Source: R. Dreikurs, W. Soltz «Happiness of your child»
…Eight-year-old Charles had just finished writing a letter to his grandmother. The mother wanted to see him. He reluctantly pushed the letter away from him. “Oh, Charles, what terrible handwriting you have. And why can’t you write straight? In three words, you are wrong. Admire! Rewrite the letter. You can’t send such horror to your grandmother!” Mother corrected the errors in block letters, and Charles began to rewrite the letter. He made more mistakes, throwing away one sheet after another, until he finally burst into tears and threw the pen on the floor. «I’m not getting anything!» he shouted. «Enough! — commanded the mother. — Do something else for half an hour, and then you will take up the letter again.
When parents attach great importance to the mistakes of a small child, this sometimes leads to disastrous consequences. Charles wrote the letter with pleasure, despite errors and other shortcomings. Grandma would have been happy with it. And now he hated this letter and the difficulties that he endures because of it. When the mother focused her attention on grammatical errors, she thereby shifted Charles’s attention from good to bad. He became afraid to make mistakes. This fear so bound him that he made them even more. Then he completely lost heart. And that’s the worst. Constantly paying attention to mistakes, we discourage children. Nothing can be achieved by relying on their weakness. You need to rely primarily on the strengths of children.
If his mother had praised Charles for taking care of his grandmother, how good it would have been for him! By this she would have noted the merits of the letter, which would have made Charles very happy. He would like to continue to be caring. In addition, the mother could look for well-written letters and note: “I see that the letter “C” came out very beautifully here. You’re making progress». This would encourage Charles to try to write even better, since his mother supported his faith in his own strength. The main thing was that Charles wanted to talk to his grandmother. And the mother demanded too much from Charles at this time.
Parents spend a lot of time with their children, watching them, watching their actions. Some parents, noticing any violation, attack the child. If parents draw the attention of children more often to what they do well, then by this they express confidence in their abilities and provide them with support.
But, as a rule, parents live in fear that their children will grow up bad, that they will acquire bad habits, that they will form the wrong attitude about something, that they do a lot of things wrong. Mother and father, constantly watching the child, try to prevent all his mistakes. These parents are constantly correcting their children, giving them instructions all the time. In such an approach to children, distrust of them is manifested, which is humiliating for the child, discourages him from doing something. If attention is paid only to the bad, then where will the child get the strength to succeed?
Children who are constantly corrected develop a sense of their own weakness. This may discourage them from doing anything at all, as the child thinks that he will make a mistake. Such a feeling can dominate him with such force that he loses all ability to work. In such cases, he gets the impression of his imperfection, which can drive him to despair.
Even an adult sometimes does not assume that one or another action makes a mistake. And most often adults demand complete perfection from children. We must have courage and understand that children also make mistakes. Then they can develop, grow. Children need to maintain self-confidence in order to be more willing to learn. And parents should not exaggerate their mistakes. It is better to pay more attention to what they get. Such a statement of the question leads a person forward and awakens courage in him.
… Ten-year-old Margaret took a cookie out of the oven and, seeing that it was burnt, burst into tears. She has already cooked this recipe and it turned out well. Why did the cookies burn on that day? Mother, sensing the smell of burning, came to the kitchen. «What’s wrong, dear?» “I burned the cookies,” Marguerite sobbed. «Yes, I see. Let’s find out why this happened? I know you didn’t do it on purpose. Tears won’t help here. I understand that you are worried, but let’s find the reason. The girl, feeling relieved, stopped crying. Together with her mother, Margaret read the recipe again. They found that the girl had turned on the oven incorrectly. “Now I understand where my mistake is.” “Very well,” said the mother. «Let’s get out, and then try again.»
The mother turned an obvious setback into a situation from which her daughter can learn. She did not reprimand the child for the missing cookie, criticize for the mistake. Calmly, without emotion, she made Margaret understand that one should always try to find out the cause of failure. The support and sympathy of the mother helped the child to believe in himself again. Mistakes made by children are often the result of their inexperience or misjudgment of the situation. Usually they themselves are hard on the consequences of their failures.
