Most of our problems come from childhood, and even outwardly prosperous families sometimes grow up unhappy people with a broken psyche. Psychotherapist Rebecca Mandeville believes that this is no accident. It’s all to blame for a special form of psycho-emotional violence, the “scapegoat syndrome”.
“As a family therapist, I have repeatedly worked with clients who were trying to get out of the role of “household scapegoat”, not realizing that this is the reason for most of their life’s difficulties. They complained of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem, but they believed that they had brought themselves down and did not understand how total bad luck was connected with this unenviable status, ”says Rebecca Mandeville.
Scapegoats are much more common than we think. This is one of the roles imposed on a child who is brought up in a problem family, and its negative consequences often remain for life. Many adults do not fully realize that in childhood they were subjected to psycho-emotional abuse in a particularly sophisticated form. Moreover, even specialists are not always able to recognize the symptoms.
Some psychologists and psychotherapists downplay or underestimate the genuine suffering of adult scapegoats because they don’t know how destructive this form of domestic violence is.
For example, a client who hopes to resolve a protracted family conflict is told: “But this is your family, they love you”, “Kinship ties are very important, probably not everything is so bad”, “Try to forgive them, because you need to maintain good relations with relatives “,” Do not tear with them in a temper, because this way you just reinforce unhealthy parental attitudes. Such recommendations only reinforce the fears of clients that the blame for all family troubles lies solely with them.
16 signs you’re the scapegoat
1. You are seen as codependent, highly sensitive, and overly empathic. Or vice versa – painfully proud, which is quite understandable: your parents harassed you so much that now even harmless remarks are perceived as an insult. You cut short anyone who misbehaves with you unnecessarily.
2. You find it difficult to express your feelings because from an early age you learned to talk less about yourself so that family members do not use the information received against you. Perhaps many (including parents) call you an insensitive and heartless egoist, unable to love. Because you are used to suppressing your emotions, you may have developed physical illness, addiction or codependency, anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder.
3. You have been taught that the quality of relationships with your parents, guardian, brother or sister, and other relatives depends only on you. It doesn’t matter who is to blame – all family troubles happen because of you.
4. If you tried to state your version of events or objected to family authority, you were called a liar, crazy, “sick in the head.”
5. One or more family members have physically, emotionally or psychologically abused you, including gaslighting, that is, denying, distorting and twisting the facts in order to establish themselves at your expense.
6. Distant relatives and even acquaintances were told that you are a naughty, “problem” child who does everything out of spite, cunning and lying at every turn.
7. If as a child or teenager you tried to complain to relatives or strangers that you were offended, they did not believe you. Parents, brothers or sisters denied their actions and every time they made you look like a liar.
8. You were slandered and humiliated: they called you “difficult”, “sissy”, “artist”
Relatives did not hesitate to paint your “shortcomings” to everyone they met – of course, in your presence. For example: “Oh, she was an unbearable child, she was always whining and naughty.”
9. When you fell ill, they accused you of pretending and informed all your relatives, near and far, about this, apparently in order to shame you once again.
10. As an adult, you continue to blame yourself for any failures in relationships and suspect that you were born that way – flawed and worthless.
11. You feel uncomfortable around your family, you feel like a black sheep that does not belong here. It seems that you are squeezed from all sides, neither to breathe, nor to make an extra movement. Just being yourself is unacceptable, and you may not even know what it is – your true “I”.
12. You find it difficult to create healthy attachments, trust people and love, and you also blame yourself for this. Most likely, you are attracted to narcissists, abusers, alcoholics or drug addicts, and although you understand what this threatens, you still get involved in destructive relationships.
13. You struggle with anxiety, depression, impostor syndrome, or suffer from complex post-traumatic disorder or bouts of unexplained morbid grief.
14. You are a “hopeless patient”: you consulted with various specialists, but neither doctors nor psychologists are able to explain why you feel so bad, get to the bottom of the matter and prescribe adequate treatment. Conversations with a psychotherapist, mindfulness practices, medications help little – unless the specialist understands that the roots of your illness lie in the once experienced domestic violence.
15. Family downplays or overlooks your personal and professional accomplishments.
No matter how highly others value you, for your relatives you still remain a “fraudster” who fooled everyone and pretended to be someone he cannot be: successful, healthy, competent, a great specialist, and so on.
16. You may have gone to extremes and limited contact with relatives to maintain mental health. However, you doubt your decision and feel guilty that you acted dishonorably or wrongly by pulling away from your family.
Many examples seem to be written off from you? Most likely, you did not expect that they are explained by the “scapegoat” syndrome, raised in an abusive family.
In adulthood, those from whom their relatives made “scapegoats” in childhood often suffer from toxic shame, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. They react aggressively to the slightest injustice, reliving difficult childhood experiences, and as a result, the family continues to attribute mental disorders to them. Despite the risk of hurting himself, the growing child fights hard for his needs and desires and strives to earn the respect of the most important figures in his life.
Adults do not believe that they are capable of achieving great goals, and do not know how to form strong trusting relationships with others. After all, when they were children, they were forbidden to be, feel and express individuality on an equal basis with the rest.
The role of the “scapegoat” imposed by the family can have dire consequences. If you communicate with a psychotherapist or plan to contact him, be sure to re-read the above examples: they may lie at the root causes of your problems.
About the Author: Rebecca Mandeville is a family therapist who specializes in coping with the negative effects of parenting in dysfunctional families.