Brief report of one consultation.
Inquiry: “We have been dating for 2 years, we cannot live together yet. Are planning. He says he loves me very much. And not only speaks, he instantly responds to all my requests. Me too. We have a very good and, as it seemed to me, sincere close relationship. Now I found out that he has a relationship with another girl. He went on a business trip, and I found out that she went there to him. I was shocked. Why? After all, we are fine. He always shows that he is fine with me. And I love him very much, there is always a lot of tenderness between us. Like doves… And suddenly this…
I feel very, very bad. I do not know what to do. I could hardly resist sobbing calls or angry sms back to him. I barely resisted an even more stupid desire to call or write to that girl (I have her phone number). I feel so bad that I want to howl. And he, as always, sends SMS — in the morning, afternoon, evening, how is he doing there, that he kisses and misses. I don’t understand anything, I don’t know what to do with this knowledge about him, about his other relationships? I’m glad that I can come to you, ask — why is that? why on the background of warm relations is this? How can you say — that I love more than life, I want to make you happy … And do so?
I do not know what to do…»
There were many tears, grief too. I listened carefully to everything. Gently supported the girl. She told her many different warm words, emphasized that — you can love her very, very much, etc ….
When she calmed down a little, I praised and admired her endurance — her desire to solve the situation not instantly, not under the influence of feelings, but through her head.
We moved on to her main question: Does he love me? (under which a simple female request was hidden: I really want him to love me faithfully, and a request was added to this desire — teach me how to do this).
(… well, yes … let’s believe that I «know» how to do it … because I’m older! Yes, and it’s true, I’m older and already know a lot — and I have known for a long time … because I also asked my questions to people, whom I believed: I also sincerely believed once that my grandmother KNOWS how to do it. And her advice, her life philosophy, a person with three classes of TSPSH (this is literally) never let me down. She has been gone for a very long time, but I do and do everything, as she taught me …)
I asked the girl — what does it mean, from her point of view, to love? And then — what does it mean to love, from the point of view of her boyfriend?
And here a small hitch arose: When she told, as if from the words of a guy, I asked her — did she ask the guy? And she agreed — what kind of “love” would they have for both of them?
Not in order to give up something important in their understanding, but so that everyone can simply know well what is important to another. And he could do it for someone else. If ready.
Because in this discussion you need to be prepared for the fact that someone will not want to give up something, and therefore, when asking direct questions, you must wait for unambiguous answers. Which, not always, may be what you expect.
And now the question for you is — are you ready to do this: to carefully discuss everything and carefully negotiate with your boyfriend about how you would like to receive and give your love to each other?
Let’s consider the situation: you love him very much, he also loves you very much. He is very gentle with you, he does a lot for you. And you are ready for him, almost give your life. Only he looks at his freedom a little differently. And you don’t believe that with a different view of freedom, relationships with other women, you can love at all. You do not believe — that «so» he loves you.
What will you do — with such a loved one?
………?????????
Again, a long long conversation about the fact that — yes, she has every right to her idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXblove, and she can receive in her life exactly the love that she believes in, which pleases.
How? Firstly, you need to be a value in the eyes of a man, work for this value (the qualities of an elite woman) all your life, and also be able to know and not merge your own life values.
Yes, you need to have the strength to defend your values: to speak about them out loud and look for that person who will be ready to respect these values.
— Have you ever talked about this (about your idea of love and the desire to receive it in the form of obligatory fidelity) with your man? Have you tried to explain all this to him in terms of importance for you and, in general, in terms of importance for those human relationships that are created on a different moral level — on a different level of intimacy, mutual understanding and support, and which you want to create in your life? Did you put in effort, help your man move to this other level of understanding of the world? Did you do anything for this? Have you thought about how to help him make the commitment of a Man? Have you ever discussed this: the obligations of a Man and a Woman?
— … I didn’t think about it at all, everything should have happened somehow by itself. And we must protect it — our love. Yes, I didn’t help in what I could, as a woman help … to see deeper … to understand differently … yes, you are right about the woman-keeper … she protects a man … and from small deeds in his life too. That’s what’s important. Thank you for talking about it. Yes, men need deterrent guidelines. Yes, I have heard more than once that a person is weak, that he needs not only a guiding star, but also a fence. Someone builds a fence for himself, someone needs help.
— Yes, yes … you understood everything correctly and noted that we must help our men. And very often it is necessary to help in this — in the choice of moral guidelines. This is a woman’s duty and right, if she has earned this right, primarily by her work on herself.
We thought over her conversation with her boyfriend. In a conversation, she will calmly tell him about how hard it was for her to find out, how bitterly she experienced, how simply the temperature really jumped under 40 …
She will say this without reproach: simply, as a fact, a description of what happened, how it happened with her well-being … Yes, emphasizing with this story its great value for herself. Yes — it is important, yes — it is valuable. And she is not shy to tell him about it. This is also important in their relationship — their value to each other and the calm recognition of each other in this.
