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Many of us have a hard time feeling lonely. It differs from comfortable solitude and can have a destructive effect on the psyche. Psychologist Karin Hall tells what steps you can take to change both your condition and the situation itself.
It seems that loneliness is stigmatized. Many of us would rather admit to being depressed than to being lonely. The reason for this is the fear of being judged. We are afraid to look strange or losers and therefore do not talk about feeling abandoned or excluded from society.
Lack of freedom in discussing this topic only exacerbates the problem and how we perceive it. If we judge ourselves for being alone, it is even more difficult to take steps to change the situation. Then we start beating ourselves up for not doing anything.
The same unpleasant feeling that we experienced when they did not want to take us to the school team, it seems, remains with us into adulthood. Only the reasons and situations change. We often think that if I have no friends, then something is wrong with me. The media often labels front-page killers as loners, and this only reinforces the fear of condemnation.
In fact, this feeling is not directly related to the number of friends. This is an inner experience. It is experienced by those who really do not communicate much, and those who are surrounded by people.
Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Solitude means being alone by choice, willing to be alone, and feeling comfortable in that state. Loneliness involves discomfort and a desire to feel connected to others.
Everyone has their own loneliness
Even an active life and the presence of acquaintances do not save many of us from loneliness. Hundreds or even thousands of “friends” on social networks do not guarantee that there is someone with whom you can watch a movie or have a cup of coffee together. One of the most poignant experiences can happen when we are surrounded by a crowd of strangers, or even in the company of a partner or friend with whom we have lost intimacy.
If we don’t have a romantic relationship or someone to vacation with, we feel lonely. And if we feel loss or spiritual emptiness, too. To experience this state means not to be in important relationships with others, with the world, with life itself.
Three faces of loneliness
Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John Cacioppo and William Patrick identifies three factors that describe this condition.
Each of us has a basic need to be included in society, and the personal level of this need is individual. Finding a satisfying socialization format can be difficult.
2. Ability to self-regulate emotions
It means how you deal with feelings not only outwardly, but also deep down inside. We all get frustrated when our communication needs are not met. With prolonged loneliness, sadness turns into chronic sadness. The pain that we experience at the same time directly depends on how capable we are of emotional self-regulation.
Constant discouragement can deprive us of the ability to correctly assess the intentions of other people. We may think that we are being rejected, even though we are not.
Learning to accept and deal with our feelings without blaming ourselves or others, and finding ways to solve the problem, will help reduce the harm that loneliness does to us.
3. Expectations and ideas about other people and their actions
Being alone doesn’t mean we don’t have normal socialization skills. But the feeling of loneliness causes the inability or unwillingness to use them. It seems to us that we are doing everything possible to strike up friendships and feel belonging to society, but we do not receive a response.
This causes frustration, and over time, it affects our mood when interacting with people. We come to negative conclusions, we judge others if we are faced with criticism. And when anger and resentment arise, we push others away more and more.
Sometimes lonely people experience difficulties in communication because they consider themselves inadequate or insignificant. Shame for ourselves—for who we are—prevents connection with others.
Emotional instability can lead to loss of a sense of security. Seems like danger is everywhere
Those who have been single for a long time may experience fear for various reasons. The fear of intrusion leads to closeness and an inability to show one’s true self. But if no one knows what we are, then how do we get rid of loneliness? Even body language — an insecure posture and an unfriendly facial expression — can turn others off without us even realizing it. Desperate for closeness, we shout to the world, «Stay away!»
Emotional instability can lead to loss of a sense of security. It seems that danger is everywhere. In this state, it is difficult to adequately perceive other people and their actions.
Everybody gets lonely from time to time
It seems to lonely people that this is an abnormal state, that their situation and experiences are unique. However, almost everyone experiences this feeling at least sometimes, for example, after graduation from school or when moving to a new city. We are social beings, so this temporary feeling is part of life. It’s amazing, but we value love, intimacy, and social connections as sources of happiness more than wealth or fame.
Only 22% of people have never experienced this condition. One in ten respondents feel it often. Notice how many famous songs about loneliness and books about how to deal with it. This means that this problem is universal. But, plunging into our own suffering, we rarely notice those who find themselves in a similar situation. Our attention is riveted to those to whom life has given what we so passionately desire.
Those who, as a result of the suggestion, believed that they were lonely, showed the same traits as those who actually were.
In a recent study, researchers compared two groups: the first included students who felt strongly connected to other people, and the second, those who had a high rate of loneliness. Members of the second group were characterized by shyness, anxiety, hostility, pessimism, fear of negative evaluation, depression and other characteristics.
At the next stage, the subjects were hypnotized: some were told that they were lonely, others that they were highly socialized. Those who, as a result of the suggestion, believed that they were lonely showed the same traits as those who were so in reality.
What are the benefits of being alone?
If physical pain protects our body from destruction, then loneliness as “social” pain can protect us from the danger of isolation. It encourages us to change our behavior and pay more attention to relationships that are essential for survival.
The idea that loneliness is a kind of «social pain» has been supported by fMRI studies. When we experience rejection, the same area of the brain is activated as when we experience physical pain. Loneliness is a deeply destructive and painful condition that can become chronic. When this happens, we can no longer get close to people and change the situation.
Stop judging yourself
What to do? First of all, you should stop judging yourself for this state: self-blame is ineffective and wrong. It’s completely normal to experience this feeling in the absence of a meaningful relationship.
There can be many reasons for this situation. In today’s mobile and busy society, the task of building relationships has become more difficult. Accepting our loneliness as a normal state can help us direct our energy towards solving the problem.
Even if we know how to communicate, the task of “going out to people” sometimes seems insurmountable. Loneliness does not necessarily mean poor socialization skills. It can lead to depression and a desire to isolate from everyone.
Loneliness from childhood is strongly associated with adult loneliness, it could cause special sensitivity to such a state.
A feeling of deep loneliness can visit us for many years. Some researchers believe that its roots are in the experience of a lack of love in early childhood. Physical features or mental disorders that have caused discrimination and exclusion are also often accompanied by it.
This feeling can appear after problems at school, perhaps even bullying. It is also born in situations where the child has no one to dine with or play on the playground. A mismatch of interests also leads to it — for example, a passion for sports, when the whole environment is concerned only with computer games.
Someone could survive in childhood parting with the only friend due to a move or a quarrel. That loneliness from childhood, apparently, is strongly associated with the loneliness of an adult, it could cause a special sensitivity to such a state.
You can find many tips on how to socialize and come to a sense of satisfaction. And the first and main thing is to accept your loneliness without judgment.
Written by Karin Hall, psychotherapist, author of Emotionally Sensitive People. How to find peace when emotions overwhelm.