Like all habits, good habits in children are developed through repetition with positive reinforcement, and usually 20 to 40 days is enough time. However, it is not uncommon for parents to remind their children daily of the need to brush their teeth and do exercises in the morning, children reluctantly do this every time, but good habits are not developed — for years!
The reason?
The reason is precisely that children do every time — reluctantly.
Let’s decipher: children do not just go to brush their teeth, but do it with a displeased face and internal (and even external) grumbling. They do exercises emphatically lazily and displeasedly … What kind of skill do they actually reproduce and strengthen every day? They daily strengthen the habit of dissatisfaction with brushing their teeth and morning exercises, they reinforce the reluctance to do this daily, day after day they form the habit of not wanting to do it.
What is the conclusion? Follow the format: HOW children go to brush their teeth and how they do exercises. How? Cheerfully and with pleasure! This is exactly what you need to follow!
In any case, it turns out that not only the content is important, but also the form. You have seated the child to do homework — in fact, in terms of content, he does them. But how? Sad and dissatisfied? This is not good, in such a design the lessons will not be done properly. With every hour of such preparation of lessons, the child will learn not so much the knowledge of the Russian language or history, but the fact that the lessons are melancholy and suck …
If you do exercises in the morning for a month in a row, a habit arises to do exercises in the morning. But if you do morning exercises for a month in a row, accompanying this with dreary comments and an unhappy expression on your face, a habit of morning longing and hatred of exercise arises. That is why the army for recruits begins with a format: with learning how to stand, walk and talk: stand without antics, walk collected, talk to the point.
So again:
Do nothing reluctantly, do everything only cheerfully and with pleasure.
And this is not difficult to achieve: they saw the sour muzzle of the child and his unfortunately lowered shoulders — tell him to correct it. Elementary? Will you?
In this regard, I want to tell you a story, a very important story. Perhaps it was from this story that my views on what education should be like and what is most important in it began to change.
So, it was in the village, my son Shura finished the 2nd grade, and at school they said that he was rather weak in mathematics. I decided to work with him. I say: «Shura, no fishing and parties, bring a briefcase here, we will study.» Shura objected, but to no avail, after which he wandered after the briefcase, dragging it. I stop: “No, Shura, you don’t carry a briefcase like that. Take it back and bring it back properly. Go at least ten times. Until you bring the briefcase normally, we won’t sit down to study, and you won’t go for a walk. ” Shura got depressed, but soon realized that there were no options, and for some time in a row he brought the briefcase already as it should: calmly, cheerfully and cheerfully, like a young pioneer. The next step is not to throw the briefcase on the table, but to carefully place it. Wrestled — and worked it out. He thought that was all, took out a notebook, casually threw it on the table, but even here he met with a rebuff: “No, Shura, don’t throw it away, but put it down. And the right corner is higher than the left. Well, I corrected the notebook, after which I sat down, resting on my elbows, like tired. I corrected that as well: “No, Shur, that’s not how we do our homework. We sit down, hold the back, shoulders, arms correctly.
Thus began the struggle for the format: Shura defended his right to do the lessons the way he wanted, and I calmly insisted that it would not be as he wants, but as it should be.
It is clear that Shura, like a normal child, was looking in every possible way for an opportunity to portray how hard and bad it is for him when he is so driven by a nasty parent. But I stood adamantly: “Shura, there will be no lessons for you if you remain in this format. In the beginning, you will have a normal back and a normal face.”
Shura straightened his face and back, sat up normally, but when I began to ask him problems, he whined again: “Dad, I don’t understand anything about this math!” My answer sounded already confident: “Shura, you mixed it up. Learn the text: “I am smart. I’m stronger than math, I can handle math. My father is next to me, he will help me. Several skirmishes, and soon Shura was repeating this text after me: “I am smart, I can handle mathematics, I am stronger than mathematics!”
It was a struggle of wills. He was looking for every opportunity to express his protest and his feelings, but I forbade him his protests and all his feelings, when he showed with his whole appearance that all this study had fed him and tired him. The next thing was his handwriting. Yes, his handwriting was not perfect even before that, but then Shura began to write in completely dissatisfied crooked letters. What to do with handwriting? I objected to this: “Shura, you write as if you are exhausted by life. You must have forgotten how letters are written. Let’s leave mathematics with you and learn to write the elements of letters. We write a line of circles and a line of sticks. If you write ugly, we will return to the first grade.” Shura wrote a few lines, then said: «Dad, I remembered how to write normally.»
You understand, the first day was difficult. It was the day the format was set, and we set it. It was a victory! After that hard day, everything went smoothly. Now Shura always had a wonderful mood, which was created by the fact that I reminded him of this and made sure that he did everything cheerfully and did not spoil his mood. It was a new era!
Curious: we practiced so superbly that in one month Shura successfully repeated the whole of last year and half of the next. This, by the way, created problems: the next year, in the third grade, the mathematics teacher complained about Shura, because he solved all the problems perfectly in her lessons, but frankly bored …
Today, when I write these lines, Shura is already 28 years old. I wanted to clarify the details of this story with him, but it turned out that he remembers almost nothing and generally doubts that it was … It’s good that my mother remembered more, and by common efforts we restored the main points. It is curious that a couple of years ago I asked Shura what he thought about his childhood and how we raised him. Shura thought about it and said something very unexpected for me. He said: «You could be stricter!»
Yes, he’s right. Vanya and Shura were my first children, I was just mastering this science of parenthood and at that time I was a supporter of a rather free upbringing. As a graduate of the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, I was in awe of the views of Carl Rogers, believed in an unconditionally positive beginning in every person, and was convinced that my main task, as a parent, is to create an environment of understanding and support for the child, in which he will freely develop and fulfill their own choices.
Today I don’t think so. Having raised five children — wonderful children! — I changed my views on education. And it was that summer, when I spent my summer days studying with Shura, that laid the foundations for my new views.
Yes, I have since realized the power of the format. I realized how important it is not to let children make all these crooked faces with which they show you what kind of tormentors you are. Parents, do not be afraid of the “repressed emotions” that would-be psychologists scare you with, and make sure that your child does not get used to behaving like an unhappy creature. The pattern of behavior, repeated, becomes a habit, the habit turns into a character, and the character builds a destiny.
What fate will we give our children?
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.