The word “fidelity” comes from the Latin ” fidelitis »Which refers to the notion of faith, synonymous with trust and loyalty, two values ​​appreciated within a couple. It is a proof of ” constancy in affections and feelings »But remains an extremely difficult concept to define because fluctuating, personal, according to the culture, the time or the age of the partners. Thus, a libertine mind will not perceive infidelity in the same way as a more conservative person. In addition, it poses the problem of the promise: how is it possible for a person to guarantee the constancy of his own feelings?

Sexual fidelity is an inescapable foundation of the vast majority of couples in Western societies. Very often she is just one implied contract : we rarely define its perimeter. It is a requirement of exclusivity of a territory with blurred limits: intimacy, fantasies, projects, daydreams belong only to one and the other only.

Certain elements such as the sexual past, solitary pleasures, secrets, fantasies, attractions, escape this common territory and are therefore likely to shake the foundations of the couple.

Since the beginning of the XNUMXth century, love and the couple have become more democratic and have gradually supplanted forced marriages. The couple is now synonymous with love and no longer with family duty. And since we get into a relationship because we are in love, we divorce or separate when we stop loving each other. This means that the strength of a couple depends only on this fragile, ephemeral, capricious occurrence that is love! In theory, adultery therefore becomes more episodic: parallel relationships have lost interest.

Often the person who commits adultery says it is a psychic, almost vital, necessity.

Since today it is easy to break up with your partner, what can be the motives of people who commit adultery? The strong push for individualism is undoubtedly not unrelated to the phenomenon. Individual development, including at the sexual level, is at the center of our concerns. The satisfaction of all desires must be immediate. The couple is therefore faced with a formidable social and performance pressure, since dissatisfaction on the part of one of the partners can quickly put the couple in danger, the dissatisfied partner may be tempted to look elsewhere for what he lacks within the couple.

Risk factors

Early couples who have had little or no other love affair sometimes feel the need to take stock, to review their engagement contract at a particular time in their life and are therefore more likely to commit a form of adultery.

A thousand and one reasons have been given to explain man’s deviations, including the biological impossibility of controlling his impulses.

The tendency of women to look elsewhere has been the subject of much ink in the past. Even today, the different theories are in full swing.

For the psychoanalyst E. Bergler, “ a woman in love with a man has no sexual interest in other men [normally] “. This means that the woman constantly wants to be loved, wanted, to feel chosen, chosen, the center of attention of her partner. It is a more narcissistic love experiment.

For C. Barani, it is this same tendency which pushes certain women to pass from one love to another, to reach an idealized love: we speak of the syndrome of Emma Bovary.

The woman can also be unfaithful by desire for revenge : it is infidelity-retaliation. It can arise when a woman’s pride has been affected by her partner. It will then seek to repair the damage that has been done to it by acting in the same way. C. Barani adds that “ if the husband learns that his wife has deceived him in turn, he usually reacts very badly to an affront which seems to him infinitely more serious than that which he himself inflicted, and the first, on his wife. ».

In his book L’Adultère, Bernard Muldworf identifies four different clinical forms of adulterous connections, from the ” more harmless to more serious ».

The transient sexual relationship. It is a relationship without a future with little or no affective involvement. “Consumption” is reduced to its simplest expression: people know that they will probably never see each other again and any exchange other than physical is excluded.

Adventure. Adventure is a relatively superficial sexual relationship, but it combines both the exploration of the body and the desire to discover the personality of the other. There is an undeniable emotional implication, even if the adventure lasts only the time of an evening. ” The adventure, even a very short one, leaves its mark in memory like a singular event that has no equivalent elsewhere. Because it is already a meeting of “people» and not just bodies “. It is the fleeting nature of the adventure that stimulates the unfaithful partner, but its duration is limited.

The lasting sexual bond. It is distinguished above all by its duration: to the sensuality of the adventure, is added a form of tenderness and attachment facilitated by the repetition of the meetings. The sexual or erotic interest of the first exchanges gradually transforms into human interests, without the partners necessarily being aware of it. The daily routine is avoided insofar as the relationship is unstable, hidden, secret.

Love affair. The love affair can derive from a lasting sexual affair when the feeling of love was initially excluded. It can also be registered from the start of the relationship. It is the most complex adultery. The unfaithful partner must make a quick choice: dissolve his conjugal couple in order to form a new one or end the romantic affair. Very often, the elements available to the unfaithful partner are biased: the love affair is a real honeymoon all the time, since it is on the fringes of daily life and its obligations. Clearly, the feelings are genuine, but the situation is artificial. The secret couple can only test their strength and existence in the light of the real difficulties of everyday life.

This is a question that is often debated: was man born to be monogamous? Researchers and authors cannot agree on the subject. On the one hand, many human cultures and societies have practiced polygamy, on the other hand, human psychology seems to encourage him to form a couple with a single spouse like many other animals. From a Darwinian point of view, the adultery of the male could be explained by the desire to maximize his chances of reproduction.

Why have you ever found yourself in adultery?

• Out of love or out of desire for another person (50%)
• To live a different experience (30%)
• To avenge yourself for your spouse’s infidelity (22%)
• To spice up your intimate life (15%)
• To give yourself a break in your married life (13%)
• To make your partner jealous / jealous (4%)

For you, are doing the following things already being unfaithful?

• Have ongoing sex with another partner (95% say yes)
• Have a one-time sexual relationship without love for the person (90% say yes)
• Kiss another person on the mouth (74% say yes)
• Fall in love with another person but without taking action (58% say yes)
• Flirting (in the evening, at the office …) (52% say yes)
• Have moments of complicity with a person of the opposite sex (restaurant, cinema, etc.) (37% say yes)
• Chat frequently with another person on the internet (22% say yes)

Would you be able to forgive your spouse’s infidelity?

• No never (45%)
• Yes, under certain conditions (39%)

What does it bring to the one who commits adultery?

• Infidelity helps boost self-esteem (to feel desirable again …) (49%)
• Infidelity makes it possible to satisfy one’s fantasies (38%)
• Infidelity allows you to be yourself by living experiences that you would not allow yourself otherwise (24%)
• Infidelity can sometimes save your couple by giving yourself moments of freedom (20%)

« Two people to make a happy couple is not enough » Leon Campion

« For women fidelity is a virtue, but for men it is an effort. Alfred Capus