“What’s wrong with you?!” – Few things can hurt or frighten these people as much as these words. Whether the reaction is defensive or aggressive, there is a wounded inner child behind it, panicking that it will be “discovered.” They will make sure that he is worthless and does not deserve love. All this makes adult children of alcoholics perfectionists in terms of relationships. Why is it bad?
If you are not an expert, then it is not easy to recognize that this is a person who grew up in a destructive family, where one or both of the parents drank. Such a person seems quite ordinary: he is well adapted to life, motivated, empathic. The problem is that his value to himself is based on whether he manages to satisfy the needs of a partner.
He tries his best to adapt to a loved one, just to avoid criticism in his address. Such tactics are formed in childhood: a child of drinking parents systematically lacks emotional care and support that would allow him to grow up in harmony with himself. He feels the need to do everything possible to avoid any possible mistakes, so as not to be unworthy of the love that he so badly needs.
When such a person becomes an adult, perfectionism provides him with a sense of self-worth and a false sense of control over his environment. In principle, this is not always bad in a career: this quality helps to make serious professional success and achieve a lot. Another thing is personal relationships.
No right to mistake
Striving to be the perfect partner makes adult children of alcoholics (ACAs) forget about themselves and their needs. Such a person tries to seem better than he is, and lives in fear that his deceit will be revealed – and then the partner will definitely turn away from him.
Nothing terrifies ACAs more than the opportunity to stumble one day and see disappointment in the eyes of a loved one. Life turns into an incessant race for an unattainable ideal and endless attempts to hide or at least disguise one’s “unattractive” qualities and features.
Any criticism from a partner is perceived as a sign that we are no longer loved, that we have ceased to suit the other.
As long as everything is going smoothly in the relationship, there are no serious quarrels and quarrels, ACAs feel calm and confident. This usually happens during the “candy-bouquet” period. But as the relationship develops, it becomes more and more difficult to keep a face. ACAs usually just don’t have the experience of a healthy relationship, nor the skill to be vulnerable with a partner. They are accustomed to setting an unattainable bar – both for themselves and for a loved one.
However, over time, the built “facade of perfection” inevitably begins to crack, and although ACAs cling to their illusions with all their might, internal anxiety grows. Any criticism from a partner is perceived as a sign that we are no longer loved, that we have ceased to suit the other. We are faced with all the things that we suffered so much in childhood – low self-esteem, loneliness, depression, anxiety.
Rejection of perfection
Most ACAs simply do not understand where the root of their suffering is, why they fail to build deep, trusting, healthy relationships. And, not realizing this, they step on the same rake again and again, make the same mistakes, repeating the scenario learned from childhood.
The first important step that such a person can take is to abandon the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXb”ideal” relationships. Step two is to learn to appreciate your own vulnerability. It holds the key to close relationships. It is in it, and not in the pursuit of perfection.
Instead of denying our mistakes, we need to learn to appreciate the lessons we can learn from them.
Being vulnerable means learning to be honest and open about our fears, our mistakes, our hearts. On this basis, trust between partners grows. ACA is hard to understand, but it is our imperfection that makes us alive and unique.
Instead of denying our mistakes, we need to learn to appreciate the lessons we can learn from them and see them as opportunities for growth. Only when we have the courage to look at ourselves, dropping masks, only when we see ourselves without embellishment, will we get a chance for love and acceptance. Not in spite of our shortcomings, but because of them.