A teenager needs to designate his territory, explains psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya. But this does not mean that he should be given complete freedom at home. Even more, he needs to learn how to build relationships with loved ones and share responsibilities with them.
“My daughter is throwing her clothes all over the place. The son eats at home with friends, emptying the refrigerator and leaving mountains of dirty dishes. Do they imagine they live in a hotel? In fact, teenagers seize the territory, forgetting that it is also ours! You can dismiss the mess if your child has made it in his room, but parents should not make concessions when it comes to common areas: kitchen, living room, bathroom. It is quite possible to give the children an apartment for the evening or for the weekend, so that they invite friends, but on the condition that the house will then be brought into immaculate condition.
It is important that the teenager learns to contribute to the common life of the family: “I cook dinner, and you mop the floor.” For someone who has not been used to participating in household chores since childhood, in adulthood it is much more difficult to share responsibilities with a partner. The only way to teach this is to negotiate, not to set conditions. But since the rules are set by the parents, they also have to monitor their observance.
A teenager oscillates between two extremes: actively explore the space (heat up pizza, run the washing machine with his things) – and do … as little as possible. He is characterized by periods of “somnambulism”: he “hangs”, walks as if half asleep, does not comb his hair, can lie for hours listening to music. Quickly clean up after yourself? Well, here’s more! Of course, parents are terribly annoyed. But the state of the “sleeping beauty” for a teenager is quite understandable: this is a consequence of hormonal storms and the enormous inner work that he does in adolescence. This is not “wasted time”, but a state akin to the pupation of a caterpillar, which is necessary for a beautiful butterfly to appear. And yet the task of parents is to remind them of the rules, to demand, to thank, not to be offended. Adolescents do not tolerate being “educated”, but legal requirements are always ready to accept.
About it
- “On the Teenager’s Side” by Françoise Dolto (Rama Publishing, 2010).
- “Identity. Youth and Crisis” by Erik Erickson (Flinta, IPSI, Progress, 2006).
In the books of psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto and psychologist Eric Erickson, parents will find a deep and very detailed analysis of the problems of a growing teenager.
LYUDMILA PETRANOVSKAYA, author of the book “What to do if…” (Avanta+, 2010).