alien family

They will give you in marriage, to someone else’s family …

Well, of course, if the newlyweds can afford to live in a separate apartment, and build their lives on their own. However, the benefits of this may not be as great as it might seem, and talking about it is probably not so interesting, especially for Moscow, where the housing problem is still so far from being resolved.

More often it happens when a young wife moves to live in a house with her husband, or vice versa. By the way, contrary to popular belief, a husband living with his wife’s family is also a fairly traditional phenomenon, especially in some regions of Russia, the old name for such a person is priymak.

In both cases, almost identical problems arise of the peaceful coexistence of a husband with father-in-law and mother-in-law, or a wife with father-in-law and mother-in-law. Yes, young people can also have conflicts with each other, but they love each other, and this facilitates their internal troubles, and they usually perceive their spouse’s parents as completely outsiders for themselves people with whom, like it or not, you have to coexist.

At first I intended to write an article for those who would like to establish normal relations with the parents of a husband or wife, but I decided to postpone it for the future, since, in my opinion, they are already in a better position — they got married or got married in their own way. decision, and their parents face a fact that requires them to make room and give the young people the opportunity to start building their families.

What can I advise people who are quite experienced, accustomed to their life in their own home, when it suddenly turns out that they need to peacefully coexist with a young man or a newly-made woman whom they, in general, do not know very well. Of course, their child’s attachment to this creature is a good recommendation to a certain extent, but…

No matter how old our children are, they are still just children for us. It just changes from one problem to another. First, we worry about whether the baby’s tummy hurts and whether he is full, then the first question becomes how well he behaves in kindergarten, whether they offend him there (somewhat less — whether he offends someone there), then school marks arise, then institute problems along with the problems of institute friends, or his work, whether he keeps himself there correctly, what are his prospects at work, whether he will be drawn into any adventures … And now — marriage. Of course, we could tell a child a lot about what kind of people there are and how to deal with them, but children do not listen to us. The son believes that he is in love for life with this thin-legged girl, who herself is still a child, or the daughter is sure that she cannot live without this strange, self-confident boy …

Well, God grant them happiness, after all, we also surprised our parents at one time, but, pardon, we must somehow take into account that, besides them, two more adults live in the house, with well-established habits, who understand much better, how to treat their child, and generally more experienced … What kind of manner is it to leave hair in the sink, or take today’s newspaper to work in the morning, leave an open book on the kitchen table, and with the cover up, you can’t treat books like that at all, especially from a collection of works … Once they said — it doesn’t help, two — it doesn’t help, three — our own child comes up with a claim that, you see, we are bullying and slaughtering his beloved creature …

Is it possible to make everyone happy? After all, even people who come together out of mutual sympathy have to get used to each other, sometimes for quite a long time … Let’s not prophesy. This, of course, depends, first of all, on the people themselves, on good will. Those who had to live in a hostel know that with a certain skill in the science of communication, you can get along with almost anyone. But, nevertheless, I somehow don’t want to turn my own house into a hostel, after so many years of caring for comfort.

What to do? It seems to me that, first of all, you just need to remember, and constantly keep in mind a few fairly simple things.

«Who carries his house on his back?»

Every person, and even every animal, needs some kind of personal space, the owner of which he is nominally and actually.

The deprivation of this personal space causes psychological discomfort, up to neuroses. Ideally (not often achievable for us), this should be, at a minimum, his own room, at worst — his own corner, table, any place where he could spend time calmly. In principle, a person is much more adaptable than animals, so a person is able to “declare” as his personal space not only a certain “place” sufficient for location, but also a desk drawer, a bag, or even a pocket. Although this is possible, but do not think that this is the way out. A person with such an inferior personal space becomes nervous, irritable, quarrelsome.

If you can allocate a large enough area for a son-in-law or daughter-in-law so that he (a) does not feel disadvantaged (s), then this will ultimately play on you. You should not think that your child will take care of how to place the betrothed (s) in her room, if any. A child is a child, and it may simply not occur to him (her) that someone may be uncomfortable in the room where he (a) has lived (a) for so many years, and that the spouse needs some separate place when he it is proposed to share everything that he, his beloved (her, beloved) has, and even together with him (her) in addition. Therefore, discuss the issue at the family council in the absence of a new family member, and decide how best to make sure that he can accommodate in the usual way at least in one place. No need to look for scarce square meters, if they are not. A bookshelf, a wardrobe compartment, a drawer in a desk, a personal chair, let him do whatever he pleases there. Then the wife, in response to the question «Where is my notebook?» will be able to calmly answer “Where did you leave it!”. And then you should no longer pay attention to what is happening there, no matter how unusual it may be, unless it interferes with YOUR personal space.

