If you do not deny your age and do not deny yourself the joys of life, it can become an occasion to reconsider your relationship with yourself, to make them more calm and free, explains 75-year-old psychoanalyst Daniel Kinodo.
Psychologies: How does awareness of one’s age arise?
Daniel Kinodo: Humans are living beings, and we know that we are mortal. Now, while I was saying this phrase, I became older by a few seconds. However, we become aware of our age especially acutely at certain points in our lives. First periods, pregnancy, first wrinkles and first gray hair, menopause, the feeling of dwindling vitality… We realize that we are getting older, and when we get married or wonder if it is too late for us to build a family; the birth of children obliges us to abandon the idea of ourselves as a young, unbound woman. Age is reminiscent of the day we become grandparents; our first adult job and the moment of retirement are all situations when we change our place, our role in society. We are «aged» and difficult trials: the loss of loved ones, illness. But I sincerely believe that at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 and beyond, it is possible to experience aging as an active developmental experience if we are able to pay attention to the unique inner riches of our personality: our personal history, our virtues, our talents. What we like—or don’t like—about ourselves.
- V. Skulachev, M. Skulachev, B. Fenyuk «Life without old age»
Why, as we age, do we increasingly feel the gap between the numbers in the passport and how old we feel ourselves to be?
D.K.: Although our bodies and the way others see us gradually change over the years, we feel that our personality remains the same. A woman in her 35s and 40s won’t wear the miniskirt she wore at 20, but not because she thinks she’s much older. There is a discrepancy between real and subjective age, but two positions must be distinguished here. You can want to look younger, but at the same time remember your age, or, conversely, refuse to recognize it and decide to remain 20 years old forever. We can love our wrinkles and gray hair if we carefully keep in memory the different ages of our lives, without idealizing the past and not renouncing it. In my opinion, aging is a constructive process. Growing old, we not only keep our past in memory, but also build our future, although, of course, the time allotted to us is shortened. We continue to create our lives every day. In addition, if we lose some physical ability, we can make up for this loss with our inner, emotional reality. I started to deaf very early. This was a serious test for me, but I managed to compensate for partial hearing loss: I became more focused and pay more attention to others.
Does such a life position require special optimism?
D.K.: The main thing is to keep interest in yourself and be able to get involved in new things! I believe that every person is born gifted, everyone has their own unique talent. It is important not to waste time envying others, thinking that the grass is greener in someone else’s meadow. Today I am 75 years old, I have wrinkles, but I can love them too, because those around me love them. You know, if your loved ones see only your infirmity, it means that they themselves are afraid of growing old.
Does aging have benefits?
D.K.: Yes, it can be a rewarding experience. The system of values is changing: much of what used to be important is receding into the background. Love and relationships are freed from the need to demonstrate their sexuality and potency at any cost. In addition, new relationships are formed over time, more complete and rich. One of my 72-year-old patients told me a story from her childhood that accompanied her all her life. One evening, when she was six years old, she was shelling peas with her grandmother and suddenly asked her: “Grandma, if you were told that you would die in a quarter of an hour, what would you do?” She looked at her carefully and replied: “I would clean the peas with you.” The grandmother and granddaughter were completely immersed in their simple daily activity, so it became truly precious.
- Are you afraid of old age?
- Find out your inner age
But is age also a disturbing reminder that we will someday die?
D.K.: Yes it is. But in addition to chronological time, I also managed to experience a different kind of time. It has nothing to do with the movement of the clock hands. This is admiration for beauty, strong emotions, an interesting thought that makes you look at the world in a new way … The older I get, the more I am touched by these seconds of touching eternity and the more I want to convey to others the knowledge that they exist. This is not a denial of time, but, on the contrary, proof that we continue the exciting journey along the road of life.