Accept your body

Many of us have an ideal of how we should look. This ideal does not take into account age, genetically incorporated forms of the body and the changes that occur to us in the process of life. Some people think that in order to love your body, you need to change it. Even if we assume that these changes are possible, our appearance cannot be static – it changes with time. Maybe instead of the endless and exhausting pursuit of the ideal, we should just understand what is happening to us and change our attitude towards ourselves?

How do we feel the body

How do we start to think about how we look? The key to this can be found at the very beginning of our personal history. Children begin to feel themselves and their value through numerous repetitive actions: the way they are looked at, held, fed. “The first mirror in which we see our reflection is the eyes of the mother,” explains body psychotherapist Marina Baskakova. – If there is an assessment in her gaze, the child always feels it.

In addition, we consider a critical look at a child to be normal: we pay a lot of attention to what he lacks, and not to what is good in him – based on the false educational idea that if we focus on the positive aspects of his personality, the child will be spoiled. As a result, it turns out that we have so little positive self-perception. That is why it is so important for so many of us to please others.

When a person tries to please others, he is detached from the sensations of his body, asking himself “What am I for another?”, He relies on an external assessment. In contrast, the question “What am I to myself?” always implies a sense of self: for example, if the stomach makes it difficult to bend over, we understand that it would be nice to pull it up.

How do we see our body?

How do we feel when we see ourselves in the mirror? For many of us, ideas about our own appearance come into conflict with reality. Here is how 32-year-old Elena tells about it: “It’s as if there are two different people. One person is what I am inside, the other is what I see in the mirror. When I suddenly see my reflection in a shop window or in a window, I think: “That’s not me.” The reflection is so different from how I imagine myself in my thoughts that sometimes I just experience shock.

“The fact is that our body is invisible to us, we usually feel it from the inside,” comments Marina Baskakova. A mirror is a special tool that allows us to see ourselves through the eyes of another. It’s as if we have stepped out of our own body and are looking at ourselves from the outside.” Looking at ourselves through the eyes of another, we critically evaluate what we see, habitually focusing on our own shortcomings and, as a rule, not attaching importance to the merits. Why is it so difficult for many to see and accept themselves as they are?

High standards of beauty

One of the reasons for this is in modern society: we live in a world where the cult of standardized beauty reigns. In a week, we see about 3000 advertising images in which the appearance (especially female) is improved to perfection with the help of digital technology and computer tricks.

As top model Claudia Schiffer said in an interview: “Even I don’t look like Claudia Schiffer.” There is no need to strive for an ideal body, because it simply does not exist. “All commerce is built on separating a person as much as possible from his sense of self and directing his attention to how he is perceived by other people,” explains Marina Baskakova.

Beauty standards depend on the historical period, national characteristics, cultural context. These changes are natural and always have certain social prerequisites – historians and fashion analysts are studying these phenomena. On the one hand, world fashion, leading to the standardization of bodies, is an inevitable result of globalization, on the other hand, it is a powerful adaptogen that helps to adapt to rapid changes and facilitate communication between representatives of different cultures.

“Social and cultural standards require unification,” continues Marina Baskakova. – This is a natural process. What happens if we are all unique individuals? Such a community of uniques cannot be controlled, the society will lose its structure.”

The obligation to be beautiful

There is a common phrase: “Every woman can be beautiful.” But under the pressure of social standards, “can” gradually turns into “should”. And the idea that the body can be changed turns into the belief that it is necessary. If a woman does not do this, then it is wrong and even immoral.

“Such a woman’s dependence on external evaluation is rooted in the distant past, in her initial dependence on a man,” says Marina Baskakova. Physically weaker, the female becomes even more vulnerable when she is with a cub: their livelihood depends on the biologically more autonomous male.

Biological addiction has been replaced by social addiction. “A man is not so concerned about his body, because he has armor in the form of social attributes – status, career,” continues Marina Baskakova. “A woman is more vulnerable in everything that concerns the assessment of appearance, the desire to please for her is associated with the experience of her own value.”

The feeling “I’m not like that” (often rooted in the infantile past, in relationships with parents) she experiences as “the body is not like that.” As a result of this, there is a desire to change the body, the illusion that if it changes, then she herself will become more successful, happier, will receive recognition.

But not always as a result of “changes” (be it exercise, diet, plastic surgery) it is possible to come out of the vicious circle – to start liking yourself. Namely, this is the key to finding harmony in relationships with others, including men.

closer to the body

“As a biosocial being, man is constantly between structure and chaos. Waking up on an alarm clock, sticking to three meals a day – all this takes us away from our own feelings, awareness of the needs for food, sleep, etc., says Marina Baskakova. “Instead of trust in our feelings, there is trust in specialists who tell us what food is healthy, how much to eat, when to sleep. But the body, no matter how you cultivate it, no matter how you adjust it to the standards, each of us is unique.

There are many ways that can bring a person closer to knowing what it is, his unique body. Physical activity allows you to enjoy it: you can do gardening, swimming, roller skating, walking. This will give an alternative experience, new impressions. Then, instead of obsessing over the figure, we can acquire a surprisingly pleasant hobby that fills our life with genuine joy.

“To return to your body, to refocus attention from your assessments to your feelings, body-oriented therapy can help,” adds Marina Baskakova. The possibilities of the body are limited, but it is the body that opens up many ways for us to have fun – this is true for all of us, regardless of gender, age, weight and waist size.