Meeting new people and dating allow a woman after a divorce to avoid completely switching attention to the child, experts say. If we use excessive care for children as a defense against painful experiences, it will not help anyone in the family.
At each age, the child faces new challenges, and in order to solve them, he has to experience failures and learn to cope on his own.
“If, after a divorce, parents feel guilty towards their children and take on absolutely everything, children lose the opportunity to develop,” explains gestalt therapist Natalya Artsybasheva. “For example, it’s time for a teenage girl to learn how to communicate with boys and compete with her peers, but then her mother intervenes with the desire to become her daughter’s best friend.
This will prevent the girl from gaining social experience and establishing herself in her community. If we overprotect a toddler in elementary school, we undermine his ability to develop patience and resilience for future setbacks.”
There is also the concept of child loyalty. When a mother devotes herself completely to a child, he subconsciously takes obligations to be always there, and subsequently does not allow himself to violate them: he does not become successful and independent, does not create a family (because then he will have to leave the nest and doom his mother to loneliness).
The child must be sure that your tradition of spending time alone will remain unchanged.
“To prevent this from happening, a signal should come from the parent: “Everything is fine with me, all difficulties can be overcome,” says Natalia Artsybasheva. “The appearance of a new partner in the life of a mother for a child can also be a good sign: she copes with everything and looks to the future.”
What is important to think about if you are going to build a new relationship after a divorce?
Views on education
It is impossible to predict everything, but it is important to understand in advance how the partner sees the methods of education. Otherwise, after the start of a life together, there is a chance to find that he behaves with your child in a completely different way than you would like.
For example, your family is not rich, and a new man begins to give the baby expensive gifts without an agreement with you, which causes children’s delight and expectation of the holiday every day. This can create an imbalance in your relationship with both your child and your new friend.
Child rights
“The child cannot cancel your privacy, it is not his responsibility. At the same time, he should have a choice: to meet with your new acquaintance or not, the expert believes. “He must be sure that your tradition of spending time alone will remain unchanged.”
This will add confidence to him and give him the opportunity to get used to and look closely at a new person.
How to tell?
Immediately after a divorce, children experience a lot of stress. They worry about someone else intruding into their lives. If you decide to be honest about the fact that you are dating someone, be prepared for a negative reaction: the child may perceive this as a challenge to his stability. In addition, such news will finally destroy his hopes that you will be reunited with your father.
Before introducing a new friend, it is important to be sure of the mutual readiness to continue the relationship.
When deciding whether or not to tell children, it is important to make sure that they have overcome the stage of mourning and have accepted the new reality of life. If the child is still acutely experiencing the separation of the parents, give him time. Perhaps this is not the best period to dedicate it to your new plans.
Think about how trusting your relationship is? Is the child willing to openly express their emotions? Will you be able to understand his true feelings by communicating his decision to date someone?
What if it didn’t work out?
The disappearance of the person to whom the child managed to become attached is not the best scenario. Therefore, before introducing a new friend, it is important to be sure of the mutual readiness to continue the relationship.
However, in life it is impossible to calculate everything. “The main thing we teach a child is to endure difficulties, including separation,” recalls Natalia Artsybasheva. – It is important not to blame the child who left. Sometimes it’s good to just hug, grieve together, and decide that life goes on.
And you need to come up with something interesting and comforting for yourself. You can discuss your own experiences and fears with friends or a psychologist. It is important for the child to know that you are upset, but you are coping and always ready to support him.
About expert
Natalya Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist. Her .