“A woman should not sacrifice herself even for love”

Psychologies: What does female success look like and what does it consist of in terms of psychoanalysis?

Andrey Rossokhin: Success is always a moment of self-realization, when we feel narcissistically satisfied, fulfilled. It is easier for a woman, unlike a man, to realize herself narcissistically not in the social sphere, but in children.

Does this mean that the destiny of a woman is still motherhood?

Of course not. When a woman is realized socially, it is easier for her to feel like a truly accomplished person. But motherhood comes first.

In psychoanalysis, there is such a thing – “the envy of a woman to the penis.” In a metaphorical sense – as the equivalent of male power, strength. And in this sense, children become for a woman a symbolic substitute for the penis. Through children, she can narcissistically satisfy herself, feel complete.

Can a career woman be a good mother?

Let’s define what a “good enough mother” is. During pregnancy, mother and child are one. When he is born, there is a physical separation, but psychologically they are still one. During this period, the mother is completely absorbed by the child, this allows her to feel exactly what he wants on an irrational level.

But the child develops, learns to express his desires more clearly, and the need for such absorption decreases. And inside the woman, the feminine again takes her rights – she remembers that in addition to the child, there is also his father, there are her interests and work. This contributes to the psychological separation of mother and child.

A woman comes out of “maternal hypnosis”, thereby allowing the child to grow up and freeing herself time and space for self-realization. If the maternal continues to dominate to the detriment of the feminine and personal, this blocks the development of both the child and the mother.

Why can she suppress the desire for self-realization?

After a long break associated with the birth of a child, a woman may be afraid to return to an active position. And she finds an excuse in children, closes them from fear. Then she will say to the child: I sacrificed my career for you! This is not entirely true – rather, she was prevented by fear.

What generates such fear?

One of the reasons is the conflict between male and female within her. In each of us there are mental components of male and female, the so-called mental bisexuality. It arises from the fact that in childhood the child identifies himself with both mom and dad.

Let’s take an example: a girl has an active father and a passive housewife mother, her parents have a lot of conflict and eventually get divorced. The girl stays with her mother, but she is torn in two by her love for both parents. When she grows up, she strives for social fulfillment – unconsciously for her, this means getting a connection with her father within herself. But at the same time (again unconsciously) it means betraying the mother. In this case, for a woman, social self-realization can be very desirable – and equally forbidden.

And what unconscious mechanisms lie behind the desire of a woman to compete with men?

If this is a painful rivalry, then it speaks of some kind of narcissistic vulnerability from early childhood. The reasons may be different. Suppose a girl had a cruel father who offended her and her mother.

In the future, this may finally crush her activity, or, on the contrary, give rise to a desire to resist her father, men, compete with them – to have a “bigger penis”, that is, more strength, power, money than they have. She refuses the feminine in herself, because in her unconscious the feminine is the lot of the victim, and she chooses the masculine – power. But this identification is not positive.

Is a conflict-free coexistence of paternal and maternal images possible in a woman?

There are always internal conflicts. In a more favorable position is the woman whose father was able to convey to her an active life position, and from her mother she perceived that it is possible to remain a woman, while being active. Then she can realize herself socially and not feel that she is losing her femininity in doing so. However, a strong personality is capable of self-development, working through any internal conflicts.

What explains the fear of some people to overtake their husband in career growth?

There is such a stereotype in our culture: the father in the family should dominate. And, if his wife earns more, the man may feel threatened that his paternal authority begins to shift to the woman. This gives rise to an internal conflict in a man, he feels inferiority, irritation.

A passive man in this situation gives up. For the active, on the contrary, it serves as a stimulus for development. And the point is not that he began to earn a lot – the main thing is that a man should function as a strong personality, be creatively realized and, in this sense, be on the same level as his wife.

But sometimes a woman limits her professional growth in order to avoid a situation that threatens family well-being …

This is a sacrifice in favor of a man, a father, identification with a slavish mother in relation to a man within himself. But love does not mean that a woman should sacrifice herself. Both partners must develop. The one who sacrifices his development for the sake of love does not develop it, but kills it.