Activating the inner caring mother: instructions for taking care of yourself

Relationship with oneself is a difficult topic, people often catch themselves on the fact that they abandoned themselves. Someone does not allow himself to relax, someone ignores his needs for creativity, someone closes his eyes to the psychological discomfort in communication. As a result, there is an ever-increasing sense of tension and dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s life.

Such problems are usually solved within the framework of psychotherapy. But there are many things a person can do for himself. To do this, it is enough to listen to the internal dialogue and understand how inner speech is built, and, if necessary, change the strategy.

Research in the field of neurophysiology has shown that our state and feeling of satisfaction with ourselves and life is the result of a thought process: how we think and reason alone with ourselves. And we think mostly in words. What words do you use most often? Is it always words of approval and support?

Take control of yourself or take control of yourself? On Variants of Inner Speech and the Subtleties of Self-Love

What are you most likely to say to yourself if you fail?

1. “It doesn’t happen differently with me. I’m not smart enough, capable enough, successful enough…”
2. “You can’t relax. I have to fix everything. The main thing is not to sit idly by.”
3. “I’m upset now. We need to reboot and rest. I will think about it tomorrow”.

The first sentence is a typical example of the inner critic, which is now receiving much attention in the psychological literature. But our dialogues with ourselves are much more diverse than the quarrelsome comments of this inner judge.

The second and third phrases illustrate equally significant scenarios of our thoughts and conversations with ourselves. Namely: maternal and paternal. Here we mean not the speech habits that we inherited from real parents, but the manifestation of more global mental structures – archetypes, thought patterns that are common to all people.

It focuses on action and responsibility. And the phrase “I’m upset now. We need to reboot and rest. I’ll think about it tomorrow”, on the contrary, relieves stress, turns us to psycho-physiological needs and reflects the mother’s reaction.

The father archetype, as psychiatrist and Jungian analyst Anthony Stevens argued, embodies the extroverted potential of the world: work attitude and social success. By activating the father archetype, a person becomes more autonomous and successful. In turn, Stevens writes, “the mother function continues to provide the emotional support and security to get out and face the problems of the world.”

It is maternal speech that affects the feeling of psychological well-being, serves (forms, develops) unconditional love for oneself and solves the problem of taking care of oneself and replenishing internal resources.

Who is the inner mother and what threatens her absence in the internal dialogue?

The Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung, who looked at the human psyche through the prism of images, connected the mother archetype with what is called kindness, “which gives support and promotes development. It is something blissful, something giving shelter; mother is the giver of growth, fertility and sustenance…”

In the internal dialogue, maternal speech is manifested through sympathetic, supportive words.

“I came up with such a formula for myself,” a successful female restaurateur once shared with me. “I call it self-compassion. At the moment when something happens, I can single out someone from myself, sit next to me and talk to him. Empathize with him, as a friend who has something happened: “It happens. Now I’ll go get some air, I’ll forget about all this. Tomorrow will be a new day – it will have a new story.

Such a reaction to experiences may seem strange to many.

We often say such things to our friends and hear ourselves, but they rarely work. Why it happens?

In this case, anxiety and other feelings that arose as a result of failure are unnoticed and unaccepted. Communication takes place at the level of intellect. We hear only the decision – “expect less”. And it is correct. Indeed, low expectations help us to perceive what is happening calmly.

But at the moment of experiencing failure, it is difficult for us to apply this advice to ourselves, because unnoticed feelings (anxiety, disappointment, guilt, etc.) do not receive support. And this creates internal tension and resistance, which prevents you from thinking constructively, coping with difficulties and continuing your work.

Therefore, the ability to notice your emotions, respond to them, accept them and give yourself time to adapt to circumstances is very important. At the heart of such empathy lies the speech of the maternal archetype. It fills and is a kind of anesthesia for difficult situations.

The poet Gibran Khalil has a line that describes well the effect that a mother’s speech has on a person: “She comforts in sorrow, gives hope in suffering, gives strength when we are weak.” The prolonged absence of such a speech form in the internal dialogue can lead to fatigue, lack of energy, overstrain and a feeling of apathy.

Internal orphanhood. Why don’t we treat ourselves with empathy and care?

Many of us do not have this frame – to treat ourselves with compassion: there was no one to learn this from, there was no habit. There can be many excuses for neglecting your feelings and condition (“no time”, “difficult”, “ashamed”, “there are other tasks”, “boring”).

A good name for this attitude was chosen by psychotherapist Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She called the habit of ignoring her needs in adulthood “internal orphanhood.” Here is what she writes: “In most cases, the cause of such an attitude towards oneself is not some, say, deeply rooted masochism, or a pernicious tendency to self-destruction, or anything else from this series. Most often, the fact is that people do not know how to behave differently. This is inner orphanhood.

The good news is that our habits are changeable: you can learn how to support yourself, take care of yourself at any age.

Add new scenarios to your internal dialogue

• Develop empathic language. Voice your feelings, actively empathize with yourself: “I am hurting now”, “I feel disappointed”, “I am worried about the situation with …, this is normal”, “I need time to cope with this”. Voicing one’s own experiences gives emotional release and helps to quickly cope with difficult conditions.
• Come up with a kind word for yourself. One client shared how she talks kindly to herself during times of crisis: “When everything is bad, everything is upside down, I try to be gentle with myself. I say this: “Well, Kisun, we need to calm down, and then we will decide what to do.” These words make me feel better.” “Natasha”, “Sunny”, “Bunny” and other similar words set up a trusting relationship and form a feeling of intimacy.
• Ask yourself questions that clarify your condition and needs: “How do I feel?”, “What do I want now?”, “How can I help myself?”. By asking yourself these questions constantly, you form the habit of focusing on your psychophysical state.
• Praise yourself unconditionally: “you are great”, “you have abilities”, “you are good”, “beauty” … Words with a positive assessment can improve self-image and increase a person’s motivation. Please note that unconditional praise is a statement of any positive qualities that is not supported by evidence (this is how maternal praise differs from conditional paternal praise).
• Cheer yourself up. A variant of unconditional praise can also be words of encouragement: “everything will work out”, “everything is fine with you”, “I believe in you”, “you are stronger than you think”, helping a person to perk up in a difficult situation. This model of speech can also be called a magic mirror, which, “reflecting” the invisible forces and capabilities of a person, helps to believe in oneself.
• Use relaxing vocabulary. The archetype of the mother in the internal dialogue legalizes the rest: “it’s time to rest”, “I’m tired – it’s important to restore strength.” Turning to sensory vocabulary (“pleasant”, “soft”, “quiet”) and words with the meaning of feelings (“sad”, “fun”, “anxious”) will help relieve tension and concentrate on one’s own feelings and sensations.

It is important for each person to learn how to independently create a psychological rear: to be able to relax, relax in time and emotionally support themselves, take care of themselves. Only the parent archetype can provide this option.

Often the task of loving and caring for oneself seems difficult and even unrealistic. If you, too, periodically catch yourself thinking like this, remind yourself in moments of despair: everything in our life, including good relationships, begins with a word. Choose consciously the words for the closest person, and the positive effect will not be long in coming.