«Relax, you know…»

A person should be disturbed in his personal space only on the most urgent issues. Otherwise, this space automatically ceases to be fully personal. It is not good when you can be alone with your thoughts and feelings only in the bathroom. It is also not necessary to think that having appeared on the “common territory”, a person thereby becomes available for your questions or requests. If there is nothing urgent, then it is better to wait until the situation becomes convenient for communication — a joint tea party or TV. No matter how worthless the activity of a son-in-law or daughter-in-law may seem to you (solving a crossword puzzle, playing cards, listening to bad music), you should not interrupt it if it is possible to do it in a more comfortable environment, otherwise, among other things, you may be faced with that they just don’t hear you. And even this ability can become a habit.

This is not a whim, it is a necessary condition for creating a good homely atmosphere. The constant expectation that someone may demand your attention at any moment is unnerving. You can try to write notes, they will be read at a convenient time for the addressee, and will not cause a feeling of interference. Of course, you should not be like the heroes of a joke writing notes like “It’s already 8 o’clock! It’s time to get up!»

Moreover, respect for the right of another to dispose of oneself will form a reciprocal respect for your personal space and your personal time, and you will insure yourself against unexpected encroachments on your peace. Do not be shy about expressing your needs directly, adhering to the usual roles of a strong host or a tireless hostess who knows how to do everything! “Guys, don’t make noise for an hour, I want to sleep (or watch a series)!” — and you will rest in peace instead of being quietly angry all this time. By the way, if earlier it didn’t occur to you to knock on the door before entering the room to your son or daughter, now it’s better to do it, otherwise you may become uncomfortable.

“I tell them — don’t lie, but they keep lying and lying …”

As you know, they don’t go to a foreign monastery with their own charter. You will definitely face the fact that the acquisition of your child does something that is not accepted in your family, or something that you were ready to allow only your own child. You should not try to raise a person who is struggling to be independent, ask your son or daughter about it. He (a) will do it softer, and, most likely, more effectively, since mutual understanding, whatever one may say, should be better for young people. In addition, this will save you from a likely protest against your direct instructions. Leave the subtleties of solving the problem to the young, but offer a couple of options on how to avoid conflict-generating actions: instead of constantly dripping “Your put wet shoes on the carpet again!” say “Show him where to put the shoes, and, at the same time, where the rag lies — he probably didn’t remember yet …”

“… They pull, they pull, they can’t pull it out. Grandma called her granddaughter … «

A son-in-law or daughter-in-law becomes a new member of the family, and as members of the family, they must participate in family life. The son-in-law helps the father-in-law with the men’s housework, the daughter-in-law helps the mother-in-law with the women’s. In no case should you give instructions — you are not in the army, which will be especially difficult for the head of the family if he is used to having everyone obey him. But to ask for help is quite appropriate. In helping, try to accept the assistant (assistant) as an equal, giving the opportunity to use your experience. Be grateful even if he (she) is not doing well. Learn with time and with your help.

A man needs to feel confident in himself. The owner. if you do not give him this opportunity, then he will remain the role of the ward, the role of the child. Do you need such joy on your neck? Think about what area in the house and family the son-in-law could manage. Now, however, it happens more and more often that the newlyweds all go to work, hoping to get back on their feet as soon as possible and provide for their families well. Well … In this case, you should not load him heavily, sometimes even a correctly and quickly guessed word in a crossword puzzle will give him the opportunity to assert himself somewhat, but still there are cases when only he can do something for the house. And if he does not get into the pose “I earn money, and for this I must be served!”, Then honor and praise be to him.

In the case of the daughter-in-law, everything becomes a little easier, and at the same time a little more difficult. Women are known to feed their men. They feel like the mistresses in the kitchen, and at the same time the kitchen is to a certain extent part of their personal space. Therefore, the sight of a daughter-in-law frying fish in a pancake pan can put even a patient hostess in a bad mood.

It would be more correct, when preparing food, to ask how they eat at her house, what she prefers to cook. Don’t be surprised by anything. It is clear that every household eats differently, but it is also clear that each person’s own way of life seems natural. Here you can gossip in the kitchen, who eats what, who cooks how, what dishes you use for what, what, in fact, the newlywed herself prefers, and what part of the kitchen sacraments she is ready to take on. In no case do not try to show your superiority — it is already obvious. Only the most stupid daughter-in-law will dispute it with you.

How many slots are in the family piggy bank?

This question should not be left to chance, unless income levels vary greatly. Such inattention can lead to conflicts. You should highlight in a conversation with your child what family expenses will be common. Usually this is a payment for utilities, a subscription to publications that the whole family reads, in good cases and with similar tastes, food is included in the general expenses. It is also customary to spend money together on repairs, household appliances, furniture, and dishes. True, the decision on the need for these things should be made jointly. Laundry issue. It is understandable if parents wash their child’s things. But should they wash both newlyweds? Or should washing their clothes be a personal task for them? In the absence of a washing machine, this can be a problem. If there are difficulties in the distribution of laundry duties, then you should seriously think about buying a washing machine (normal, automatic, not a bowl with a propeller), especially since in the future you can expect a small one.