But! He calmly adds that for me there is something very important in life — loyalty in a relationship. She will tell him that when she found out about the existence of another girl, she was surprised to understand that they never agreed on loyalty, did not make any direct specific promises (sharing responsibility for what happened to her young man; this also works to strengthen relations). And she would like to discuss — will there be fidelity in their relationship and are they ready to make a promise of fidelity to each other?
We also talked — what will she do if the guy is not ready for exclusivity in a relationship? Is she ready to leave the relationship then? Whether he will endure the break steadfastly and to the end. If not, then it’s not worth the conversation. The conversation will be empty.
And if she wants some changes, then if she is not ready to leave where she feels bad, she needs not to talk (not beg and cry) with a young man, but for now — herself, her development, her persistent ability to pay for her desires, even, perhaps, great difficulties in today, which she, by her decision, is ready to go through for the sake of tomorrow.
If — yes, she is ready, if positions do not match, to leave the relationship, then you can talk.
The girl decided to talk. I could see from her that she was ready for this serious conversation.
After she gently, without unnecessary reproaches, tells him about her feelings, while in the process she takes part of the responsibility for what happened to herself, she will also tell how, from her point of view, this can be avoided in their future, she she will tell the man her decision, namely, that they will completely interrupt their relationship for a month (so that she can come to her senses — this is the official version for a man). There will be no contact during this period. A full resumption of their relationship will only begin with a serious conversation.
The girl should remember this well — nothing is chattering, nothing is slowing down, in kisses and in bed in the process of a passionate truce — this will not happen, there will be a calm conversation and a specific date will be outlined for their future conversation. For which a man should still be ready, no spontaneous (most often empty) «obligations» under the influence of the suffering eyes of his beloved and no one knows where the sexual desire came from. And for this, for his conscious decision, he is given a month. He has the right to do this — without pressure, without manipulation, in a balanced, calm way to make his decision.
Their future conversation will take place if the man wants to have this conversation. Nobody is forcing anything. Wants to call.
In the meantime, they put him out the door (for now, he disappointed a little), but left the door ajar, he can enter it at will — once, in a month — for a serious conversation. Exactly one month later, the door will be closed for good.
If he decides that he is ready for this: to discuss and accept the rule of fidelity in their relationship, he can call her on their appointed day (by the way, they indicated not only the exact day, but also the exact time). They will meet and discuss everything. And when they come to a common decision on this issue, then they will be able to start building their lives in a new way, from this day: from the day of their obligations to each other, taken meaningfully and voluntarily.
Why else is this month needed? You have to pay for everything. This is a rule that every person should remember.
For his relationship on the side (the absence of which, after all, was implied by default), and which brought so much grief to his beloved, the young man must pay with the temporary absence of relations with the girl, even because while the relationship format suitable for both of them has not yet been developed, he still needs to think about it and understand it, he is ready to pay something, to sacrifice something in his life for the sake of something more important to him, and then — he must have a tangible opportunity to feel and appreciate the loss. Without this, in any way — a high price is paid only for what is expensive. Here let it be determined.
There is another rule: forgiveness is not only acceptance, which the girl did thoroughly, but it is also the inclusion of compensation for damage. The appointment of compensation is the transfer of part of the responsibility to the opposite party.
Monthly excommunication, if the guy loves the girl, if the absence of her is a loss for him, this is an adequate compensation that will help the girl “return her face” and which will help the young man understand his feelings more precisely and grow up personally. Quick forgiveness in some situations does not work well for relationships. A man needs to feel feminine strength in the ability to make strict feminine decisions. Respect for your woman is an important component of a strong relationship.
Yes, what girls are often not ready for and really want to avoid it, that this month is a test not only for a guy, but also for a girl. We also seriously discussed this with her — so that she does not grease, does not leak her decision (if he suddenly starts scratching at the door). I often quoted my grandmother: “Do not cry, dove, female pride, which is wisdom, and not burrows, if any, is a great help in women’s fate.”
Do you want a good husband? Happy family relationships? Be patient!
Then, they thought it over, picked up beautiful respectful wording — working to accurately suppress any premature calls of her young man.
Planned for her daily classes for this month — so that not a minute of free time! To one cheerfulness and joy! And no extra thoughts!
The young man we had was a flint, he didn’t make calls (my respect to him), exactly a month later he called to the minute ….
PS After such a shake-up, they started a new period of falling in love, against the background of which (when the girls do not turn off their heads and remember that they are the owners of the family) a new corporate culture was created and approved!
USEFUL BELIEFS that remained with the client, as a result of THIS CONSULTATION:
SMS and telephone conversations exist for declarations of love, and not for messaging each other. Or, God forbid, showdown.
Relationships should not be sorted out, but built.
Love is responsible behavior. And the morally stronger side shapes this behavior.