It is in our nature to overcome difficulties, says psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. When grievances, mistakes and defeats shake our inner faith in ourselves, we should learn to look at our abilities and capabilities differently.
Psychologies: What does believing in yourself mean?
Alain Braconier: Self-belief is a subjective feeling, it is our idea of ourselves in relation to our relationship with ourselves and with others. This feeling is absolutely necessary for life. An excess of faith in oneself often speaks of some kind of internal problem that can lead to excessiveness, to paranoia. Conversely, a significant lack of self-confidence can result in depression. A depressed person is not able to rely on himself to act, to do things. And in order to re-experience self-confidence, which is the basis of our personality, you need to combine several elements. A strong emotional connection with the parental figure, attachment to parents is the main condition for the formation of one’s own sense of self as a person, a sense of one’s being. When a child feels supported, sees that he is being watched with love, encouraged, he feels loved in the truest sense of the word. If he is loved, then he can love himself. This resource is renewed and re-created throughout childhood and even throughout life. Take, for example, a teenager: he is fine if he can fall in love, grieve when he is abandoned, and fall in love again. This means that he gained and strengthened the ability to overcome failures.
What can damage our faith in ourselves?
AB .: We have a natural ability to overcome difficulties. But at the same time, repeated failures, hurtful words that come from a loved one, from the boss or from school friends, undermine self-confidence. And if such situations also echo some story from the past, which once made you doubt yourself, in your abilities, causing narcissistic trauma, then the pain and feelings associated with the previous trauma return. This is clearly seen in the example of adults who come to counseling with the problem of disbelief, most often expressing it with the words: “I am not what I should be, I am not worth anything.” And very often such clients have a problem with studying at school, experienced by them in their very early years. Yes, self-belief is strengthened throughout life, but the same thing happens with disbelief — it increases over the years if traumatic events are repeated. There is a risk of falling into a vicious circle: doubting ourselves, we can really do something not quite well, which, in turn, causes a feeling of failure, a drop in self-esteem. This happens not only in work, but also in relationships, both love and social.
How to restore an inner sense of security, self-confidence?
AB .: I think that we need to gradually “tame” ourselves again, moving from simple to complex. We will not immediately set too ambitious goals for ourselves, we will do what we will definitely succeed. And we will choose detours: entertainment, sports, cooking — it’s all the same, as long as we like what we get here, even if it is not directly related to the area of our life that is vulnerable. In this way, gradually, we can again look kindly at ourselves and at what we do. This is the psychology of everyday life.
I often see young couples who have absolutely no confidence in themselves as parents. They do not know how to rely on themselves, on their intuition, on their mind, in order to raise children. They are afraid of harm. Meanwhile, I think just watching your child, noticing signs that he is doing well, means already being able to assess our parenting abilities and make sure that we have turned out to be good enough parents. We also need to rely on the result of what we are doing, and on the opinion of another, because both are a reflection of ourselves. We are all in dire need of fundamental recognition of our existence, whether it be from parents, children, bosses or environment. You know, lack of recognition is one of the main reasons we suffer at work. We need others to feed our narcissism so that we can love ourselves enough and gain confidence in our own strength. So do not be afraid to say about it, ask. This will already be a big step. But if self-confidence is completely destroyed, up to immersion in depressive states, then psychotherapeutic help is absolutely necessary.