Both phenomena are very common in our lives. Someone runs into a relationship with a desire to merge with a loved one and makes himself dependent on another. And someone, on the contrary, is afraid of even a hint of intimacy and is immediately ready to run away. Why is this happening and can such people change?
In almost any film about love there is such a hero: he (rarely she) first actively seeks her (the heroine). The hero appears before us charismatic, charming – charm itself. And everything seems to be developing beautifully and passionately, until it comes to the emotional intimacy that should naturally arise between the characters.
In the psychology of relationships, this move is absolutely normal and adequate, but not for our hero. As soon as he realizes that something serious is brewing, he turns into an aloof, cold “monster” and begins to withdraw, avoid communication and abruptly seek contacts on the side.
Why? Because directors love to present just such counter-dependent characters to our attention.
In contrast to this behavior, there is a story about all-consuming, sacrificial love, which, as a rule, is a strong addiction. In such relationships, another person becomes the main element of the universe for the codependent, who receives the role of a determining factor in everything: in mood, well-being, self-esteem, plans, self-confidence and tomorrow.
Experts call this condition codependence – it distorts perception, breaks the boundaries of the individual and destroys life.
Why is this happening?
It is believed that codependency occurs due to violations in the process of separation from the mother in early childhood. Today it is believed that from the moment of birth until the age of two or three, the child is not aware of himself as a being separate from his mother.
However, over time, based on trust and a sense of security, he has a desire to explore the world, gaining psychological independence from his mother. If the separation process is not completed or goes wrong, the child’s own “I” turns out to be fuzzy, and the boundaries of the personality remain permeable.
It is logical that if there is one extreme – co-dependent people who lack self-sufficiency, there is another – those who have difficulty entering into close relationships. This type of disorder is commonly referred to as counterdependence.
But we must not forget that attachment disorders are precisely a spectrum with different shades and degrees of manifestation. It is not necessary to perceive codependence and counterdependence as a black-and-white dichotomy without nuances.
At the heart of the desire to merge and to avoid intimacy is the same feeling – vulnerability
A person feels very vulnerable, he constantly feels threatened or afraid. Only this fear is different.
- In the case of a co-dependent relationship, a person feels vulnerable, being alone with himself, he needs someone nearby to identify himself through the relationship. In fact, another person is needed in the function of a mirror in which one can reflect and understand “I am, I am good.” Or, conversely, “I am, but I’m bad.”
- In counter-dependent relationships, there is a vulnerability of a different kind – the fear of being rejected, rejected, the fear of getting close and getting burned. Which, quite possibly, has happened more than once. It’s really very scary – to come close to what threatens again.
Both are about giving up on yourself. It is important to understand that the desire to live by the interests and needs of other people (or go to work) is sometimes an unconscious flight from getting closer to yourself.
When a person begins to approach himself, then many fears and anxieties appear on the surface due to past traumatic experiences that were not experienced. There is no way to make it so that it does not hurt both then and now. And so you want to avoid unpleasant sensations! And then any of the above forms of behavior can be convenient for avoiding pain – either living in merging, or fleeing from intimacy.
It seems that modern society somewhere even encourages counter-addictive behavior.
Today, individuality is highly valued, people learn to be (or at least look like) self-sufficient, strong.
The distance necessary for a person with counterdependence can be built in different ways.
- As a rule, he does not really like to talk about feelings – suddenly showing tenderness, he either closes in on himself again, or hurries to reduce the degree of sentimentality with some sarcastic remark.
- He deliberately limits the time spent with a significant person, and seeks to fill his life with various activities and hobbies, which, in which case, can distract him from too strong affection.
- The presence of a constant pendulum “closer-farther” for such a person is a forced attempt to sit on two chairs: not to lose someone who has already become dear, and at the same time not to fall into a frightening “meat grinder” of uncontrolled feelings.
But there is good news: with some work on oneself (not without the help of a psychologist, psychotherapist) and support from loved ones, the avoidant and the dependent have a chance to correct the situation.
About the Developer
Yulia Sviridenko — psychologist, coach, co-founder of the Lifestream online school of psychology and coaching. Her.