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Left to two, they returned to three. Happy, still in shock and a little disoriented by the new rhythm of life, which is needed immediately, without giving the slightest respite … A baby requires the sustained attention of his parents and mobilizes a good part of their energy. They share the worries and joys, and this daily challenge of knowing how to meet the needs of one’s child. This creates a beautiful bond which, in the first days, fully satisfies them. Stirred by the novelty, exhausted by the shortened nights, they fall asleep every evening… like babies!
Then little by little, they land. Certainly, they became parents, and this reality will now largely guide their existence. But they remain a couple. However, we must face the facts: things have changed. It is now difficult to frolic freely where and when they want! Life becomes heavy with unavoidable obligations. Parenthood has transformed the couple, and the way each other looks at each other has changed. As it is necessary to reorganize the daily newspaper, it is necessary to reconsider the private life. Finding yourself again, not like before, but like now. To reinvent the relationship, in short. The business demands attention. But the stake is worth it.
On the woman’s side: a body to be found after pregnancy
For 9 months, the future mother saw her body transform. She often got used to it with good grace because on arrival there was the reward: the child. After the birth, she does not magically find her previous body – and there, no precise deadline to help her accept the metamorphosis.
For some women, the surprise turns out to be harsh. Because it is indeed, more often than not, a surprise. We probably do not sufficiently warn future mothers that they risk having a delicate course to pass, a trying moment when they will prefer to avoid mirrors. They were, especially at the end of pregnancy, the center of the world, we listened to them, pampered … And now general attention is shifted, from the stay in maternity, to the baby! And that we leave them more or less alone, faced with the manifestations of a body which has undergone a real upheaval: fatigue, pain, stiffness, various inconveniences … All things which obviously do not facilitate either the desire or the awareness of its power of seduction.
The belly sometimes becomes more bulky empty than full. We had not necessarily understood it well, it does not disappear miraculously after childbirth. This belly, we did not know it. Many young mothers have only one wish: to get rid of them as soon as possible. Unfortunately, we will have to wait several months before finding the one we knew “before”: more or less flat, but in any case firmer.
It happens that the young mother hesitates to show herself naked in front of her companion, and to let your stomach caress. Yet a man’s desire is not always subordinate to the plasticity of the one he loves; it would be to underestimate male sexuality to claim so. And then, he does not even suspect what, ultimately, harms the well-being and availability of his companion even more than the “volume” of her belly: the physiological upheavals that take place there.
The organs are gradually taking their place. The uterus occupied an unusual space during pregnancy, and therefore encroached on that of other organs, especially the intestines. Internal reorganization does not take place without causing some embarrassment. If there has been a cesarean, the internal scar increases this abdominal discomfort. As for the genitals, episiotomy or not, the baby has been there and the tissues remain sensitive …
The secretion of prolactin, the hormone that plays a role in the growth of the mammary glands and stimulates lactation, is significantly higher than normal in the period following childbirth. It acts on the brain, and frankly decreases the libido.
The lack of attraction of many young mothers for sex therefore not at all due to ill will! No more disenchantment. A bundle of indisputable physical inconveniences amply justifies it. This is a passage that neither partner should be alarmed about. However, sometimes the new father also experiences disturbances that can disrupt his libido and the harmony of the couple.
Men’s side: a delicate position after pregnancy
It’s been nine months that as a couple, he no longer really holds the spotlight! As a faithful companion and a convinced future father, he coped as best he could with the physical transformations and emotional fluctuations of his companion. He agreed to subordinate his desires to his. No doubt the certainty that this somewhat disturbing period will come to an end has helped him overcome it … In some cases, he is not quite at the end of his troubles.
Not always easy to find your partner as before. Childbirth is not the same as a wave of a magic wand that would make the lover reappear in great shape! In fact, she is even more tired, less available. Was it to be suspected? The experience of birth, both masculine and feminine, is generally one of those that is only truly understood by living it.
Very often the baby takes up all the space. This too, a young daddy heard him say: a newborn baby needs constant care. But he did not necessarily measure the impact on love life. If the daytime activity of her companion is mainly focused on the baby, she hardly offers any other subject of conversation when she returns home. A fascinating subject, certainly, but which favors tenderness more than eroticism. As for the nocturnal activity… The nights are short, punctuated by untimely awakenings. At first, it is not clear if and when the baby will wake up; and one does not always dare to engage in hugs, for fear that they are not abruptly interrupted, generating a very unpleasant frustration.
