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Realize your fantasies, share your secret desires and act them out with your partner… In love, all roles and plots are possible. But this performance requires tact.
“I love surprises for my husband — it turns us both on,” says 34-year-old Tatiana. “Last summer we went to clean up the house we inherited from our grandfather. Oleg planed boards in the workshop. I pulled my overalls right over my naked body and went to help him. The bare-chested husband wielded a planer and looked so sexy! I stood in front of him and began to unzip my zipper. At first he was dumbfounded with surprise – and then knocked me over right on the hardened ground! As I see this picture now: heat, dust, our bodies are shiny with sweat … and we have sex, like two wild animals. Such love games for this couple are not uncommon. Tatyana easily improvises, referring to her imagination. And he does not look for ready-made samples that are offered by countless films, clips, advertisements … But not all of us have such inner freedom. Moreover, we are fettered by stereotypes of sexuality, constantly planted by television, Internet sites, and cinema. We involuntarily compare our intimate experience with those behaviors that are presented to us from the screen or on glossy pages … and begin to imitate fictional ideal heroes. But who said that celluloid archetypes are “mandatory”? Do they take into account our uniqueness, the peculiarities of our own deep desires? “There is only one rule in sex,” argued sexologist Igor Kon, “do only what you want, and not what others tell you, no matter how authoritative they may be.”
Everything is possible
Nothing prevents us from resisting standardization. How? Coming up with your own scenarios, like Tatyana. Making your own cinema. After all, in love, everything is possible. Change gender, age, biography … “Let’s imagine that we …” Like children who invent stories for themselves that they firmly believe in, adults can also try many roles to bring a playful beginning to their intimate life. Erotic cinema invented by us allows you to admit to yourself and your partner in the most secret fantasies, which we would never dare to say directly …
Read more:
- For love or just like that?
- “We live under the pressure of the norm”
- Memory of childhood delights
Get away from the routine
At the same time, it is also a way to act in a new way, to arrange surprises for yourself and thus revive again the desires that are dying out in everyday monotony. “Imagination stimulates desire, helps to create sensual tension, to feel the need to explore these new territories together,” says psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. – The best way to freshen up a relationship in a couple is to talk about your fantasies. In order to feel the power of attraction, in order to desire, we need to feel again the childish recklessness, passion for the game, not be afraid to fantasize and invent!
40-year-old Igor came up with a game that his wife willingly supported. On a full moon evening, he sends her an e-mail in this style: “Tonight, my love, only I decide everything. Light a candle, open a bottle of champagne, blindfold your eyes with a handkerchief and wait for me … ”If the wife agrees, she will not answer anything. They have such a rule: having received a message, they do not discuss the proposal, they simply proceed to action. Next time it will be her turn to offer the script. Some characters of these games are periodically repeated: a stranger / a stranger, a prostitute, a rapist, a lingerie seller, a gynecologist. “The characters we portray, or the chosen topic, is not the most important thing,” says Igor. — It is important how we imagine the stories themselves. We draw on our dreams and our memories. In our couple, each creates a whole universe based on his personality. This is the whole difference between borrowed fantasies and “piece” ones, invented and staged at home.
follow desires
Desires that are not bound by stereotypes allow us to discover such facets in ourselves and in a partner that we did not suspect or refused to see. 32-year-old Leah was unexpectedly convinced of this: “Once, for the sake of fun, I began to dress my friend in my clothes. And I got great pleasure from it. At first, he protested: “What, me in women’s rags? Who do you take me for! But I saw that it turned him on, and I insisted that he put on a bra and a frilly dress. Our excitement grew. I told him: “Show me how beautiful you are!” – and he suddenly … beamed! It was a very emotional moment – and overwhelming. I think that we both discovered our inherent bisexuality that day … “
ONE DESCRIPTION OF OWN IMAGINATED ROLE DURING SEX IS OFTEN SUFFICIENTLY ENOUGH.
