Advice for the “squeezed” and hypersensitive

A chance meeting with a friend of youth, whom we have long lost sight of; emergency situation on the road; speaking in front of an unfamiliar audience; the long-awaited first «mom» or «dad» from the mouth of a child — many events daily awaken our emotions. We are embarrassed by them, afraid to look ridiculous from the outside, restrain ourselves and think that we control them. And yet, emotions keep getting the better of us.

Double standards

Perhaps it’s because we grew up in a society where the ability to control our feelings — «to rule ourselves» — has always been considered a virtue. Self-control, like a vigilant guard, constantly reminds us: it is indecent to behave too emotionally, it is impossible to openly show our anger, it is necessary to hide our fear, restrain excitement and even joy.

Any strong emotional reaction may seem inappropriate, funny, even obscene and be perceived as a manifestation of our weakness.

There are not so many exceptions: it is the joy or anxiety experienced by many people at once who find themselves in certain circumstances. So, it’s natural to shout and chant slogans together at a football stadium or empathize together at the TV screen, on which a tsunami wave sweeps away a peaceful beach. But, say, dancing in the office on the occasion of a promotion, to put it mildly, is not accepted — just as it is not customary to openly experience your grief.

Rigid self-control creates a certain psychological comfort for us: ritualized manifestations of emotions somewhat soften the state of affect (strong short-term emotional experience) and regulate it. But at the same time, self-control is frustrating, creating a dangerous gap between how we feel and how we behave.

Those who are prevented from living by their own emotionality sometimes try to “drown out” it with the help of a miraculous pill. Many blame their own parents for their, as they think, excessive sensitivity, who raised them “incorrectly”. But both do not know or forget how important the manifestation of emotions is for our lives. Thanks to them, we express our true «I» and become more understandable to other people. In addition, emotions are necessary for our survival.

In this sense, by suppressing our emotions, we literally put ourselves at risk, because each of them plays a special role.

Fear alerts us to real or imagined danger. It captures what is significant for our life at the moment. Fear not only receives information, but also gives commands to the body: directs blood to the legs, if you need to run, or to the head, if you need to think. As a rule, fear mobilizes our energy, although sometimes its effect is the opposite: it paralyzes us while we decide what to do in a particular situation.

Anger sometimes confused with the violence it can provoke. As a rule, this feeling covers a person when he suspects that he is not taken seriously (and some people live with this feeling all the time). But anger can also be useful: it causes the release of hormones (including adrenaline) into the blood, and they, in turn, provide a powerful burst of energy. And then we feel our strength, we feel courage and self-confidence. In addition, anger tells us that we have reached the point where we can no longer control ourselves — in a sense, it replaces the manifestation of violence.

Grief helps to go into oneself in order to survive the loss (of a loved one, some qualities in oneself, material objects …) and return the energy of life. It allows you to “overcome yourself”, adapt to the loss and rediscover the lost meaning of what is happening. In addition, the experience of grief attracts the sympathy and attention of other people — and we feel more secure.

Joy — the most desirable emotion. It is she who releases the maximum amount of energy, stimulating the release of hormones of pleasure. We feel confidence, our own importance, freedom, we feel that we love and are loved. Joy acts like a magnet: it draws others to us and helps us share our feelings. It is also known that smiling and laughing have a healing effect, strengthening the body’s immune defenses.

Sense and Sense

Another major virtue of emotions is that they make us smarter. For a long time, science in a sense devalued them, placed them below the thinking mind. After all, from the point of view of evolution, emotions were born in the depths of the “prehuman” archaic mind and are closely related to the instinctive behavior of animals. New parts of the cerebral cortex, which, in particular, are responsible for the processes of conscious thinking, appeared much later.

But today it is known that in its pure form the mind does not exist — it is fed by emotions. The American neurologist Antonio Damasio proved that knowledge that is not accompanied by emotions is fruitless, and an emotionally cold person is not able, for example, to learn from his mistakes. It is interesting that children and adults learn and remember something new only against the background of a positive and sufficiently strong emotional impulse, which, figuratively speaking, opens the door to a new area of ​​neural connections.

Perception also does not exist without emotion. Every word we perceive, every gesture, smell, taste, image is immediately «interpreted» by our senses. Without emotions, we would turn into automatons and drag out a rather colorless existence.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of «emotional intelligence» into scientific circulation. He came to the conclusion that our personal success depends not so much on IQ, an indicator of intellectual development, but on the emotional quotient (EQ).

Based on experimental data, he proved that in a professional environment, it is not specialists with many diplomas who become the most successful, but those who have valuable human qualities — the ability to analyze their feelings and manage both their own and other people’s emotions.

When such people, for example, ask for help to solve a problem, others readily respond, while “emotionally disabled” (with low EQ) can wait several days for an answer to their request …

The voice of the unconscious

Emotions tell us the most important information about ourselves or about what we are dealing with, and therefore they should be trusted, listened to and rely on them. At first glance, this existential position seems to contradict the personal experience of many of us: more than once we have been mistaken, following the lead of feelings.

The greatest German philosopher Max Scheler explained this contradiction by the existence of two types of sensations. On the one hand, there are contact sensations that act like the mechanism of touch.

When we feel joy, we feel better, we can relax, we worry less, which means we are able to experience “more life”. If something upsets or angers us, we almost physically feel that our health and energy are being taken away from us — “part of life”. Contact feelings convey important information about the existential significance of what is happening for my health, my vitality. But such feelings (often coming from childhood) should not be relied upon in making decisions, it is important to be able to remove them, put them out of the brackets.

Another kind of sensations are distant ones. They are not directly related to our current state, but they capture something very significant about the other person. This is a well-known intuitive feeling. It is it that prompts us to ask a loved one: “Did something happen to you?” Or orders: “We urgently need to call home!”