…Simon’s father walked over to the workbench. Seeing the mess on it, he became very angry. There was a model aircraft lying there, and screwdrivers, pliers, a hammer, wrenches were scattered around. The surface of the workbench and all the tools were covered with a layer of silver paint. There was an empty can next to it. An angry father called his ten-year-old son. «Look what you’ve done! he exclaimed. When will you learn to be careful? What right have you to breed such dirt on a workbench? All my tools are in paint! Why did you do that? Answer now!» he shouted, and Simon was silent and listened to him in fear.
The boy could hardly hold back his tears. “Dad, I just wanted to paint my plane. I didn’t know that the sprayer splattered the paint so hard. I didn’t know how to deal with him,” the child began to whisper. «Why didn’t you tell me about it, why did you wait for me to discover it myself?» «I was afraid you’d be angry,» Simon said softly. “Yes, I was really angry. You realize that you did wrong. That’s why he got scared. For this, I will flog you!”
Father’s annoyance is understandable. But he did not understand from Simon’s voice how upset he was, did not see the indecision of the boy, who did not know what to do. As a result, Simon will be even more afraid of his father’s anger and is unlikely to ever turn to him for help. Whipping won’t reset the workbench or teach Simon how to use the sprayer. What could a father do?
First, he had to contain his anger, because Simon had splashed the paint by accident. One glance was enough to understand what had happened. Then the father could use this occasion to teach his son something. The fact that the boy tried to do without help suggests that he has enough courage. Suppose the father called Simon to the workbench: “I see you are in trouble. What happened?» Simon would answer in embarrassment, “You see, I wanted to paint my model. I didn’t think the paint would fly this far.» “Now you understand that a sprayer is not the same as a brush, right?” “Of course I understand,” Simon would have replied, relieved, sensing that his father was friendly. “Now do you know how to handle a sprayer?”
The boy would have thought: «Maybe we can cover everything around with paper.» “But what if you take a cardboard box, remove the lid from it and spray paint the plane right in the box?” Father suggested. “Yes, then the paint would not stain anything!” «Well, what about the tools on the workbench?» — «I do not know». — «And what would happen if they hung on the board, where they are supposed to hang?» «Then the paint wouldn’t have gotten on them,» Simon replied with a barely perceptible smile, taking the hint that everything needed to be put away. «What are you thinking about doing with the tools now?» “Perhaps we should clean them with turpentine.” — «Turpentine will not take dried paint, Simon.» — «But what about?» “I think the wooden handles will remain silver. But the metal parts need to be cleaned with sandpaper.” — «Ok, i will try». And then the child would willingly take up the work to correct the situation. They would remain friends with their father. The mistake would have taught Simon a lot.
… Jane’s mother was pouring spaghetti sauce. «Can I help?» Jane asked. “Right, I don’t know. You are so clumsy! Okay, come on. Try to bring it to the table, but don’t spill it. Be careful». The mother gave her daughter a full gravy bowl. Jane walked very slowly and with concentration. But suddenly she stumbled over the leg of a chair: the gravy boat tilted sharply, the sauce spilled onto the floor, on the dress, on the carpet. «Jane! What a clumsy girl you are! What happened to you? I just told you to be careful! Why can’t you do something right?»
Jane was trying so hard not to be «clumsy» and not spill the sauce that she bumped into a chair, and exactly what she feared happened. If Jane’s mother had shown Jane that she believed she could carry the sauce, the girl probably wouldn’t have tripped over the chair. And now she was even more convinced that she was clumsy, because failure proved it to her once again.
Of course, children make many mistakes and do many things wrong. Criticizing them all the time, parents can, unwittingly, turn random deviations from proper behavior into real and permanent shortcomings and even vices. For example, some small children sometimes stutter, but then this defect disappears if the family pretends not to notice it. But since some parents consider it their indispensable duty to prevent everything that is undesirable in a child, they constantly pay attention to stuttering, which exacerbates the defect in his speech. Such parents tend to lash out at the first manifestation of something «wrong» in his behavior. Instead of correcting the situation, they complicate it. Constantly criticizing children, these parents do not teach them anything. On the contrary, it only sometimes pushes the child to persist in his bad behavior.
