Alexander Kolmanovsky: “Kindergartens are an evil to be avoided”

Psychologies: This is not the first time I’ve heard that you are a deep opponent of kindergartens. I don’t think I’ve heard anything like this from any child psychologist. Why such rejection?

Alexander Kolmanovsky: I have to say one more seditious thing: it is generally harmful for children to communicate with children. That is, you need to communicate, this is very good, but only under the supervision of an adult who is not just present, but acts as a regulator of communication.

Without this, in any children’s team, starting with two, and even more so when there are more of them, animal competitive relations are established. Who is the first, who is faster, who is stronger.

In this situation, all children lose. The one at the bottom of the pyramid, for obvious reasons. The one at the top is the less obvious. He quickly learns a seductive lesson: «This is how to succeed in life — push everyone with your elbows.»

If there is one candy for two, there is a strife between the children. If an adult is present at the same time, he either divides it in half, or removes it, promising to buy it at all later. If there is one bicycle, the adult says: “Masha rides before that post, and Pasha rides after it.” An adult can remove this competition, resolve it.

Competition is harmful to a person of any age. It replaces the motive of activity from meaningful to sporty. And a person no longer listens to himself — how it is more interesting for him, how it seems to him more correctly. He looks around: as if someone had jumped him.

In kindergartens, this competition is not only not fought, but is exploited as an educational tool.

I’ll try to guess: “Look how Vanechka reads well, and you are all delving into syllables.”

A.K.: Quite right. And Vanechka inevitably begins to be proud of his trump card. And when he loses in something else to some child or even an adult, he says with annoyance: “But I’m more well-read, but I play chess better, but I pull myself up more times.”

But kindergartens are part of our social structure. Moreover, it is believed that the child just needs to be sent to kindergarten, otherwise he will not be socialized.

A.K.: Yes, such children socialize faster. But not in the way that parents would like. An example of such early socialization is homeless children. This is exactly the kind of socialization that all parents in the world would like to avoid.

Not all parents have the financial ability to hire a governess or a nanny. How to be?

A.K.: Life is made up of compromises. They inevitably have to go. But it’s one thing when you realize that this is a sad compromise — then you try to avoid it as much as possible. Another thing is when you think that this is a good decision to strive for.

It’s time to get out of the decree, but there is no money for a nanny. Here we must understand such a deferred threat: because of this kindergarten, chosen now, in 10 years there may be such difficulties that will require much more resources to eliminate them.

When my son was born, I came to my primary school teacher Lidia Semyonovna to share my joy. Then it was still the Soviet Union and kindergartens were considered not only the norm, but an obligatory norm.

And she said: “Spin as you like, go out of your way, but do not send the child to kindergarten. The gap between children who come to school from the family and from the kindergarten. As far as the former are more assiduous, so the latter are more neurotic.”

What difficulties in 10 years are you talking about?

A.K.: My father was an excellent student, and studying at two schools at the same time: in general education and in music. And in a secondary school, he was somehow not “hung out” on the board of honor for excellent students. The father felt offended in the best of feelings and practically quit studying. This means that he was driven to a large extent by motives of self-affirmation, and not by content.

Or, for example, a loser — it is difficult for him to focus on his studies as something meaningful. He thinks only about sticks and gingerbread, but since gingerbread «does not shine» for him, he drops his hands. This is how competition will be in the future.

Many consider kindergarten as preschool development, without which it will be more difficult for a child to learn. It is a myth?

A.K.: This is true, if only the absence of any kind of developmental education is considered an alternative to kindergarten. But if they are engaged with a child, take them to sections, circles, instill a love (not a skill!) To read, then this thesis is debatable.

I once toyed with the idea of ​​organizing my own school, arranged according to my ideas. One of the problems that has always been a stumbling block for me is how to select children? Over the course of many years of work at the school, I was repeatedly involved in the selection test for admission to the school. And more than once I found myself in a dead end.

On the one hand, the child really must correspond to the level of the class, otherwise he will fall out, slow down everyone. On the other hand, if I do not take a retarded, mentally exhausted child now, where will he go? It will go down even more. And I suffered until I understood the selection criterion for myself.

I would not select children for my school, but parents — according to the consonance of upbringing and pedagogical attitudes, so that the child does not find himself between two fires. I would conduct seminars for parents so that they could visualize the ideological humanistic orientation of the school. And it would be possible to reliably compare positions and understand whether we are suitable for each other.

What if your parents, for the sake of ambition to stay in a “cool school”, play along with you and do not show their position?

A.K.: Practice shows that people are not shy about their beliefs. If parents consider physical punishment of children to be right, they do not hide it. Remember, recently there was a story with a life safety teacher who, in a class in the 9th grade, cursed and beat students? He was fired, but his parents stood up for him, they said that this was the only way to deal with their children.

Where is it from? Or are these parents, like all of us, victims of those same kindergartens?

A.K.: Yes, the victims of those Soviet times and the carriers of the modern mass Russian consciousness.

I heard this version of the benefits of a kindergarten: there the child will be taught to the routine, to the rules of society, which will ultimately affect his success in life.

A.K.: You see, when you observe the life trajectory of your own children and the children of your friends, this is one story. When you observe many, many hundreds of children and adults who have grown out of them, the picture is completely different.