Sometimes the man feels a little neglected. In the majority of cases, the happiness of becoming a father does not exclude a certain impatience to become the lover, the beloved again. However, his companion does not seem to have (yet) “the head to that”. That she maintains a privileged relationship with the little being that has come out of her womb, that there is something exclusive in this relationship that escapes her, that establishing his own relationship with the newborn requires more time, he can admit it (more or less willingly). But sometimes he has the unpleasant impression of passing for a negligible amount, or even a nuisance. Would he have by chance been used as father, and rejected once his office accomplished?
Frustration can also be tinged with guilt if the young father finds himself feeling a little hostility towards the newcomer. He – or she – “takes advantage” of the woman’s body, especially her breasts. He receives caresses, smiles and sweet words in abundance. Jealousy towards your offspring is not an easy feeling to assume. But abandoning the field to him would be the worst solution. And mother and child both need the father from the start.
What attitude do we expect from a young father? The question, already topical during pregnancy, arises again. Should the lover step aside behind the father? Should he silence his desires, or even silence them? Certainly not. But trying to impose them would be less opportune than ever. His role is to give back its place to eroticism in the couple’s relations, with patience and skill.
After baby: a gradual rediscovery of sexuality
Even when sexual harmony reigned throughout the pregnancy, everyone’s libido had its ups and downs. Perhaps the lover must have put his desires on the mute at the end. In short, he knows the need to adapt. This can reinforce, in fact, his impatience to return to “normal”. But, if this is the case, he will achieve his goal much more surely by using seduction.
To become a lover again, a new mother often needs time. Above all, she must wish it. She lives in a state of grace, her intimate relationship with her baby fulfills her emotional and even sensual needs, especially if she is breastfeeding her. She settles comfortably in this relationship, with no intention of harming her companion, without even thinking that he may be in pain. If he doesn’t say anything to her, she could continue to ignore him calmly for a long time. If he reproached her aggressively, she would run the risk of fleeing the conflict by taking even more refuge in this motherhood so peaceful, so satisfying.
It is by showing her his love that the man can try to give back to his companion the desire for physical reunion. and sensual. Despite the bliss that motherhood brings her, she does not feel very comfortable in her body. She therefore needs to be convinced that this in no way alters the desire he feels for her, that she remains or will quickly become again just as disturbing and desirable.
Re-taming your partner’s body requires taking all your time. And to remember the time (not so long ago!) When he courted her… and did not hesitate to bring out “the big game”: small bouquets, daily phone calls, declarations of love…
Ideally, he should also show his support. As a father, of course, investing as much as he can in caring for the baby. As a companion, showing him that he takes into account his fatigue and his almost inevitable blues. Huge program! Not always easy to implement in reality …
To maintain sensuality within the couple, caresses and massages are just as welcome as during pregnancy. And even more, because nothing better than these physical contacts to demonstrate to his companion that she still exists in his eyes as a woman.
Little by little, eroticism breaks through in tenderness. But many young mothers have fears that will have to be calmed down before returning to “classic” antics. For reasons nothing less than imaginary, they apprehend the penetration. The solution: to widen the palette of caresses, to refine them, to prolong them.
If a woman is silent about her fears and difficulties, her man will not be able to guess them! However, he will sense her reluctance, whether she conceals it under a forced consent or an attitude of flight. He could then conceive of unfounded doubts. It needs to be cleared up: what she apprehends is sex, not physical contact.
To love yourself to your satisfaction, it usually takes time. Time without baby, quiet. Time entirely devoted to reunion. The young father could give the impetus to these escapades. And even organize them carefully, to prevent the anxious mother from being able to retract at the last minute.
Certainly, the first separations from her baby are painful! It happens that, from an erotic point of view, they do not immediately bring the expected satisfaction, the parents not being able to completely prevent their thoughts to sail towards their child. They do, however, strengthen ties and encourage people to persevere.
It takes several weeks before resuming “full” sex. Better to take the time necessary to rediscover yourself and enrich the relationship, than to rush things at the risk of causing misunderstandings and bitterness. The important thing is that dialogue and sensuality remain at the rendezvous in the couple.
If chastity takes hold over time, even by mutual agreement, this often does not bode well.. Mom and dad coo in chorus around their baby, that’s enough for their happiness… But it might only have a short time! Of course, sexuality is not the only bond of a couple; but no one can deny that mutual desire promotes complicity, indulgence and humor.