Adopted children

Life examples

To speak or not to speak

The question is this. Is it worth hiding from the child that he is adopted, or, for example, that one of his parents is not his own? Or maybe you think that it is necessary from the very beginning not to create a “terrible family secret” from this, so that someone from the outside does not suddenly open it? In this case, how to maintain this «knowledge» in the child?

The solution

The sooner the better

I do not pretend to be an absolute truth, but as a person who has encountered this problem, I believe that the pain and feelings from the fact that a child knows that his parents are not biological are greatly exaggerated.

Clarifying these questions at 8 or 5 years is much less difficult than at 20 or 40.

Explanation — 1

IMHO, to be clear. When you speak at once, then with this thought the child grows up and it does not seem to be something terrible or even unpleasant, but simply forms part of his life. as part of the landscape.

An example from life — my girlfriend, an American, could not give birth. They adopted a boy. When he began to understand something, everything was explained to him. Here is how Michael himself, who at that time was 9 years old, explained the situation to me: “I had a different mother, but she could not raise me as well as A. and C., my mother and father. She did everything she could, but here, where I am now, I am much better and more comfortable, and dad and mom can give me a better life and they love me very much. (The son repeated what his adoptive mother told him at the age of 5). His real sorry, his biological mother was on cocaine, and naturally, she could give him little in principle. His parents are now a doctor and a lawyer. The boy is loved as his own and there have never been any problems. But I think that if they started talking to him only now, when he is a teenager, his world would just collapse. There would be a million questions and there would be resentment and distrust of parents. And so — it has always been a part of family life and he calmly grew up with the realization of this fact. When something is a mystery or a riddle, it always causes a painful perception of “why didn’t they tell me?”.

Explanation — 2

On the first anniversary of Stork Day (the day the baby came home), I prepared a photo album in which I put all our photos — both from home and already at home 🙂 The kid loves to look at him terribly. And when we watched it for the first time, I commented:

“You lived in a house where children live who do not have mothers. Do you remember? He answers me «Yeah» 🙂

“And then mom and dad felt that their son was living somewhere, they began to look for him and found him, and they came for you! Do you remember?

«Aha.»

«And then we adopted you.»

«To her»

And let’s continue flipping through the album.

My knees were trembling 🙂 And he was fine, he looked for all the toy cars in his hands 🙂

Repartee

I remember a wonderful story. In America, as a rule, there is no question — to report — not to report. Report. And so, one adopted child at school began to be teased by a moron classmate — for being adopted.

To which he received the answer: “Well, my parents had the opportunity to choose. And yours had to take what they give.