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They cannot understand and express their emotions in words. They have difficulty distinguishing anger from sadness or fear. Psychologists call this condition alexithymia. Every sixth of us suffers from it.
“I am fascinated by famous writers: they can describe the experiences of their heroes on whole pages,” says 36-year-old Roman. For me, this is a completely different world, not the same as mine. I often can’t put into words what’s on my mind.»
The concept of «alexithymia» arose in the 1970s. It is derived from the Greek lexis (to speak) and thymos (feeling). Maurice Korkos, a child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, an expert in the French Psychologies, believes that this is a big problem of our time: “Our society sacrifices emotions to stereotyped symbols. A smile is enough for us to describe our condition. Emotions have become two-dimensional.”
How does alexithymia manifest itself?
I don’t understand what I feel
Alexithymia is characterized by confusion in sensations. Psychologist Olivier Luminet, co-author of the book Alexithymia, explains: “A person cannot clearly separate his feelings — say, anger from fear and joy from shame. When feelings are raging inside, he cannot accurately determine his condition, and this worries him. One of the reasons for this is education. “In some families, talking about feelings is not accepted or even considered bad form,” explains psychotherapist Catherine Emele-Perissol.
I don’t like what I feel
“A person with alexithymia experiences more negative feelings than positive ones,” notes Olivier Lumine. “These experiences are strong, painful, they can embarrass and frighten him.”
Why talk about what makes you angry?
“Especially when it is a consequence of mental trauma,” continues Maurice Korkos. “A wall grows inside a person that protects him from emotions that can revive the memory of a painful event.” And this is also the result of confusion. “A person cannot draw a line between the external (an event) and the internal (his feelings). Talking about pain for him is like re-experiencing it. It’s a defense mechanism that works automatically.»
I don’t know what to think about my emotions
“Physical sensation does not give rise to emotions and cannot lead to the formation of experience, and with it thoughts,” explains Maurice Korkos. Where does this imaginary barrier come from? “The first sensations of childhood are first interpreted by the mother,” recalls the psychoanalyst. “It is she who gives them meaning, translating them into words (“you must be hungry or afraid”) and responding to them with gestures and a look.” If the child does not receive a response or the response is inadequate, the emotion loses its connection with the goal. Then why talk about it?
What can be done?
Find words
Catherine Emele-Perissole recalls that “an emotion is first of all recorded in the body, before receiving a mental image that can be translated into words. But there are certain words that speak about our mental states. Look for the ones that seem right to you without trying to explain your choice. Reading emotions can start with simple concepts — for example, «depressed», «drooping» when it comes to sadness, and «boiling», «indignant» when it comes to anger.
Release the body
To better see the connection between words and feelings, Olivier Luminet advises using non-verbal techniques: “Psycho-body practices are very effective: muscle relaxation makes the body more pliable and unblocks sensations; hypnosis, an altered state of consciousness, can help a person understand their feelings and express them more accurately.”