Aggression is forbidden: how to express anger in an environmentally friendly way

Family therapist Assael Romanelli suggests exploring the topic of relationship aggression and the reasons why we avoid expressing anger, hatred, vindictiveness, and other “forbidden” feelings towards loved ones. The author emphasizes that he does not approve, does not encourage and does not consider any form of violence or abuse to be normal.

Good bad evil

“I just want to be closer to her, but my wife treats me with aggression and neglect,” the family man writes on the blog. He insists that he needs true intimacy, presenting himself as the unfortunate victim and his partner as the aggressor.

Using their example, Romanelli shows a situation that is quite common in his therapeutic experience: one of the spouses does not recognize “bad” emotions in himself and denies his own role in the “dance of relations”. Entering the image of the victim, a person rarely notices and takes into account his own aggression.

But if you look at the situation through the eyes of a family therapist, you can see that this “suffering self-sacrifice” has a purpose: to appear more gentle, humane and generous than the “morally low” partner. A person eludes responsibility for his participation in the conflict by emphasizing the guilt of the other.

The “poor victim” does not understand the high price he pays for this. The role of a passive, exhausted person who does not control the situation undermines self-esteem, since all aggression is assigned to a partner, and the “sufferer” is left with self-pity, self-abasement, unspoken anger, helplessness and depression.

Why do we deny natural aggression?

Romanelli supports the idea that the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. “We were taught that the opposite of love is hate, and that it is wrong to hate people. And if we hate someone, it automatically means that we do not love him. In fact, if we do not feel love for a person, he is most likely simply indifferent to us. ”

Hatred and love are always together, as in the famous saying: “In war and in love, all means are good.” After all, love is really that battle.

Most of us grew up in families where hatred was unacceptable and were supposed to be sweet, nice, polite, altruistic and compassionate, especially girls. In relation to loved ones, it was unacceptable to show anger and discontent.

The well-known psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote in 1949 that periods of a mother’s hatred of her child are inevitable, and this is normal. Freud called the manifestation of aggression in socially acceptable forms sublimation.

David Schnarch, one of the first family therapists, coined the term “Normal Marital Sadism”. He wrote: “We all have an unpleasant side … Something bad, evil. Everyone is in touch with this, but some more than others. We all torture our loved ones by pretending not to understand it. Perhaps it is in marriage that this happens most often and with impunity.

Consequences of unexpressed aggression

Based on many years of experience as a family therapist, Assael Romanelli argues that if each partner does not recognize their cruelty, which often inevitably manifests itself in the form of aggression, hatred, anger and revenge, if each does not find a healthy way to express it in relation to loved ones, then there may be two outcomes.

1. Suppression of aggression

Negative feelings are suppressed and dissociated from the person’s idea of ​​who they are. Typical statements are: “I feel only love for my partner and I don’t understand why he is so angry with me”, “I never take offense at the fact that he does not spend time with me.” But usually the result is cynicism, passive aggression, boredom, depression, or other psychosomatic symptoms.

“Once my clients were a couple in which the woman played the role of the good-natured victim, and her husband acted as the heartless aggressor. When asked how she expresses her anger, the wife at first answered – no way, only crying.

But after a series of leading questions, she confessed: she deliberately moved the driver’s seat of their common car up and forward, closer to the steering wheel, so that her husband, sitting behind the wheel, bruised his forehead and knees. This is an example of passive aggression, which is not only ineffective, but also perpetuates restrictions in the self-regulation of this marriage.

2. Aggressive actions

Instead of verbal expression of feelings, a person manifests them through physical actions, like a small child who cannot speak about his emotions and beats his brother / sister or takes away toys.

When adults deny their natural cruelty and cannot express anger verbally or sublimate, it manifests itself in the form of physical, emotional, financial, sexual and other violence or abuse.

A typical example of passive aggression can be found in couples where sarcasm is shown. One laughs at the other with the words: “You were so hilarious at yesterday’s party,” and the person can only guess if this is an injection or a compliment.