In order to effectively influence the behavior of children, we advise you to be careful in assessing their actions. Is this a mistake? What is behind the wrong action? Self-doubt? Wrong decision? Lack of knowledge? Or is the child pursuing some hidden purpose? It is advisable to ask such and similar questions constantly in order to comprehend the behavior of your child.
However, children’s wrong actions may be the result of their wrong intentional purpose. Then this is not a mistake, but a fault.
… The mother and her five-year-old Sheila went to the park. The mother met a friend there and began to introduce her daughter. The girl clung to her mother, putting her finger in her mouth. “Sheila, don’t be shy,” the mother begged. Then, turning to a friend, she said: “I don’t know why she is so shy. It’s the only one in our family.» The girl hugged her mother even tighter. The friend leaned over and spoke to Sheila, trying to get an answer out of her. The girl continued to look at her sullenly, without a smile. When the woman stopped her attempts and spoke to her mother, Sheila stood silent for a second, and then suddenly began to pull her mother’s sleeve, demanding that she take her in her arms.
Since Sheila’s behavior is purposeful, it is useless to tell her not to be embarrassed. Paying attention to this deficiency (or incorrect installation) is to aggravate it. Sheila perceives herself as a «shy, quiet person.» It somehow sets her apart from the rest of the family. If you look closely at what her shyness leads to, you can see that Sheila, due to her shyness, has become the subject of everyone’s concern. People try their best to get a response from her, and she ends up in the spotlight as a result. (Sometimes it seems that shy children secretly laugh at the antics of adults.) Shyness pays off. Why would Sheila refuse her? Perhaps if Sheila could not evoke all these amusing reactions from adults with her behavior, then it would not make sense for her to be shy. Her mother might have introduced her to her friend with pride, but in a casual tone. And if the daughter answered the greeting, then the women would continue their conversation. Then Sheila would have remained unnoticed, unnoticed. In order for a child to get rid of this or that shortcoming, you need to understand what is the motivation of his behavior.
… Six-year-old Isabella had an eight-year-old brother Fred — a charming, cheerful and carefree boy. And Isabella loved to cry. Her parents scolded her for her tears, and Fred also called her a crybaby, teased her, in every possible way showing his contempt for her.
One day the family went to the pool. The children jumped out of the car and rushed forward. Isabella fell, scratched her knee slightly, and wept bitter tears. «She roars all the time!» Fred called out contemptuously, moving on towards the pool. “Isabella, this is a trifling scratch! my father said sternly. “Now stop crying and go to the pool.” “I’m in pain! Put something on her!» the girl sobbed, holding her knee. “Stop crying,” her father urged. “You didn’t get hurt enough to put something on your leg. Once you’re in the pool, you’ll forget about it.» «Don’t be a crybaby, Isabella,» added her mother irritably. «Let’s go swimming.» Isabella continued to cry and refused to move.
At this time, a beloved aunt appeared, joyfully greeted by the whole family. Isabella’s sobs intensified. Aunt Edith saw the girl, bent over her, asked what happened, and began to comfort her. The child continued to cry. In the end, the father could not stand it: “Edith, you can sit with her for a long time, console her, but she will not stop shedding tears. She so wants. She’s just a crybaby.» Everyone went to the pool, no longer noticing Isabella’s tears. Soon she calmed down and began to bathe with pleasure.
As a rule, parents sympathize with a crying child. His suffering touches them deeply. Isabella realized this very early and began to abuse it, which irritated the whole family very much. Still, whining gave her some advantages. Everyone paid attention to her, talked about her, scolded, fussed around her. Each time she was called a crybaby, she was strengthened in this opinion about herself. To help Isabella grow up and stop being a «crybaby», parents must first understand the purpose of her tears: to gain increased attention to themselves. Then we advise you to stop mentioning her tears, identifying her with them, and finally stop paying attention to them altogether. Once Isabella sees that crying does not attract the attention of others, she will probably decide to behave differently. And then parents should encourage the child’s desire to communicate with people around him.