Contents
The older a person is, the less love in his life. So they say. And there is more truth to this than we would like. Why? That’s what the conversation is about.
Why do my friends, those who are over thirty and over forty (not all, of course) so want this very love, and so hard to believe in it? Why is it that the older you get, the more you have to break through — quite, by the way, recklessly and “not in an adult way” in order for this very love to be possible? And why is it so bad for people who are wise, prudent and beaten by life, this thing that younger people have in their lives (we are already silent about teenagers)? What’s wrong here?
Happy irresponsibility
How good is the life of a child — not even from the most prosperous — from an ordinary family? Irresponsibility. I write this word without a shadow of condemnation or even disapproval. This is the same irresponsibility that sincerely believing people have: no matter what you do, the higher and LOVING power will fix everything. Of course, you can get hit on the butt and stand in the corner, but these are trifles. A roof over your head, warmth, bread, clothes — everything will be. And a kind word, and household care. And the snot will wipe you off, and the floor is behind you. And if you get into trouble, then it’s their parents’ trouble after all. Listening to scoldings at school, talking to the police, looking for money or a doctor for an abortion… uh-uh, it’s when you’re older ☺.
Wherever a child, happy in his irresponsibility, does not look, he does not see, he does not know the end. By and large, he does not know the word “no” for real, “no” as a threat from which no one will help.
He knows the elders’ «not allowed», which can be cunningly circumvented if they gape. He easily jumps from the heights and climbs to the depths — in principle, he does not understand that at the “extreme” moment, the watching gaze may overlook, and a strong hand may not have time to catch it. For him, «it doesn’t happen.» And this is his happiness. The world is NOT indifferent to this child. Not just “not angry”, but “not indifferent”. The world is kind to him. Not on my own. In the face of those very loving adults who care. To whom he, this little man, is for some reason dear and needed by himself — FOR NOTHING. Just. It doesn’t even have to be love. Nothing is required at all. They love you — just like that.
Someone more, someone less, someone is simply protected, someone else is brought cakes, someone is punished more often, someone less often, but still they are protected.
Childish irresponsibility (happy serenity and a clear expectation of a good future) and that same unconditional love that is talked about so much are sides of the same coin.
Growing up moment
And again, I write the word “growing up” without that enthusiastic reverence that often accompanies it in educational conversations. Growing up is an objectively unpleasant thing, much like teeth falling out or wrinkles appearing. The same objective and the same unpleasant. Growing up is a syndrome, that is, a complex of symptoms (well, just signs ☺), it is a change in mental structure. It opens up some opportunities and closes others. It’s just a fact of life. Within the framework of our topic, the fact is unpleasant. Growing up deprives a person of love. How? Not so easy. But it’s safe.
A person grows up (not all at once, gradually) insofar as he understands one simple thing more and more deeply — both in the sense of faith and in the sense of everyday practice. He himself — by himself, as he is — DOES NOT NEED ANYONE. Nobody. At all. (I will clarify, no other person, so as not to touch on issues of faith). Parents grow old, and more and more often they want to be needed by the child. That is — I translate — they want to receive care, warmth and other money (and, of course, they have the right to this, only we are not talking about that now). But in this way, to give — just like that, for the fact of existence — that’s how it is, alas — to anyone.
In a good scenario, someone is interested in his grown-up child, abilities, opportunities, data and what he can do. In a completely different scenario, someone may like his external data. Or mind, or manner of moving. In a word, something for which you do not particularly need to strain. (Well, up to a certain age). But even here he is loved for the fact that he entertains. And the farther, the more you have to do anyway to please, entertain and not get bored.
At the moment when a person finally realizes that he is completely alone, he ceases to hope that the «higher eye» will look after, and the «higher hand» will support in one way or another — he becomes responsible — an adult. Starts to be afraid. For himself, for tomorrow, for those for whom he is responsible. There is a serious attitude towards life. And the magic of higher powers disappears, faith in a loving world. Or, if you like, the feeling of being loved disappears. No, the world and people are still not hostile (although at the moment of transition-awareness, many people think so). Everything is much worse. The world, the people, don’t care. Generally. And you — so unique — can be smeared not «for something», not out of envy and malice. And like. By chance. Just like that ☺. Nothing personal.
And now, when the magic has disappeared, the “objective picture of the world” makes the forehead wrinkle all the time. Strain. Provide. Insure. Tear at yourself and rush forward. First, with the youthful aplomb of a conqueror of the world. Then with the passion of being late for the last train. Then with hopelessness from the fact that there is no train … but you have to go.
Adulthood has different states. «I’m alone, everyone abandoned me, people are bastards.» — usually immediately after the fracture. “I’m alone, on my own, and that’s cool, I’ll be self-sufficient!” — when there is a lot of strength, and there are still few cones in an uninsured life. “I am alone, no one will help me, I have to be careful and carefully look around.” — even later. “I’m alone, but if you follow the rules, keep your head down and be like everyone else, then it will blow over or these will cover everything.” — it happens. “I am alone, and this means that loners need to hold on to each other, cooperate, help survive.” — not the worst option.
But there are those who are lucky. Lucky not to become adults or stop being them. In the best possible way.
Children’s happiness of adults
There are those who are lucky. Lucky again to be needed by someone just like that. Just for what they are. And again, someone looks after, helps, does not sleep at night and lends a shoulder — not in exchange. Not for a fee, not by agreement, not by obligation. Because he wants to. Because it does not represent what could be otherwise. Because he loves.
Actually, it’s not true, that’s just the way it is. Usually, if he is so loved, but he is not, rarely does anyone bathe in such love as in happiness. At least rarely anyone — for a long time. Because the second one still wants in return. Neither more nor less than love. Same. And it annoys the unloving. Because he, who does not love, cannot foresee everything, cannot be everywhere, cannot pick up all the little things, no matter how you remind yourself, no matter how you persuade yourself. Because it is difficult for a person who does not love to portray love, even partially. And for the one who loves, there is no burden in this. It’s like breathing for him.
So not everyone is lucky. Luck — completely unique and incomprehensible — for those who managed to get into such an irrational, unfair, undeserved feeling — mutually. It was then that the real fire of that very childish faith ignites in the soul again: that someone needs you most in life just like that, and that it will always be so. That is, you don’t have to do anything special.
In order not to have to draw a cardboard torch instead of a real fire and deceive yourself with psychological tricks that the fire is real, so as not to “make gold out of shit”, exactly both components are needed:
— love you just like that
— it’ll be this way forever.
That’s when everything happens. Then the battered, suspicious, pessimistic, rational and distrustful of the gifts of life (more and more every year!) The adult brain suddenly acquires almost all the primordial joy of childhood. No, he’s not stupid. (Although often, in the eyes of others, he suddenly begins to behave … strangely). It’s just that a lot of things that are important and necessary for a lonely person and people who are basically indifferent — now — become completely unimportant. Because life becomes a joy again from a routine. Because tomorrow again promises not “survival”, but interest and new gifts. Because you don’t “have to” live again, but … well, you understand me.
And because it always will be.
And I, following many and many before me — alas — do not know how to do it. I only know that it happens.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.