I have been trying to establish various formats for working with children for several years. Either stars for household chores, then the daily routine, then planning children’s goals. Taking the Format Distance exercise, I decided to focus on a positive communication format first. Previously, I did not systematically do this, although there is a need — negative emotions interfere with reasonable interaction with the child. Of course, I wanted to make it visual, so that all my children, from 3 to 8 years old, could understand what I was talking about.
First of all, I drew and hung this poster in the kitchen:
On the same day, the children noticed it and began to ask what it meant. I explained that the right side shows how to conduct Conversations in our family: with a smile, attention, joy, gratitude and a beautiful posture. On the left, what is forbidden in our family is shown: tears, cries of resentment, fights, frustrations. The lower left shows what happens if someone shows negative emotions: the conversation stops immediately, the child goes to the bathroom and sits there until he comes out with a normal face.
The older children laughed at the pictures, immediately grasping the essence of this drawing, clarified what exactly was not allowed, but what was still possible, and calmed down on this.
The youngest daughter was attentive to the poster and looked at it for a long time, pointing to each picture and clarifying its meaning. I had to retell for her the meaning of each element and the whole picture as a whole. By evening she forgot it and asked everything in a new way. So we talked with her for 4 days at least a dozen times. By the end of the week, she herself was telling me what the pictures mean, what can be done, what cannot be done, and what will happen if. The grandmother who came to visit was amazed by the logic of her granddaughter.
Therefore, I will note the first plus of this whole undertaking:
It should be noted that I have used removal to the bathroom before, but occasionally, so to speak, when I have the strength and time. Often there were situations when I let go of tears, screams, resentment, fights, frustrations (especially if I saw that there were easier ways to solve the problem, for example, to make a concession to the child).
From the moment I sat down and formulated (for myself first of all!) these simple rules, I began to calmly and consistently follow the positive format of our conversations. Doubts like “Maybe he’s crying now for a reason, maybe he has some good reason …” disappeared. I realized that in the vast majority of situations my children can calm down very quickly, no matter how upset they may seem. There are good reasons, of course. There are few of them, and I feel them with some kind of sixth sense. And then I myself deviate from the rules, console or provide other assistance.
From this follows the second plus of setting the format:
A few days after the poster was put up, at the moment when the youngest daughter once again explained our rules to everyone, my eldest son expressed his doubts: “It will not work without frustration at all! A person is so constituted that he is offended or cries, or something else like that. There are different situations! We have discussed this topic from different angles, but have not yet come to a consensus. We realized that fights and screams in some situations can be necessary and useful. For example, to warn of danger, you can scream. I tried not to give ready-made answers, but to encourage the thought process of children.
This topic is not closed and I think the discussion will continue. Already now, we can say that another plus of the poster is this:
Life continued to go on as usual, and I continued to follow the positive format of conversations. She noted when the children did something in a positive way, and sent them to the bathroom for the negative (time-out method). I can say that the average time spent in the bathroom was about 30 seconds. The maximum is 2 minutes. Thus, the peace in the apartment was almost not disturbed. That suited my dad, who is picky about silence, especially on weekends.
My 18-year-old stepson, who occasionally comes to visit us for the weekend, was at first categorical about such parenting methods. Having been brought up in a free manner himself, he considered that, due to the slightest whim, sending a child to the bathroom was unfair to say the least. Seeing the amazing results of this method — the children really quickly calm down — he said: “When I have children, I am ready to give them to you to raise!”
We have clearly seen that the temporary isolation of the child in the bathroom does not cause hysteria and protests. On the contrary, the child quickly and independently calms down. This can be highlighted as another confirmed positive result:
After a while, I began to notice that the initial number of whims was significantly reduced. It happened differently for every child.
With my youngest daughter, it was easy enough. Tears, whims mainly arose from the fact that she was not allowed to do something (candy before dinner, play instead of sleeping, take toys away from her brothers, etc.). In a week, she realized that her mother should be approached with a smile and without tears. It looked funny: he leaves the boys’ room with a roar, walks down the corridor and, exactly on the threshold of the kitchen, makes the last sob, and then says with a smile, “Mom, I wanted to take a toy from the boys, but they don’t give me.”
One of the most important outcomes of setting the format:
It took the middle son one single episode of isolation in the bathroom to realize he didn’t want to. Since then, he has calmed down in seconds, right in front of my eyes. At first, I pointed out to him his whims and offered to go to the bathroom, and he immediately (5-10 seconds) made a good face and changed his tone. Soon it was enough for me to just look him in the eyes, and he immediately corrected himself. Now, after a few weeks, I increasingly notice situations where he immediately, without my signal, transforms his negative emotions into constructive proposals.
The eldest son, due to his age, almost does not react to the small thorns of those around him, and does not get upset over trifles. At the same time, he has strong mood swings due to things that are important to him. Getting him out of such states is a thankless and long task, because. if he decides to be offended, he will do it no matter what. It was not easy to use a positive format of communication with him at such moments. An 8-year-old boy is already quite strong and wayward, sending him to the bathroom is not easy.
Thanks to my inner calmness and self-righteousness, I managed to add a little humor to this procedure.
Andrey, you cry and scream. It doesn’t fit. Please go to the bathroom.
— Not!
“I’ll try again to take you to the bathroom with words. And if it does not work out, then you have to lead by the ear. Andryusha, go to the bathroom, calm down, and then we will continue the conversation.
— Will not go!
— Hm. Words don’t work. Let’s try the ear.
(covers ears with hands)
— It doesn’t work for the ear, I’ll try for the nose.
— (laughs through tears, covers his nose with his hands)
— So. It doesn’t work with words, it doesn’t work by the ear, it doesn’t work by the nose. There is only one thing left — for the neck. (I grab by the neck and drag to the bathroom)
— (starts to walk on his own, because otherwise it hurts)
— Like this. (I close the bathroom door)
— (He also breaks out of the bathroom with screams and laughing eyes. I catch him and send him out the door again. He tries to get out a couple more times, but I’m on the alert. Tears are no longer audible. Soon Andrei appears from behind the door absolutely calm, comes hugs me and the conversation turns into a constructive and positive direction).
The described procedure happened only once. Subsequently, we only reached the ears, then we began to confine ourselves to words. Now I practically do not use sanctions against Andrei, he controls himself.
The important point here is to understand that regardless of the age and strength of the child, the parent is still the main one. The child is inventive, he tests the limits, but the parent can and should bring the matter to the end.
In my family, the use of a positive communication format turned out to be very successful and useful, the children calmly accepted the rules and follow them. Whether this will work in other families, I don’t know, because all children are different, and all parents are different. At the same time, I am sure that, if desired, a suitable key of education can be found for any child.
Continuation of the topic: Part 2. Seven keys to order in the house
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.