How easy and pleasant it is to communicate with people who respect themselves. Adults feel it, children understand it too. And this communication affects children especially positively.
In Western films and novels, every child is addressed, even an adult child, youth or teenager: “How are you, baby?” And no one is afraid to humiliate his dignity. All the love for children in general is invested in such indulgence, and at the same time, somehow, a respectful distance is maintained.
Even more important: the child feels in this intonation a guarantee of protection, which he urgently needs, and at the same time a promise of freedom and independence. For the sake of this, he is ready to stay a baby for an indefinite time. Free, independent, respected kid.
We can’t do that. We do not remember that every age has its own sense of dignity. When we tell a child that he is already big, the flattery hidden in this praise does not hide from him. He, of course, will play along with an adult, but, in general, he doesn’t need it too much. But on the other hand, he sees that an adult is very often ready to give in to him, and this confusion greatly lowers the adult in his eyes. At the same time, the adult, perhaps compensating for this involuntary cowardice, is ready to rudely scold the teenager. But — respect is lost, there is no authority, in response — insolence or resentment.
- 4 exercises to boost self-esteem
Why so? Perhaps, oddly enough, from the initial sense of equality in an adult. But this equality lies precisely in the fact that we suspect everyone of secret disrespect for ourselves, which we ourselves suffer from. So, by means of deliberate, emphasized self-belittling or rudeness that damages one’s own dignity, we want to help the child, as it were, we let him know that he, perhaps, having gone further than us in disrespect for himself, is not alone, that there is a degree of falling even deeper and he can not waste energy on ostentatious pride. We do not keep honor in mind, but we encourage conscience.
Of course, not all adults behave this way, but those who were frightened or could not become fully grown-ups. Here I want to give an example of a fairy-tale heroine, who is adored by all children without exception. Mary Poppins. Why do kids love her? command tone. Habits of a classy lady. Maybe kind? But it also hides it well. Don’t even say magic. Focuser soon. Is it really so cheap to buy a child? But it seems to me that there is another mystery here.
- How to «educate properly»?
Mary Poppins values herself very much. Respects. What’s there — loves it. In this she is equal to children. And they seem to understand this. Not when they are loved (adults can pretend to be in this), but when they love themselves. But not so easy, out of whim and selfishness, but for obvious virtues. With some exaggeration, of course. Like children again.
Children know that discipline is an indispensable condition for adults. If Mary did not require discipline, they would simply cease to respect her. In general everything is good. She is a real adult.
And Mary Poppins has her own rules. This is also important. It is also important that these are not general, but personal rules. For example, she only likes live music, not from headphones. What it is? Here’s a piano for you. She sat down and played. Also significant. She knows how to do something.
It’s time to go to bed. But then again — it’s not me who orders you, but it’s time. Here comes the camping cot. Sign of democracy. It is also in the fact that Mary goes to bed at the same time as the children. There is, of course, the question of parents. Here Mary behaves not too pedagogically. Here is an approximate dialogue. Mary: «Once they knew everything.» “And what do dogs say, and what do people fly?”
«Yes». — «So why? ..» — «They have become adults.» «But you’re an adult too.» “I am an exception. I am Lady Perfection.” There is a contact.
It is good if an adult can look at the world through the eyes of an adult and at the same time through the eyes of a child. This is not at all the case when they say about an uncle that he behaves like a big child. It happens that such an uncle does not pretend that he just has such a “temperament”, but relations with him are most often sluggish, non-vitamin. Children will be more willing to play with each other than to accept a large child in their company. In relation to an adult, they have very different expectations.
- For teenagers, parental authority is very important.
The trouble is, when an adult is touched by children, in essence, he flatters them. This is a sure sign that there is no contact. In general, a special emphasized love for one nation, for example, or an exaggerated sympathy for animals, is always suspicious. It would seem that things are from different rows. But no. In this way, a person compensates for the lack of vital energy (by imitating it), the lack of a benign outlook, the inferiority of the perception of life, and simply, most likely, the inability to love.
Children easily pick up such relationships and use them. Secretly, they know their worth. But if they want to see them as funny fools — why not? It’s even more convenient that way.
At the same time, they always have a flair for the authentic. I watched as the boys crowded around the extraordinary car that had stopped in front of our house. They bombarded the driver with questions. He answered willingly, but strictly in a businesslike manner. Someone decided to play «Detgiz» child with him. «Can she fly?» — «What for?» the driver was surprised. “Well, that’s great! Fly now over the forest, over the lake, so that all people seem small. “I don’t understand,” the adult replied gloomily.
After that, they did not cool off towards the gloomy uncle. There were still a lot of real questions: what is this? what is this for? Well, the focus did not pass, and God bless him. But the driver, apparently, is wonderful and knows everything about the car.