If a child falls into a tantrum, it is unpleasant. But if an adult starts squealing and throwing things, it discourages and even frightens. What can cause this behavior and how to respond to it correctly?
“This is some kind of absurdity,” Max said, watching his wife lose all self-control when she could not get what she wanted. She behaved like a two-year-old child who was not given a candy: she waved her arms, threw small objects that fell under her arm, squealed and seemed ready to rush into a fight. And they had to agree to meet and pick up the child.
It was not the first time he had seen such a sight. Inadequate behavior of his wife largely caused their breakup. These fits of rage were unpredictable, full of aggression, absurd and even frightening. Max suggested that she ask for help, but she refused and claimed that if he did everything the way she asked, she would never be angry.
Desperately trying to keep the peace in the family, Max fulfilled all her wishes. But it still wasn’t enough. The more he gave in to her, the more she demanded. He was completely devastated and despised himself for putting up with her behavior.
After his wife broke his new phone during another tantrum, Max filed for divorce.
But he wanted to understand where her bitterness came from, if only for the sake of his daughter. Max turned to a psychologist for help, and together they found several possible reasons for such outbursts of rage.
1. Personal features. Part of the definition of a personality disorder is an inadequate perception of reality. When a person is pointed to distortions in perception, it causes anger. Most prone to such outbreaks are those who suffer from narcissistic, paranoid, dependent, obsessive-compulsive and antisocial (psychopaths and sociopaths) personality disorders.
2. Addiction. Addicts need some kind of excuse to continue using alcohol or drugs. The cycle of «emotional outburst — taking intoxicating substances to calm down» requires a constant stream of stressful events that serve as an excuse for addiction. Sometimes irrational outbursts of rage become the first sign of a hidden addiction.
3. Distraction. An outburst of rage may be an unconscious attempt to divert attention from something else. To do this, it must be spectacular enough that others forget about everything else. This is where strong emotions come from.
4. Regression. This is a common psychological defense mechanism that is often overlooked. Feeling vulnerable, a person unconsciously launches it, trying to protect himself. Regression is a kind of return to childish behavior in an attempt to escape adult reality and responsibility.
5. Attracting attention. Adults who lack attention may begin to behave inappropriately. Some of them do not care what kind of reaction they will cause from others, positive or negative. The main thing is to attract an audience, to be in the spotlight.
6. Shame. Often the cause of the outbreak is a hidden sense of shame. Often it arises from sexual abuse in the past. When something triggers painful memories of trauma, aggression becomes a natural response. This happens instinctively and unconsciously. People who suffer from severe post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may not even remember their rage.
7. Guilt. Sometimes anger and aggression are infantile psychological reactions to guilt. In fact, anger is directed at oneself, but it is much easier to project it onto others. After all, then you will not have to take responsibility for inappropriate actions that cause a feeling of guilt.
8. Fear. An outburst of anger may be an infantile reaction to a frightening situation. Instead of admitting fear and thus appearing weak to someone, a person reacts in the opposite way. He shows aggression and anger. This only temporarily suppresses fear, but helps to hide it from others.
9. Manipulation. To understand if they are trying to manipulate you, ask yourself: “What can the interlocutor get from this?” If inappropriate behavior brings a person some benefit, it will continue. This is the simplest causal relationship. If you want to stop being manipulated, stop doing what they try to force you to do with tantrums. Not getting what he wants, a person will begin to look for other ways to achieve his goal.
Max realized that there were several reasons for his wife’s outbursts of rage. And although their marriage broke up, he learned at least partly to understand her and sympathize with her and was able to explain to his daughter how to behave in such situations.
About the author: Kristin Hammond is a counseling psychologist with over 15 years of experience.