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Parting, illness, the loss of a dear person … There are things in life that we cannot change, but which it is important for us to accept in order to overcome pain. How to get through this test?
“Lord, give us the humility to accept what cannot be changed. Give us the courage to change what needs to be changed. And give us wisdom to distinguish one from the other.” This quote is attributed to, among others, the German writer Friedrich Christoph Oetinger.
For some, such as members of Alcoholics Anonymous groups around the world, this saying has even taken on the status of an essential rule of life. But what is behind these words – “that which cannot be changed”? Unfulfilled hopes, lack of love, suffering, injustice, the fragility of our very life – sooner or later each of us faces this, and it is useless to run away from it. Only a clear understanding of what is happening and a correct attitude towards it will help us pass these tests and learn life lessons from them.
By refusing to resist the inevitable, we get a chance to discover new possibilities. Five experts talk about what can become a support for us.
“Things don’t always work out the way we expected”
Why do we suffer. The interview ended unsuccessfully, someone else got a new appointment, it still doesn’t work out to have a child … The feeling that one’s own life is slipping out of one’s hands gives rise to a feeling of deep anxiety. This is especially noticeable in our culture, where the concept of success in life is practically devoid of a spiritual component and is often measured only by well-being.
Jungian psychoanalysis sees the cause of this suffering in the fact that we are not aware of the connection between ourselves and the world. And therefore we are doubly bitter: to the confusion that our plans are violated, the feeling is added that we have been abandoned alone. This feeling of powerlessness resurrects in the soul of the confused child that we once were and who does not understand why he was denied something. The more often we experienced this lonely feeling in childhood, the more difficult it is for us to accept all those “no” that life sometimes tells us. On the contrary, if we agree that our very existence is subject to the laws of the universe, we will thereby subdue our own – so human – desire for omnipotence.
By understanding what our unfulfilled expectations are, we can think about how to realize them in other ways.
How to take it. Asking ourselves if this event happened only due to external causes, or whether it was influenced by our not quite reasonable choices and wrong decisions. Such introspection will help you to become the actor of your own life again and look more confidently into the future. You can also think about what exactly we are missing. Our plans were frustrated, and this deprived us of the pleasure of carrying them out.
But what kind of satisfaction were we expecting? Public recognition, emotional support, material wealth? By understanding what our unfulfilled expectations are, we can think about how to realize them in other ways. By exploring the connection between our actions, events, and opportunities, we become, as Jung believed, more open to life, learning to recognize its messages and happy coincidences that will help us make the right choice more often.
“Others do not always love us and are faithful to us”
Why do we suffer. We need love, to feel loved, so we feel that we are recognized, that we are very important to someone. But now the connections between people are less and less strong, and this gives rise to deep anxiety in the soul. When we don’t feel the loving gazes on us – relatives, spouse, friends, colleagues – we don’t feel like we are anymore.
We lack recognition, as if the meaning of life itself eludes us. We experience betrayal even more acutely – betrayal destroys the unspoken agreement between people: “I give my love and in return I receive an equivalent gift.” Violent violation of this contract undermines faith not only in another person, but also in ourselves: “What am I worth if I was betrayed so easily?”
How to take it. Infidelity in relationships – love, friendship, family – is different from the situation when, for external reasons, our loyalty or good feelings suffer, for example, layoffs at work. Relationships are always collaborative. They should be carefully studied to understand how we built them. What in them was the result of our action, what exactly and how much, insufficiently or in excess, we invested in them? What was expected from the other? Were you able to take care of your most important needs?
If necessary, a specialist can help carry out this work. But how to find love again? Even if now we do not see it next to us, it exists within us. You can feel it by asking yourself: what do I like, what resonates with me, awakens a keen interest in me? Finding an answer can take time, but when you find your favorite thing, people around you who love it just as dearly appear. And these will be really close people who love the same things as we do and will always be able to support us.
“Suffering is part of life”
Why do we suffer. A breakup, an accident, an illness… It is impossible to remember the moment when we experienced pain for the first time. Throughout life, it arises more than once, sometimes warning and protecting us, but very often causing us torment. They are aggravated by fear (“something is wrong with me”) and guilt: brought up in a Christian culture, we unconsciously associate pain with punishment for sins and look for an answer in our past.
The question “why me?” not that it is useless – sometimes it helps to rethink the events of our lives. But it is even more useful to reformulate it – “for what?”. And think not about the reasons, but about our goals and capabilities.
