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Adolescent age: how to avoid a war with a teenager
This is the scary word “teenager”. Parents await the transitional age with horror with all its hormonal and emotional storms. Or maybe we are afraid in vain?
– How the relationship with the child will develop in this difficult period largely depends on the prevailing style of upbringing in the family and the desire of mothers and fathers to become more flexible, – emphasizes psychologist Elena Shamova. – As a rule, the “letting go” of the child from oneself is felt more sharply and harder to be experienced in those families where the relationship between partners has long existed only as a relationship between parents, and not a man and a woman. The growing up of a child and his independence are perceived as an “empty nest”, as a crisis, and not as a natural process of personality development and transformation of family ties. This is where the legs of numerous fears grow.
Fear 1: Your teen will be rude
As a rule, the main cause of conflicts is excessive control (over behavior, study, choice of friends). At the same time, the adolescent demonstrates independence and a desire to separate from his parents. “Don’t come into my room”, “Don’t listen to my conversations”, “Whenever I want, I’ll come at that time” —are familiar phrases? This is how the growing up child realizes the right to independence, his own opinion, and choice. In fact, no teenager strives for complete, unconditional freedom. On the contrary, the possession of it can be perceived by him as separation from the family, as his own uselessness.
What to do? If the child is rude, you should not respond with aggression – this is the worst option. You can invite your child to talk. If there is no contact, give him 20-30 minutes to be alone with himself. At this age, children are quick-tempered, but quickly move away. The main thing is not to bring the situation to a scandal, not to quarrel.
We must learn to negotiate. Moreover, to discuss issues with the child on an equal footing, so that he understands: his opinion is really important to you. If the teenager broke the agreement, for example, did not do his homework, although he promised, you have the right to “include” his responsibility. “Whose deuce? Yours. So who is responsible for it? You”. You should not ask the question “why” in a dialogue with your son or daughter, because this way you can find an excuse for any situation. “It doesn’t matter why it happened. This is your personal responsibility. What do we do?” And, of course, under the prohibition, insults such as “stupid”, “fool”, “scoundrel”, etc. After a calm analysis of the situation, the child realizes that his mother is not a bad police officer, but a person who wants to help.
And one more thing: adults, learn to control yourself! If a child sees that mom and dad speak impartially about each other, scandal and slam doors, he will copy this type of behavior. Do you need it?
It so happens that the dad does not participate in the upbringing process, does not interfere in anything, is not interested in the child’s life. In this case, all the rudeness goes to mom. With only one purpose – so that she connected his father to the conflict: look, they say, what your son is doing. And so dad returns to the family coordinate system. A teenager acts according to the principle: if you don’t pay attention to me in an amicable way, you pay attention in a bad way.
And, of course, we clearly outline the boundaries of what is permitted. And in this, parents should be at the same time. Any coalition – mom with elder versus dad with younger, for example – devalues the authority of the parent.
Fear 2: Will lose interest in learning
A common situation. A teenager’s landmarks change – because of attempts to self-identify, to realize new desires and goals, to understand who he is and what he wants. Plus hormonal changes. So much for an unstable psychoemotional state, bouts of aggression or apathy, alertness or irritability. All this affects the quality of knowledge.
What to do? Parents should always be ready to help the child, but not put pressure on him. Let’s have more independence: “If you don’t want to do your homework now, tell me when you want.” And remember: there are many times less confrontation if there is contact between children and parents. Heart-to-heart conversations, doing things together, moreover, dad communicates with the boy more often, and mom often communicates with the girl.
It is important during this period to help the child to self-determine. If he has an interest in any subject, develop him: participate in olympiads, attend circles, load the rest to a minimum. A mass of knowledge, sometimes unnecessary, is a direct road to neurosis, and then psychosis. And don’t worry about being lazy. If there is real interest, there will be no laziness. And if there is laziness, it means that the child has not yet found something to his liking.
Fear 3: Will get into bad company
Indeed, perhaps one of the biggest fears of parents as a teenager grows up is that they will associate with bad company or have early negative experiences. The fears are not unfounded, since it is during this period of life that peers and communication with them come to the fore. It is important for a teenager to be accepted on an equal footing, reckon with his opinion and share his interests, so friends become truly authoritative.
What to do? Build a relationship so that the teenager shares with you, and not with friends, problems and worries. But this will not happen all of a sudden, out of the blue. The child begins to open his soul when the parent shows a constant sincere interest in him. And here it is important to emphasize gender identity with instructions, conversations, classes. Dad must understand that he has a son, from whom he must make a man. And if he does not do this, the street will “work” for him.
The best option if you are familiar with friends of your son or daughter, the guys are visiting you. It’s good when there is one best friend, then the observation process becomes easier. Again, do not confuse observation and interest with control and overprotection.
If a teenager has older companions, try to get to know them better. And if this person has not caused negative emotions, maintain this friendship. If you don’t like the new friend, try switching the child’s attention to another person or invite a dubious boyfriend or girlfriend to visit so that the children are in front of your eyes. If you openly forbid being friends with someone who is dear to the child, this will cause a storm of emotions, even leaving home. So take it easy “tighten the nuts”! By the way, leaving home, just like hooliganism or bad company, may be an unconscious attempt by a teenager to “connect” parents with each other if the family is on the verge of divorce.
Give your child more freedom, stop fighting for a place in the sun. It is not necessary to ask him every minute with a shout: “Have you forgotten who feeds you?” This will not add warmth to your relationship. And when you voice the next prohibition, convey to the teenager that you are motivated not by the desire to harm him, but by excitement for his fate.