalyst Yulia Kristeva thinks the same way: “Biological sex, the menstrual cycle and the ability to have children are the only possible universal features of a woman. As far as femininity is concerned, it is not a given, but a matter of choice.” But this is exactly what our interlocutors like: all of them, regardless of age and views, welcome the opportunity to be who they want to be – from the traditional keeper of the hearth to a successful business woman. “Politics is, perhaps, all that remains for us to conquer. Well, equality in salaries, ”says Veronika (42 years old, realtor).

“At the end of the XNUMXth century, the biggest changes in the status of women took place: now we can determine our own role in society and the family,” says family psychotherapist Olga Rozhkova. “The participation (and even more dictate) of parents or a husband in this matter is becoming weaker.” And since we do not have to give up anything, we can take on several roles if we wish. And often we really strive to cover everything …

maternal affection

None of our heroines began a story about themselves with the sacramental “I’m married” or “I’m not married.” “But this stereotype is still extremely strong in our society,” believes Ekaterina Zhornyak. “If a woman is under forty and she is not married, then, in my understanding, she is unhappy” (Natalia); “Society treats an unmarried woman with suspicion, which means something is wrong with her” (Nina, 40, linguist); “Recently, I received a marriage proposal and I think about it with pleasure” (Julia, 34 years old, manager).

Regardless of whether they have children, as well as plans, intentions and doubts about this, each insists on “freedom of choice” and that “the desire to be a mother is formed in different ways, sometimes a woman comes to him rather slowly “. Natalia says that she “didn’t want a child, but now she can’t even imagine her life without him.” Irina admits: “I did not quickly mature for motherhood, but when my daughter appeared, I realized that this is the main thing for a woman.” However, no one said that children are a kind of duty of a woman, the purpose of life or the fulfillment of a mission. “I have the opportunity to experience a unique experience, why refuse?” Veronica explains.

What has changed in life with the advent of children? “There is much less time” – this is perhaps the most frequent and obvious answer. And the birth of the first child becomes a “dividing strip”. “My life seemed to be divided into two parts: “before” and “after” (Elena, 50 years old, translator). “As if I lived two different lives” (Irina). Having stepped over this line, our heroines discovered a previously unknown feeling of “absolute affection”. Natalia talks about “immeasurable unconditional love and fear for the child”, Veronika – about “incomparable sensations.” At the same time, a keen sense of responsibility comes, which does not disappear with time. Elena: “It’s forever. It’s like you’re signing a lifetime contract with yourself.” According to anthropologist Marina Butovskaya, it is the ability to give life that defines a woman. “Nature has made her more stable, since it is on her that the continuation and preservation of the species depends.”

Thin connections

Women in general are very acutely aware of life, its fragility, its value. “I need to put my soul into everything I do. Breathe life in… If I don’t have the strength for it, I don’t even undertake anything” (Elena); “I couldn’t get past the flower that someone threw away. She sheltered him and went out” (Nina); “I like to feel like a mother-nurse. I love to mix, crush, invent… And especially to feed my loved ones” (Anna, 30 years old, housewife); “Yes, it’s absolutely mine – to strengthen the family, to be a bridge between husband, children and parents” (Veronika). “The role of the guardian of the hearth, the link between generations has historically been assigned to a woman,” confirms Ekaterina Zhornyak. “If we consciously accept it and follow all the “prescriptions” of this image, we feel needed, loved.”

Our heroines tend to rely on intuition. “You can’t fool a woman, she sees with her heart” (Nina); “Intuition never fails me. It seems to me that a woman is able to see 360 ​​degrees” (Julia). But at the same time, they do not consider it a purely feminine quality: “There are many intuitive men in surgery, and we are all used to trusting our intuition” (Irina). In addition, it is quite compatible with the ability for reasoning, rational actions: “Sometimes in my work I brush aside premonitions and rely on reason, but it happens that I later regret it. It seems to me that a woman is better at picking up signals from the outside world” (Maya).

Coquetry as a privilege

None of our interlocutors has complete confidence in their ability to please, although the desire to impress is inherent in absolutely everyone. Well-known means are used (or not used): jewelry, makeup, clothing. “I do not seek to emphasize my feminine virtues. Women who try to put pressure solely on the sexual desire of a man, in my opinion, look miserable. It seems to me that if a man needs to notice that I have breasts, he will notice it no matter how I dress” (Maya). Julia is sure that men like her regardless of their desire or efforts. And Irina hastened to radically change her hairstyle when she realized that she had ceased to attract glances … And of course, everyone mentioned coquetry. “This is the privilege of women, it would be foolish not to use it” (Natalia); “Everyone flirts, but they do it to the best of their artistry” (Nina).