The real life success of a person is determined not by his organization in childhood, not by his early knowledge of foreign languages, but by the fullness of his resource, unconditional acceptance by his parents.

The less this was, the more conditional the acceptance of the child was, the more he was scolded for something, then praised, then given something, then not, because he didn’t deserve it, the more his brains were convulsed, he does worse elections, listens worse to something internal in itself. Does he feel good with this woman (or man)? Is this profession suitable for him or not?

The Umbrella Academy as a guide to child trauma

Yes, it’s not bad that he is organized at the same time, that he becomes bilingual from childhood. But if you can choose for a successful future, then definitely — this resource, a sense of security on the part of parents. Security is not only organizational, but also psychological.

The more a child is filled with this, the more secure he feels in childhood, the more courage he has for life and the more opportunities he has to master organization, horseback riding, and anything.

If kindergarten is inevitable for some reason, what should parents pay attention to? When is it worth picking it up from there and transferring it to another? Or is this system not much different in different kindergartens?

A.K.: One kindergarten differs from another by a very simple criterion, which can then be used when choosing an elementary school: so that the teacher and teacher of the elementary school be the kindest aunt as possible, sorry for the vocabulary. If she calls her parents and says: “Your child has become aggressive lately,” then she would continue: “You warm him up a little at home, caress him,” and not “Tighten the nuts tighter.”

Suppose we have selected a good kindergarten, the child goes there. What warning signs to look out for?

A.K.: I remember the son of my friends. After the first day of kindergarten, he lined up his soldiers on the balcony and began to pace in front of them, saying: “This is not at home for you, bastards!” You just need to ask the children, to delve into their complaints.

Not every complaint testifies to the incompetence of the educator. Inevitably, something has to be banned, something has to be forced to do. But in any such coercion there is a place for two opposite intonations: either “This is not at home for you, if you please obey,” or “I understand that you are bored, you don’t want to sleep, but all the kids should rest after dinner, if you don’t want to sleep, so lie down, dream «.

Ask: “How did you play? Did someone offend someone? Who was scolded and for what? They are much more willing to talk about third parties.

If something is wrong, often the reaction of parents is twofold: they either go to the showdown with the educators or the head, or do not intervene so as not to make things worse. Who is right?

A.K.: Fortunately, the choice is not limited to these two extremes. I agree that disassembly will only make things worse. Because in relation to the educator she will reproduce exactly the same incorrectness in which we reproach her in relation to our child. She, seeing that our child somehow behaves differently, reacts not sympathetically, but instructively. And we, it turns out, also react to her actions instructively, evaluatively.

If we want her to show sympathy for our child, then in our appeals she must see sympathy for her professional jambs. And with this, it is worth going to her. Do not make a fuss or sit at home, afraid to make it worse.

And go to her and spread out on the carpet, crumble with small beads: “Henrietta Sigismundovna, forgive us for loading you with our children, you have a lot of them, you alone suffer with them. You know, he’s really so special with us that when they scold him, it doesn’t stimulate him, but on the contrary, it’s very depressing.”

“Well, I don’t know how special you are!” — «Yes, you will forgive us, he is like that with us.» Enough for a few days. Then wait a few more days, then go again. But in principle it is necessary to take the child away from under such a teacher. Do not call him: “Well, you know, she is a teacher, she is an adult, you have to be patient …”

The child may agree, turn his ears and tail, and then we choke.

Children react differently to the same kindergarten: one clings to their parents, sobs, does not want to stay in the group, and the other, if he whimpers, quickly calms down. Maybe not everything is so scary with kindergartens — you just need to find the right approach?

A.K.: It happens that in half a day or in the evening the parents return, they see a calmed down, bright child, they are told: “You see, everything was in order, he had a great day, and you were worried.” It’s an illusion, don’t fall for it. Nothing is wrong there, he just resigned himself to the inevitability, but the injury remained.

The trauma is not so much from kindergarten, but from the fact that the parent did not take into account his strong feelings, his fear. And this fear takes root. And vice versa, there are parents who say: “maybe this is all true, but it doesn’t apply to my child, my child feels great in kindergarten.” This is almost a more dangerous story for me.

We understand that kindergarten is such a competitive ball. If a child feels great there, it means that he has already mastered these methods of competition.

If a child lies down on the pavement or on the threshold of a kindergarten, he roars — “I won’t go.” Turn around and go home with him?

A.K.: This situation is typical, but it is described from the middle, not from the beginning. And it begins the day before, when the parent clearly explains, without bothering his head, without powdering anything. “Tomorrow we will go to kindergarten, do you want?” — «Want Want!»

“But just imagine: I must (or must) leave, and you will stay with other people’s children, other people’s adults. There, however, everything is in such a position. Everyone feels just as insecure with other people’s children and adults. But so are you. Listen to yourself — how will it be for you?

And if the child bursts into tears, in no case do not drag him. I do not know a universal way out of this situation. I do not know how to be everyone.

Life is life. My job is to tell parents — between what we really choose. Not between the fact that the child will either go to kindergarten or not, and then we will have organizational difficulties.

We are faced with a more serious choice: he will go to kindergarten and become neurotic, or he will not go, while we will have great difficulties now, but the child will be psychologically healthier.