Consultant: — Alexei, tell me what you have?
Alexei: My question is about personal life. My wife, Valya, and I constantly fight, but I love her. But when I start to think, I understand that only a child keeps me next to her.
And I begin to realize that if I want to feel comfortable in life, then I need to create a new family. But I know that if I leave Valya, then at first there will be serious conflicts: I will not be allowed to see the child, they will impose on him the thought that I am bad. And I feel sorry for her and the child, because I created this family myself. And so I think, build my future, or continue to feel sorry for them.
Recently, for the first time in our family life, we had a serious conflict. Usually, when there is a scandal, I give up, because she emotionally drives me to an action that I cannot afford, and it turns out that she always won.
This time, I suddenly didn’t care what would happen even if she left, and I just got up and left. And what is surprising: she herself went to the world! And this is when I was mentally ready for a divorce. But I understand very well that this is a temporary truce, because her commanding tone remains, and it makes me shrink into a ball inside, and there is a desire to answer something bad.
It was constant, all seven years: we squabbled, cursed, etc. But now I met a person with whom I feel warm and comfortable, and the situation has changed. There was no betrayal, but even against the background of friendly relations, I understand that this is my man. I mean, now I have somewhere to go.
I’m used to passing all the difficult life moments past me, I had a good training for this, and I understand that I will survive everything, even if she forbids me to see my child. But something keeps me close to her, and I think it’s just a pity: a person will not scream angry, swear, if he feels good in his soul, which means she feels bad. And I’m starting to feel sorry for her.
Consultant: — First: the wrong analysis of the situation. You look from the first position, or even from the template, but where are the other positions? At least the third or fourth? Missing, as well as a vision of prospects. You closed in on yourself, on your personal centropupism.
Alexei: Yes, I understand what you are talking about. Now it’s really like this: I’m uncomfortable, it doesn’t suit me, but what the hell, I’ll create something new for myself. Me, me and me again.
Consultant: — Alexey, in this situation the number of participants is not the same. Right now, you only see three members here. It’s you, Valya and the child. And only within these participants, you are looking for alignment. And this is not so. In this situation, it is quite probable, and absolutely possible, realistic, and other characters, they cannot be deleted. This is another woman who can be your favorite, she is also alive, she has her own destiny, she has her own happiness, possible or absent. And there can be your own personal tragedy if, for example, you don’t have it. And your children, I don’t know, one, two or how many, which you can also have, and which, for some reason, you don’t selfishly think about.
And all your thoughts come down only: as for me personally, is it convenient or inconvenient. And how do you live so that you can do more for life?
Alexei: — I see it this way: I will do more for life if my children are happy. But this can only be if I feel comfortable in the family, there will be no squabbles …
Consultant: «Are you sure you won’t ruin your second family?» It’s not hard to leave. And with a child, everything can be solved, and with Valya — the last situation that you told, says that she understands everything. And you can always consult, agree. She thinks. But personally, I have an internal rule, think about it, maybe it will suit you too: make a decision, converge — do not converge, do not need to quarrel. This should be done when the relationship is wonderful.
Now, if possible and necessary, bring Valya to the meeting. And then your task is to manage the situation in order to become the head of the family, to become the man in the family. So that the child and Valya know that Alexei needs to be obeyed.
Alexei: “If this requires a war, arrange a war?”
Consultant: There will be no war, just the situation will be resolved.
Alexei: “Okay, but what if she says no?”
Consultant: — And now in your family it’s exactly like this: all the wonderful, wonderful people, everyone says something of their own. So what?
Alexei: — Then it turns out that that last conversation was like this: I said that these things do not suit me, I will not live like that. What I was at first, standard, gu.e. words, like, “you got drunk”, and the next was the phrase: “I, most likely, will not be able to provide for your needs, you already decide …”
Consultant: — What is the content behind the words «you snickered»?
Alexei: “It means that I give her little attention, that she needs support. These are the main things.
Consultant: — Decipher what «attention» is? Do you know what exactly to give?
Alexei: — This means that I hug her more often to listen. But there are certain difficulties: sometimes, when I come up and hug her, she can twitch and say: “I told you not to hold me behind my back like that.” After that, the desire to hug a loved one gradually disappears.
When I listen to her, I do not have time to seize the initiative, and I find myself to blame for all the problems that she talks about.
Consultant: — How to do it. For example, you touched her, she twitched. You say: the first — “Excuse me, please”, the second — “You see, there is a corner? Step back for 10 minutes and stay there. You offended the head of the family, and you can’t do that.”
Alexei: — Well, she laughs, smiles, says, «Fuck you.» My actions?
Consultant: — No, my dear, I repeat to you again, ten minutes in the corner. In the meantime, the family ends.
Alexei: — She will say, “If you don’t like it, go get a divorce, I don’t need this.”
Consultant: — Okay, let’s get divorced.
Alexei: «Then we’ll be XNUMX% divorced.» She will get me through this.
Consultant: — You don’t talk to your husband like that, it’s a matter of format. “If you don’t know, Valya, let’s go to a psychologist, he will explain.” And you let her do it.
Alexei: Yes, I gave her a lot of permission.
Consultant: “You taught her over the years that you can disrespect a man. Let’s do this: next time you come together, and I will talk with Valya myself. And I will offer her: «Valya, let Alexei put things in order in the family, and you learn to obey him.» And let’s see what she has to say, I think women can be sensible.
Alexei: “If you can get it across to her and she understands and accepts it, that would be great.
Consultant: — Accept. What decision you will make after that, Alexey, I don’t know. Even if you decide to create another family, you need to put things in order in this family, in any case. The task is good, fun and realistic. I think that it is not difficult to agree with Valya if she comes for a consultation. And she may not come, that’s another matter.
Alexei: — This is the most difficult thing: how to present it to her so that she wants to come for a consultation?
Consultant: — Very simply: “Valya, would you like to improve relations in the family? Let’s go to a psychologist, and if I misbehave with you, then let him tell us about it. Dont go? Okay, it’s my job to propose.» You say all this calmly, because you, Alexei, are doing well.
Alexei: — Yes, I understand that everything is fine with me. But I doubt: is it possible to change her behavior, if for seven years I have allowed her all this?
Consultant: — This is a question for you: do you have enough strength? You have to be methodical and sometimes tough. Even if you can’t, it will still be a great workout, daily attentive work. You will record your conversations on a dictaphone and bring them here — we will analyze them. Valya will grow wiser anyway.