Seductresses and prudes are equally eager to find confirmation of their attractiveness in the views of men, in the words of their friends, in their own reflection: “There is always a mirror and powder in my purse” (Nina); “And as a doctor, I can’t help but like it. I have to think about patients, that they should be pleasant and calm to communicate with me” (Irina).

How do they feel when they fail to attract attention? “If men do not notice me, I feel like an inanimate object” (Veronica); “It’s like I’m going back to childhood, and again I become a girl with colorless eyelashes” (Natalia).

loyalty to desire

Caring about appearance does not mean that women are superficial. Our heroines want to look seductive, but they listen carefully to what comes from the heart. They try to never forget about themselves and their desires. And they will never betray themselves for the sake of just being in some kind of relationship: comfortable, “but without a spark, without bubbles” (Maya). Otherwise, they will feel that they have passed by “their” person.

What do they want? “Let not eternal, but serious and long-term relationships” (Nina); “Good, good relationship. I don’t want to be offended, and without love I can’t at all ”(Irina). For many, true relationships are only possible after they have found themselves. “In my first marriage, my husband and I were like two rocks, standing side by side, but far from each other. In the second marriage, everything is different. I did a lot for this” (Natalia). Is preparatory work always necessary in order to meet a loved one and build a relationship with him? Veronica is sure yes. “Everyone says that I have changed for the better since I started dating my future husband. But I met him precisely because I internally took a huge step forward.

Female courage

Our heroines see the meaning of love relationships in “creating something in common for two.” And they are ready to devote themselves to it. “I can’t be alone. Yes, I have never been alone. I feel uncomfortable when there is no man around” (Natalia); “I have always idealized the family, even the so-called “philistine life” (Nina); “It is important for me that everything is good in the family. The outside world is harsh. And only at home can I recover” (Veronica). At the same time, they strive to work, to realize themselves in the profession …

Some sincerely believe in the ideal model of a “successful woman”, and this image helps them overcome inner doubts. But is there a feeling that you have to be torn between home and work? Most answered yes. For some, it is this endless movement from work to home and the rotation of duties that is the main cause of fatigue and conflict. They are tormented by the feeling that they are taking on a lot, but losing even more. “Work, husband, children – I do all this, but very superficially” (Veronica). “When my daughter went to kindergarten, I wrote a dissertation. Once a psychologist asked the children to draw a mother… They showed me a drawing: I was holding a huge briefcase with the words “dissertation on hyperparathyroidism” written on it (she even remembered that word!), and she was next to me, five times smaller than this briefcase” (Irina); “Even if my husband helps with the housework, in any case, I have to keep absolutely everything in my head” (Elena).

In order to do everything and cope with everything, they need special female strength, endurance and patience – they talk about it calmly, but at the same time feel guilty. “Sometimes it seems to me that I have only mistakes in my life: with my beloved, and at work, and in raising children” (Anna). Ekaterina Zhornyak explains this dissatisfaction and internal discord with conflicting demands: “Assuming different (often opposite) models of behavior, women are forced to explain to themselves why they failed to cope. They demand from themselves the same return in relationships, everyday life, at work. At the same time, fear and anxiety keep them from matching themselves, finding their own image.

What is needed for this? Try to live in the present, not to postpone everything for later. “The pictures of the future that we draw all the time make us worry and feel our current failure,” continues Ekaterina Zhornyak. – You can try to move to the present and understand whether it is important for me to be a real woman, and what it takes to become one right now – with my kilograms, wrinkles, unwashed or absent children (husbands), bad mood, imperfect hips and breasts … How do I with all this to be a real woman? If you ask yourself this question, the answer comes very soon: I was born a woman, and I am a woman at any moment of my life, I don’t have to prove it to anyone.

Be who you want

Today we have many opportunities, but it is not necessary to realize them all. After all, you can choose what is important and necessary for each of us. However, the idea that something will have to be sacrificed is not liked by most of our heroines. They think it’s unfair. They want “everything at once”: to be in time everywhere, to succeed in everything and be happy at the same time. And at the same time, everyone wants to be herself, to find something that will express her being, her thoughts and desires. They are attracted to what is unique because it gives them hope to find their own path. They strive to get to know the woman in themselves and give her the opportunity to manifest herself: “I want to find myself”, “separate the important from the secondary”, “get rid of the imposed models in order to reveal themselves” or, finally, “find my female individuality and express it in your own way.”

What will help them (us) find themselves? “Expanding the horizon: leaving the vicious circle of communication (only with your family or the closest, narrow circle); inclusion in different social circles; acquaintance with traditions; migration between groups of people (including in Internet communities); travel,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. — So you can feel the conventionality of stereotypes and get more freedom. And that means becoming a little more relaxed, a little more calm and a little more open to the pleasure of being who you want.