How to take it. Guilt suppresses, weakens us, stops us at the point where we are, prevents us from moving forward. If we ask “why?”, “What can I learn?”, then we experience pain as a test. Strong shocks sharpen the sense of life. We understand, or rather, we begin to feel that forces have a limit, and this prompts us to clarify goals, to separate the important from the secondary.
By allowing ourselves to experience anger to the fullest, we can face our aggression.
Much is being rethought at this time. But it is important to remember that pain is primarily a signal, and we can understand what information it carries, what this pain is talking about. Specialists such as a doctor or a psychotherapist can help with this. Information tames fears, helps to more realistically assess how dangerous the situation in which we find ourselves. It is also important to be aware of the secondary benefits we may derive from suffering pain. They are often difficult to recognize: it may be a desire to punish yourself for something or a reason to demand more attention and care from loved ones.
Sometimes those who are nearby annoy us: why do they feel good when we feel bad? Irritation is repressed anger. By allowing ourselves to experience it to its fullest (“This is not fair! Should I be in pain?”), we will let it come out in a scream or cry – and so we get the opportunity to meet our aggression. And she, in contrast to guilt and fear, is a powerful energy resource. For us, this is an opportunity to get in touch with our life force and use it to move forward.
“Everything comes to an end”
Why do we suffer. In nature, everything is cyclical: day and night, winter and summer alternate. Life is an eternal change, but who among us does not want to keep a happy moment! The inevitability of change leads to the thought of the inevitability of death – and it is unbearable for us. We know: children grow up, friends move away, the body grows old… And sometimes we try to fight the laws of being, maintaining the illusion of invariance: for example, with the help of rejuvenating agents or developing vigorous activity, so as not to be alone with ourselves…
We all deal with change differently. The more they upset us as children, the more we will be afraid of them as adults. Conversely, if from an early age we perceived them as an exciting part of life, it will be easier for us not only to accept the inevitability of change, but sometimes to strive for it.
How to take it. We can learn a lot from the body if we see in it a friend and adviser, and not a traitor who betrays weaknesses. Pay attention: inhalation and exhalation follow each other. You can try to hold your breath, but the longer we do not breathe, the more difficult it is to restore its rhythm later. The periods of sleep and wakefulness also follow each other. If we accept our natural needs, we establish a connection with our body and through it – with our nature. We begin to feel part of the whole, obeying the general rhythms.
Let us also think that we have the experience of numerous transitions from one state to another. We were conceived, passing to being from non-existence, then we came out of the mother’s womb into the light, said goodbye to childhood for the discoveries of youth, moved in time, leaving something behind and discovering something new ahead. Let’s try to understand: without completion there will be no continuation, without farewell – a new meeting.
Since life is organically inherent in cyclicity, then change is not a threat, but a natural condition for our existence. Death is terrifying in its unknown, but it remains a part of the life that continues today. And in this continuation, we can discover new opportunities and do something important.
“Life is not always fair”
Why do we suffer. Manifestations of injustice cruelly remind us that it is not enough to always behave well and correctly in order for life to be fair to us. Three reasons can cause this acute feeling.
First, the aversion to deprivation: Western culture prioritizes personal hedonistic happiness, and when desires are not fulfilled, we perceive this as a personal insult.
Secondly, we suffer because of what is really unfair: we feel bitter helplessness, not understanding the meaning of the test. Why did someone dear to me suddenly pass away? Why was I fired, because I invested so much in this job? Finally, our own (unwitting) injustice to others, loved ones or strangers, can hurt us. In this case, our ideals and moral values suffer – and therefore it is bad for us too.
The main thing is, first of all, to determine the emotions that injustice awakened in us.
How to take it. First of all, by replacing the word “accept” with “realize”. Then asking ourselves: Is what we perceive as injustice really unfair? Are we trying to get rid of responsibility with the help of this feeling? Losing a loved one is really painful and unfair. No psychologist can shorten the time of grief and anger, but he is able to help if the mental pain is unbearable.
In case of other injustice, in life or in relationships, let us ask ourselves: “What can I do that is fair, what I consider good?” This will allow you not to become isolated in bitterness or the desire for revenge. But the main thing is, first of all, to determine the emotions that injustice awakened in us. We often overlook the damage it does to self-esteem.
Paradoxically, the one who turned out to be a victim, instead of defending himself and asserting his right, sometimes feels guilty and ashamed – because he was not up to par and was treated badly. Therefore, injustice must always be called words, it must be worked with. And if we keep this suffering in ourselves, for our soul it will eventually become truly destructive.