Psychologist Robert Weiss called “feeling cancellation” a communication in which each partner in a dysfunctional relationship automatically perceives the words of the other in a negative sense. In this example, the person, having laughed out loud, internally perceives the comment as an attack or condemnation and will prepare a retaliatory strike.

All these are unhealthy and destructive manifestations, emphasizes Romanelli. And, on the contrary, open verbal expression, recognition of aggression towards relatives leads to the fact that people naturally feel love for them more deeply and strongly.

Why it happens? By showing our “dark sides” to a partner, we also open up an opportunity for him to show himself as he is. When we verbalize anger, we allow the other person to speak openly about their anger. As a result, relationships become closer, deeper and more meaningful.

The legendary American psychiatrist, the developer of family therapy, Carl Whitaker believed that the containment of aggression leads to the suppression of self-confidence, because aggression is inherently associated with vitality, libido and passion.

Verbalization and sublimation

The experience of teaching theatrical improvisation gives Assael Romanelli the opportunity to help his clients in many ways to sublimate and find channels for the manifestation of aggression. In the clinic, this is the search for suitable words and phrases to talk with a partner.

In the improvisation class – sublimation through the acting embodiment of aggressive, sexual, vindictive, immoral and other “bad” characters. Both the performers themselves and the audience are relieved during such a stage creation of vivid images of forbidden, but natural feelings.

Over time, amateur actors begin to find more and more opportunities to bring emotions out of the shadows in their personal and professional lives. Their behavior becomes less passive aggression, cynicism and violent outbursts.

Over time, Romanelli’s clients and students realize that they can simply show hatred or aggression verbally, directly in a conversation with a partner: “I hate how you feel about my mother”, “I resent that you got this offer, but I didn’t”, or even “I am very upset and angry at you for being late to my birthday! I will hang up the phone without waiting for the end of the conversation so that you understand how furious I am.

In expressing aggression directly, without attack or resentment, a lot of energy is released. Being able to openly “hit directly” with a partner allows both to move on without dwelling on forbidden feelings. In this case, the couple naturally approaches the next feelings and does not get stuck in a traumatic situation.

Honest displays of aggression eventually develop into an opportunity to more openly express both love, affection, and sexuality in close relationships.

When relationships are allowed to show aggression towards each other in an acceptable way, there are fewer omissions and attempts to speculate on the partner’s feelings. After all, both are sure that if something is wrong, you can just say it, and not strike on the sly.

How to talk to loved ones about your aggression

Romanelli offers some practical advice on how to openly express aggression towards loved ones, thus strengthening relationships:

1. To start, ask yourself what your beliefs and attitudes are about hatred and aggression towards loved ones. What were you taught as a child? What was considered acceptable, and what was considered barbaric, rude and frightening? Write a list of these beliefs. We have a tendency to attract people with similar attitudes, and as a result, similar patterns are repeated in relationships with different people.
2. From your relationships with different people, select those on whom you are ready to experiment in order to throw off the oppressive crown of “altruist and saint”. It could be a friend, partner, brother or sister. Think about how you could express your aggression in words, directly and consciously. Recognize that you are angry too. Allow yourself to express this feeling. Let it be cute, playful, or even playful at first. But maybe in time you will be able to say, even without apologizing, “I’m afraid you’ll leave me, so I’m acting like an asshole.” And then breathe.
3. Ask your partner to just let you talk about your feelings. Let him be a witness to your feelings. He may not respond, apologize, or defend himself. Don’t forget to breathe.
4. After a while, make an effort to consciously and openly articulate your anger and see how it affects the relationship. When you feel the urge to turn your emotions into passive aggression or prick your partner, recognize your impulse and be honest: “I didn’t actually forget to leave you dinner, but I punished you for preferring work to home evenings with me.”

No one promises that it will be easy, admits Romanelli: “But if you dare to take steps in this direction, then the reward can be a living, close, deep relationship in which you both feel mutual love and acceptance.”