All ages of female sexuality

These author’s psychological descriptions are unusual not only for their depth and accuracy. What is important is the life-affirming and very poetic view of female sexuality that Alain Eril shares with us: every age is like a flying planet, which with its bright side is always turned to living radiance, when a shadow falls on the other … How can these texts be useful?

“First, you can try to recognize yourself in them: to determine whether they correspond to what the woman is really experiencing at this moment,” says the analyst. “And then try to understand that sexuality develops along with life itself. And that any questions and difficulties can become an impulse for her awakening, for inner growth. Because for a full-fledged, happy sexuality, age limits simply do not exist.

16–25 years old: Romanticism

This is the time of entry into sexuality. The girl is rather trying to determine what this sphere of her life will become in the future, rather than finally choosing some of its stable form. In each meeting, she hopes to better know the power of her emotions and feelings, to reveal her own sexual potential. This period of her life passes under the strong influence of the experience of childhood and adolescence, the old defense mechanisms continue to operate in her psyche.

Therefore, young women in a relationship are looking for a sense of security no less than adventure. One of the important features of this age is romanticism, in whatever way it manifests itself — from the gentle «Turgenev girl» to the reckless conqueror. This is a key combination for the psychology of this period: on the one hand, the thirst to know and reveal one’s abilities, and on the other, the endless expectation of a handsome prince, a dream of a reliable and loving man who will be able to awaken her sexuality.

On the dark side: anger, depression, protest

Sexual experience is sometimes accompanied by disturbing feelings, a feeling that a woman is embraced by certain “powers” ​​that are difficult to control. At 16-25 years old, she feels inept, awkward and courageous at the same time. This may give rise to a certain thirst for protest in her — against the upbringing she received, the image of femininity that her mother passed on to her; against modern society, where it is customary to think that sex is “easy and simple”; finally, against herself and her inability to overcome internal contradictions.

On the bright side: the desire to attract, the growth of self-esteem, the ability to wait

This is a time of discovery — the ability to seduce and a special way to assert herself, thanks to which her self-esteem grows harmoniously. This is what helps her to accept the need for waiting, an indispensable companion of this age.

25–38 years old: creativity

The period of natural stabilization of emotions: a woman already knows her body better and what needs to be done to be in harmony with it. She is familiar with strong feelings, and therefore her desire to bring a creative note to sexuality is more and more clearly manifested: to open up to herself and her partner, to surrender to her feelings and her attraction …

After 35 years, the feeling of the notorious «biological clock» running can either reduce sexuality to the goal of procreation, and the role of a partner — only to the role of a producer, or fill it with a joyful feeling — from a shared desire to have a child. If the previous stage has passed without serious mental trauma and failures in relationships, a woman openly and fully enjoys the freedom to be herself and follow her desires.

On the dark side: dissatisfaction and impatience

When expectations are not met, the feeling of dissatisfaction can give everything to do with sexuality a touch of bitterness. On the contrary, if meetings with partners turn out to be harmonious and fruitful, a woman reveals herself for real. However, when her sexual life does not find a true and accurate direction, a feeling of frustration fills her entire sensual world, which is painted in shades of irritation and impatience.

On the Light Side: Courage and Determination

One of the advantages of this period of a woman’s life is that she is ready to take risks and experiment! At the age of 30, it’s enough just to gather all your inner strength, direct it to the goal and not go astray. This determination allows her to act and demand what desire leads to. This is a special way to subordinate reality to what a woman needs for a more or less joyful and serene life.

38–47 years: sensuality

The turn of 40 years becomes a kind of moment of truth, when it is necessary to clearly determine in what relationship a woman is with herself, her body and desire. Concern about motherhood recedes, reopening the way for desire, pleasure — or new fears. Quite naturally, sexuality begins to build around the feeling and image of femininity. A characteristic feature (if not a task) of this period is the need to reconsider and re-evaluate one’s own identity precisely as a woman.

During this period, many already manage to create a harmonious relationship with their own body and not depend on those samples and models that are imposed on a woman from the outside. Inner peace is born in her, she radiates strength and harmonious self-confidence. Numerous studies on the topic of female sexuality confirm that many experience orgasm for the first time at this age.

At the moment of intimacy, a woman first of all listens to herself and her feelings, but also accepts all their strength and fullness, not trying to hide her feelings, deny them, or run away from them, because it is during this period of life that they reach their highest expression.

The psyche of a woman gives her a natural mechanism to help her, allowing her to loosen control, “let go” of the situation and remain in tune with herself. Having discovered this ability in herself and feeling all the joy of such a discovery, a woman gains confidence that allows her to assert her desire and live her sexuality easily.

On the dark side: irritation, sadness, decline in desire

During this period, the first harbingers of menopause may manifest themselves. In a symbolic sense, these are signals of the coming age — bouts of irritation or anxiety, vaginal dryness, decreased libido, cycle disorders … They can complicate sexual life, causing a feeling of bitterness, nostalgia, depression. Some regret that they «missed the main thing», did not have time to know pleasure, and now it’s too late. A certain decline in desire is possible.

On the bright side: joy, spiritual discoveries, inspiration

These years may, on the contrary, bring great discoveries. Women no longer want to treat pleasure as a form of melodrama. They strive for pleasure, like an «ode to joy»: full of lightness, courage and rebelliousness. They want to try new things and do it without guilt.

They also have a need to combine sexuality with spiritual values. These women often think about the connection between love, sex, and what we would call life energy, for lack of a better word. They do not want to follow the sexual impulse (as is typical for men), but to explore the emotional essence of pleasure. And when they succeed, they feel an incredible surge of inspiration — the apotheosis of the attraction to life!