For other couples, the dramatization of fantasies has a different meaning, rather a psychotherapeutic one. This happened to 37-year-old Alexei, who for a long time secretly dreamed of trying a threesome. One day he plucked up the courage and confessed to his girlfriend that he wanted to make love to her in the company of another man. “To my great relief, she did not mind … But before I carried out this idea, I tried with the help of a psychotherapist to figure out why I had such a fantasy. There were many reasons. I grew up without a father, and therefore a positive male image was not fixed in my mind, I perceived any man with hostility, as a rival. In addition, I needed to deal with my unmotivated jealousy. After all, it was enough for Lena to throw a “hello!” to some man, as I already imagined them together in bed. The realization of fantasy would allow me to destroy this frightening image, to deprive it of mystery.
Deciding to realize his old fantasy, Alexei carefully planned everything, not relying on chance. “As soon as I received consent – and Lena admitted that this idea excites her – we once again weighed all the pros and cons. Then they began to look for a partner on the Internet. Almost two weeks were negotiating with him. We finally set a date for our date. On the appointed day, my heart jumped out of my chest with fear and excitement. Everything went almost exactly as I imagined. We both have strong memories of that day.” Is it necessary, like Tatyana or Alexei, to realize your fantasies, both the simplest and the most complex? “The most important thing here is to be guided by your desire,” explains Svetlana Fedorova. – Therefore, it is better to ask yourself another question: “Do I really want to realize my fantasies?” And, in answering, forget about what is considered acceptable and what is unacceptable. According to sexologist Sylvain Mimoun, sorting out your secret dreams will be easier if you go through several stages: “The first important step is to move from a “personal fantasy” that exists only in our heads to sharing fantasies with our partner. This is followed by what might be called “voiced fantasies”: while making love, the couple act out situations in dialogue involving imaginary characters. Finally, the next step is to actually get others involved in the game. But the third stage is not always reached. It often happens that one of the partners gets scared and blocks the implementation of the invented scenario. However, this will not necessarily disappoint the second: for many of us, fantasy is also abundant.
Step into reality
The love game can be limited to the mutual exchange of scenarios: one description of one’s imaginary role during sex is often quite enough. For those who intend to go further, psychologists urge caution: such a step is fraught with surprises. So, it happens that men, at first very enterprising, after stepping over the threshold of a swing club, feel depressed. They no longer have sex. And there is a risk that this disorder will continue beyond the walls of the club. “Sexuality is fragile, vulnerable and requires a delicate attitude from us,” warns Svetlana Fedorova. – Our most intimate feelings and fantasies are connected with it. That is why it is worthwhile to start experimenting, add spice or variety, carefully, slowly, talking about your feelings, desires, focusing on small joys that cannot offend or hurt a partner.
Sex-fiction
“We were in a small room, which I did not see then; I noticed only a wide sofa, over which a wall lamp with a small blue lampshade was burning, a table, an ashtray and a telephone on the table. She sat down on the sofa, I stopped in front of her for a second, and she managed to say: “Well, now …”
Through the turbulent sensual haze, I finally saw her body with tense muscles under the shiny skin of her hands. She lay on her back with her hands behind her head, without the slightest sign of bashfulness, and looked into my face with incomprehensibly calm eyes, it seemed to me almost unbelievable. Even later, when I experienced – and this was the first time in my life – an inexplicable combination of a purely spiritual feeling with a physical sensation flooding my entire consciousness and everything, absolutely everything, even the most distant muscles of my body, and when she said with a completely unsuitable , it would seem, here with a slow intonation: you are hurting me, – in which there was neither complaint nor protest, and after a while, when she trembled with spasmodic trembling, her eyes were still the same, almost deadly, calm. Only at the very last second did they suddenly seem distant to me, like some of the sounds of her voice. She was not – at least in relation to me – a wonderful lover, she had slow physical reactions, and the last seconds of the hug often made her feel some kind of internal pain – and then her eyes closed and her face made an involuntary grimace. But her difference from other women consisted in the fact that she caused an extreme and debilitating strain of all forces, both mental and physical, and in a vague feeling that closeness with her required some kind of irrevocably destructive effort, the infallibility of this foreboding consisted , I think, its irresistible attraction.
Gaito Gazdanov “Ghost of Alexander Wolf”
ABC-classic, 2009