We are not taught to listen to distant feelings, but they allow us to instantly assess the atmosphere in a group of people, to form an impression of an interlocutor or a situation. If you look back at your life, you will surely notice that all the most important and correct decisions in it were made relying on instinct: rational explanations usually come later.

Trust in your emotions can and should be educated and trained. It is only important not to confuse contact feelings, which communicate about us personally, with distant ones, speaking about another person.

High voltages

When the power of experiences is too great, our psychological defense mechanisms turn on — and we no longer feel anything. Depression, apathy, stupor — this is how it looks from the outside, but from the inside, a person simply no longer hurts, as with anesthesia. We transform suppressed («forgotten») emotions into bodily sensations, erasing the relationship between the emotional experience and what caused it.

Sometimes emotions take the form of their opposite. Sadness is sometimes expressed in euphoric excitement; joy is in tears; sometimes we can laugh out loud — if only despair does not crush us. Psychological defense mechanisms drain our mental and physical strength and almost always turn out to be ineffective: at some point, true feelings break through and overwhelm us.

Those who successfully hide their emotions are also subject to their pressure. You can fake laughter, play anger, lie about your true feelings, but it’s still impossible to pretend forever: sooner or later they will come out. So it’s better to be able to accept them for who they are.

You are quick-tempered or hypersensitive, notorious or paralyzed with fear … Try to master a few simple exercises that will help harmonize your emotions.

You are notorious

You hold back, not allowing yourself to express either anger or joy … Your behavior has a motive that is not easy for you to recognize. The way out is to “let go” of yourself, to release your feelings.

Try to express feelings with gestures

Words are important, but 90% of our emotions are expressed by facial expressions, by the body. A smile, posture, gestures — even a simple shrug of the shoulders says more about our attitude to what is happening than long speeches …

Recognize the existence of emotions

If a child is afraid of wolves, it is useless to convince him that they are not found in our forests. Accepting his feelings, parents may ask: “What can I do to calm you down?” There is no shame in being afraid, there is no need to be ashamed of fears.

None of our emotions are dangerous, they are our allies, from whom you should not constantly expect a dirty trick.

Keep a diary

It’s like sharing your feelings with a friend. Such a written story helps to remember forgotten emotions, to think about them, to develop an attitude towards them.

You are paralyzed by fear

The higher the «bets» (i.e., the more you lose when you lose and the greater the reward for winning), the more you panic. You are so afraid of failure that you mentally draw the most catastrophic scenarios, and you give up. The way out is to master your feelings and overcome the «paralysis» of the will.

Who is the person who inspires fear in you? Maybe the teacher who tormented you as a child, or the neighbor who wouldn’t let you through? Each stressful situation awakens in us the memory of one that we experienced in the past, often in the first six years of life. And the feeling of fear that we could not overcome returns to us again.

Breathe right

Concentrate on your breathing: lengthen your exhalations and shorten your inhalations to neutralize your internal sensations.

Remember your successes

About, for example, how you brilliantly passed an exam or won a tennis set from a friend. By building on past successes and the feelings of pleasure associated with them, you can overcome the desire to see catastrophic scenarios of events that have not yet taken place.

Prepare for the test

Consider possible options for the event, determine what you want to achieve in any case, and what you can give in to … This will help you better control your emotions.

Look at the interlocutor, but not directly in the eyes, but at the point between them

You will be able to focus on what you say, and not on what you read in his eyes …

You are hot-tempered

The way out is to learn how to control your feelings and manage a conflict situation.

Do not accumulate claims

The more you accumulate them in yourself, the more you risk breaking loose. By speaking out about your grievances, you are helping yourself avoid outbursts of unbridled anger.

Learn to Express Feelings Clearly

Name the feeling that bothers you. Without complaining or blaming, say openly: «I’m having problems at work, I’m stressed out and don’t know what to do.»

Pause

The brain needs time to make a decision and take control of the situation. Relax the solar plexus: inhaling deeply, hold your breath for a few seconds, exhale and wait before inhaling again. From time to time close your eyes for 2-3 seconds: turning off visual signals reduces tension.

American psychotherapist Chaim Ginott advises to build your statements according to the scheme: “When you did (a) X, I felt (a) Y, and at that moment I wanted you to do (a) Z.” For example: “When you reproached me for being late, I felt guilty. It would be better if you hugged me instead of scolding me.

Lend a helping hand

Before responding with aggression to aggression, ask the “aggressor”: “Is something wrong with you?” Or offer him a truce: «I’m starting to get nervous, let’s take a break, cool down.»

You are hypersensitive

You react sharply to both critical remarks and compliments. The way out is to establish a balanced relationship with people.

Don’t focus on yourself

You worry too much about what others think of you. Try to step away from yourself a bit and show empathy (empathy). Learn to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What is he thinking about? What is going through? Such a change in perspective helps to change the strategy of the relationship.

Don’t try to be loved by everyone

Sometimes it’s worth taking a chance and agreeing that someone will not like your actions, but will complicate someone’s life. It is impossible to avoid manifestations of rivalry, antipathy, incompatibility of characters. The more clearly you realize this, the easier it will be for you to accept it, and the harder it will be for others to deceive you.

Try to find «trigger» situations

Make a list of situations in which you are especially vulnerable and words that provoke your inappropriate behavior. Faced with them again, you can recognize them and not get confused.

Avoid categorical forecasts

Addressing yourself in a commanding tone (“I have to make a career!”) Or in a minor tone (“I will probably live all my life alone (on) …”) is not good for you: you feel the weight of guilt for your troubles, and this weakens your vitality and does not allow you to tune in to victory.