47-50 years old: search for meanings

The key four years are those that will determine a woman’s entry into her 50th birthday. The questions that arise here must be resolved. Time does not wait, and therefore it is necessary to determine your relationship with pleasure — clearly and confidently. This “countdown” has the potential to provide momentum for the coming years. It encourages you to turn to yourself, to analyze, deeply and honestly, your own past.

A woman often goes through three important stages, summing up.

First, there is a desire to relive the emotions of who she was before: to take the path she has traveled as a fulcrum, so that, pushing off from her, move on, accepting her present … and future.

Then there are questions about their own couple: those who have invested their strength in family life expected to receive (and did not always receive) joy and satisfaction from her. Now they have to strengthen existing relationships or revise them. Not necessarily in order to come to a break, but in order to give them a new, living meaning.

And finally, on the threshold of her 50th birthday, a woman again turns to the search for her own femininity and its relationship with sexuality. This is a deeply inner path of self-discovery, which is in many ways similar to her previous intellectual and spiritual quest: she needs to clearly realize her belonging to the world of women.

On the dark side: alternation of despondency and exaltation

During this period, between 47 and 50 years old, the fear of aging can come in waves. Some, because of him, begin to consider their body devoid of any attractiveness. This can also lead to the loss of sexual desire, which is very symbolically replaced by the expansion of social ties — women become very active, enter into associations, develop creative abilities. This renunciation of sexuality can be established for a long time.

On the bright side: the rise of sexuality

Having experienced nostalgia for the past, a woman can feel an unprecedented thirst for life and pleasure. This explosion of feelings overwhelms her partner, making her want her with renewed vigor. It’s a moment of grace that promises happy hours for the two of them in the future…

50-55 years: change

If it were necessary to define sexuality during this period in one word, «again» would be the most accurate. But in order to fully live and feel this life-giving “again”, it is necessary to take into account some features of this special age. If the first signs of menopause often appear by the age of 45, then after 50 years a real hurricane falls on a woman in the psychological and physiological sense! The body changes, libido decreases, periods stop, hot flashes are accompanied by anxiety attacks, and despondency is replaced by irritability.

Many women believe that all this means the end of their desire. But many — and there are more and more of them today — already know that sexuality does not end with the onset of menopause. There is a kind of internal struggle between hormonal changes that seem to extinguish desire, and sensuality, which, on the contrary, strives for pleasure, lightness, openness. Women who resist the vicissitudes of the times in the struggle for their desire always win: they are led and inspired by the strongest thirst for life. It is she who gives them the right to foresee the future with joy.

And even if menopause always brings with it the fear of aging, in the present they experience a full range of erotic pleasures, which are only brighter because women have nothing more to prove — not to themselves, not to their partner, to anyone at all. Whatever their past, they develop an interest in sexual experimentation, rediscovering old sensations and exploring new areas of their sexuality.

They turn to their body and their capabilities not in order to «surpass themselves», but in order to better know the depth and power of their pleasure. They do not strive to look young and do not believe that their body is the same as in 20 years. Most of all, they desire sensations and feelings that can shock them. And they know that they can survive them thanks to their own body!

On the dark side: fear, loneliness, depression

Some may desire sensual pleasures, while at the same time believing that their body is no longer capable of this. They are overcome by bitterness, followed by feelings of fear and loneliness. Having settled in the soul, they can give rise to depression, sometimes deep. That, in turn, extinguishes attraction, and it is possible to get out of this state, regaining your appetite for bodily pleasures, only through serious inner work.

Where does this fear and loneliness come from? From the inability to accept yourself as you are; from the inability to enjoy otherwise than alone …

On the bright side: spiritual clarity, fullness of life, emancipation

And vice versa, if a woman managed to pass the previous period safely, these years will be filled with feelings of spiritual clarity, fullness of life and freedom. The first of them gives a completely physical sense of one’s own integrity — and this is the basis on which everything else is built.

When a woman simply and naturally accepts her body, it responds with sensations … simple, natural and very strong! Just as naturally and freely comes the sexual flowering. But only if the woman accepted the parting with her youth and learned to be more calm about the present. Then she can experience a rebirth, feel confident and full of vitality.

55+: performance

It is absurd to say that at 65 the body does not cause any problems for a woman. But desire here remains a life-giving source for her. And if it has the opportunity to express itself, it can bring unexpected gifts — postmenopausal orgasms. Sexual energy in these moments is focused on pleasure. Sexuality is no longer the goal of relationships and no longer a playground for complex psychological games with yourself or your partner. If by this time the woman has managed to complete the necessary inner work, she is ready to re-open herself and her sexuality. Pleasure for her is not just a discharge, but the need to reunite with herself through her feelings.

On the dark side: depression, loneliness, indifference

If life leaves unhealed wounds on the heart and body, a dark veil of depression can envelop a woman. Sexuality is written off into the archive, and the idea that the dawn is still possible seems ridiculous. This particular kind of depression takes hold of the body, causing only its losses to be seen. As a result — indifference, detachment from life, inaction, lack of emotions …

On the bright side: spirituality, freedom, joy of life, balance

Taking care of your body, being open to your sexuality, allowing yourself this joy — to live … All this can give a woman a fierce confidence in a life in which there is always a desire. Thanks to him, she strives to better understand who she is and what her place in the world is.

Wisdom is born in her, as if inscribed in her body — wisdom, not alien to hedonism. With a sense of great freedom, a woman over 60 is able to assert herself in pleasure and in her own bodily incarnation.