«I don’t care about your gift…»

It is clear that you want to establish good relations with your son-in-law or daughter-in-law as soon as possible. Sometimes it seems that small gifts can contribute to this, but we must not forget that in front of you is a person with unknown tastes and preferences. Your gifts may not be what he (a) may consider suitable for himself. Much more correct will be small manifestations of care, usually evoking a feeling of gratitude, but not too persistent. An offer to get a better bite, a reminder to remember to bring an umbrella or a sweater with you, as cold weather was promised, the question of whether you should duplicate the alarm with your voice if you get up earlier. Remember that even Nicolo Machiavelli wrote that many small blessings are perceived better than few large ones.

Along with this behavior, you will gain the moral right to make minor requests, such as requests to serve or bring something, give you a better seat at the table, or turn down the music. Please note: the right to NON-ESSENTIAL requests. One should never expect any action IN EXCHANGE for some action. In general, forget the turn “he must” (“she must”), only he himself can oblige a person, and you should ensure that it is beneficial for him. Tacit mutual offsets never lead to satisfactory results.

«If you want peace, prepare for war!»

(If you want to live in peace, be ready for war (lat.))

What can I say … It is clear that the fewer of them, the better. Do not forget that most of the annoying manifestations of the life of a newcomer in your family occur out of habit, by mistake, or out of ignorance. Try to express your protest in the most gentle way. Focus not on your dissatisfaction, not on the unpleasantness of what happened, but on how to avoid this in the future. Never involve your own child in conflicts with your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, he will be in an extremely disadvantageous situation, on the one hand he will be forced to protect you, and on the other, his spouse. Do not try to appeal to his parents, you simply will not be understood or perceived as a sneak. But in a calm tone to talk with them, avoiding accusations even in intonations, about what their child was doing at home, it would be appropriate if relations allow. You can learn a lot of interesting and useful things. His (her) parents may volunteer to resolve these conflicts themselves — by no means agree. If you do not take control of the situation from the very beginning, it may be difficult for you later on.

Ask yourself if there is a conflict, or if it exists only in your mind. Remember that emotional conflicts rarely lead to a resolution of the situation. Be reasonable, you are older and more experienced.

«And let yours be — yes, and no — no»

Even if you try to be as gentle and friendly as possible, it won’t help if you’re not really that person. Any acting game is possible only for a not very long time. You can constantly make a SMALL effort to soften communication, but if you play some kind of welcoming host or hostess, then you will almost certainly not last long. Behave in a normal way, do not mislead a person. If you are overly complacent at first, then after you run out of patience, the son-in-law or daughter-in-law will be surprised by the sudden change, and they will have to readjust when they are no longer ready for it. The deterioration of relations will come all the more so that constant tension will increase your irritability.

Honesty is the best policy. You, in all likelihood, will have to live together for a long time, with all the shortcomings, both yours and your son-in-law / daughter-in-law. The sooner you get (and give) the opportunity to take them into account, the easier it will be for you to adapt to them mutually.

Frankness of relations in this case will be much more useful than politeness. This does not mean that you should be gu.e.m or unceremonious, after all, a person is a stranger, unfamiliar, but efforts to maintain politeness should be done no more than you feel able to do constantly for a long time. One often hears complaints from the elders: “How dare he talk to me like that! In such a tone! No way. He may well not perceive his expressions as impolite. His voice is so loud. Or in the house it was customary for them to talk like that. Or is it that he allows himself liberties from excessive trust in you.

It may seem that your frankness may go unrequited, which will put you at a disadvantage. Indeed, how can you force another person to be sincere towards you? However, your own emotional openness has your interlocutor in addition. On the contrary, closeness can interfere with the frankness of another, even if he was disposed to it. Do not worry about positional advantages, it is almost impossible to keep any personal characteristics and character traits a secret from the family, sooner or later you will get a complete picture of what kind of person has settled in your house, but a trusting atmosphere can only be created by conscious efforts directed inwards.

Do not forget, again, that the new family member is initially in a more disadvantageous situation, and your honesty in both words and deeds can in no way worsen your situation.

An exception can be, perhaps, only conflict situations when you have to restrain yourself. Deter, however, only until you calm down enough to serve your interests without open (or not very open) confrontation.

Do you respect me?

You can love for nothing, but a person who loves your son or your daughter did not take it upon himself obligation to love you. His attitude towards you can be expressed primarily by the degree of respect, and in good cases, friendship. Advice, however, suitable for any life situation — do not do anything that you could not talk about publicly. Don’t do things that might get in the way of being respected. Even if it creates some inconvenience, it will always pay off handsomely. You just need to always and carefully keep in mind that many actions look completely different from the outside than from the inside. Respect can only be mutual. If it seems to you that the choice of your child is such that there is absolutely nothing to respect him for, then at least you can respect his right to be as he is. Just as he did not undertake to love you, so he did not undertake the obligation to live up to your ideals.

Don’t forget that your attitude will come back to you. What you allow yourself in relation to others, you automatically allow them in relation to yourself.

I am aware that all these tips do not cover the whole variety of difficulties that arise when different people have to live in the same house, but perhaps they will help you or your loved ones in some way. Even if this article only benefits one family, I will consider that the magazine and I did a good job.